Hellcats: "The Match Game"

Sex, pie, and secrets. It's like a cross between sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll and sex, lies, and videotapes.

This episode is packed full of horny cheerleaders in desperate need of money willing to sell their bodies, their reputations, and their relationships for the sake of paying for a spot in the nationals. They do this by holding a date auction where each one of them is bid on to raise money, kind of like going to the Bunny Ranch in Vegas. I think.

Sluts.

I'm just kidding. Seriously though after watching this episode I can't decide if I am hungry, need a date, or maybe just to break down some emotional walls and be free, as free as the wind blows, as free as the grass grows. Well, you get the picture.

Marti reveals to the entire squad that she and Lewis "Does this look crooked?" Flynn are doing the horizontal mambo and the squad's reaction was something between total silence and crickets chirping.

Savannah confronts her Mother and they both agree that it's okay if she decides to throw caution and potentially her virginity to the wind and travel down a winding road with Dan.

I think Alice just straight up slept with her auction date who happened to be her boyfriend, because the next day she was still wearing her Hellcat uniform after the auction.

And Vanessa's hopes of having a steamy mcsteamy love affair was dashed when she realized her anonymous bidder was her boyfriend Derrick and not her ex, Red Raymond.

They completely gloss over Lewis "Does this look crooked?" Flynn's date. He garnered the most dirty money from a 65-year-old man with salt and pepper hair, not that there is anything wrong with that, at all.

My favorite quote from this episode is from Wanda, Marti's drunk mom who doesn't ever seem all that drunk to me. "Don't touch it. If you don't touch it, it doesn't count." Oh that Wanda, she just woos me with her delicate sensibilities.

If you are a fan of the '80s you do not want to miss next weeks episode when the Hellcats host an '80s party, complete with a Thriller sequence, I think. At least that is what the teaser implied.

Hellcats: "Ragged Old Flag"

I know each and everyone of you have been holding your breath for my weekly Hellcats recap that I never posted last week so I must apologize because you've probably passed out by now. That or you have gone elsewhere to get your weekly dose of sexy cheer time. Quite frankly, I don't blame you. I blame me. Last week, my DVR went on strike and never recorded it and this week I made sure to record it only to discover that the CW aired episode one. ONE! I am very angry right now. So this week you get last week's recap and next week you will get this week's. Right? If you think you're confused, you should be me trying to sort that out in my brain.

So last week was all about personal integrity on Hellcats: Ragged Old Flag.

Alice always seems to be the problem. The volleyball team tries to topple her from the top of a pyramid by chucking the ball at her head but because she's a roided-up athlete, she dodges that ball with superhero-like stealth. Which almost results in a hair-pulling catfight between the Volleyball Amazons and Hellcat Kitties with a flag football challenge to decide if the Hellcats are actually mice or men. Little do the Hellcats know that the VB Amazons are the champions of intramural flag football league. [Cue sad horn music]

So the episode goes on, Lewis "Does this look crooked?" Flynn realizes his dad is actually crooked and has been accepting hush money from the Lancer University athletic department. Vanessa does a little dance and by little I mean a really awkward dance that Red watches from a creepy distance and Marti bails on the Hellcats vs. Amazons because she has to go be a law student instead of the flag football star receiver. The nerve!

So back to the very important matter of the flag football challenge. Alice decides that the Hellcats need an angle to win the game since Marti is now *too sick* to be that star receiver so she pays a visit to her boyfriend who happens to be coaching the VB Amazons team in this flag football challenge. I am just not sure if Alice ends up being the QB, the wide end, or the star receiver. I am pretty sure she does all three to gain access to all of his plays. Which the Hellcats never use because Lewis "Does this look crooked?" Flynn is over the crooked life and refuses. He does his best to guide the girls through a rainy, awful massacre of a flag football game. But then out of the mist with bagpipes playing in the background, Savannah looks over and sees Marti, the saviour of mankind emerging with a determination that can only be rivaled by Mel Gibson in Braveheart.

And in just a few short moments Marti saves the day. Yet again. They score, and score and score once more. The rain stops. The clouds part. Rays of sunshine bathe the Hellcats in all their winning glory. The volleyball team cheers them on at the bar in their panties and then like all tragedies, the guillotine falls and Coach Vanessa informs them, mid-celebratory shot I must add, that their bid video did not make the cut by one spot. With the pathetic cheering in the background from the VB Amazons in panties the camera lingers on the sad faces of Marti, Lewis, Savannah, and Alice and we are left to wring our hands in complete worry until next week when we get to find out the fate of the Lancer Hellcats.

Hellcats: "The Prisoner's Song"

Is it me or does Savannah's boyfriend Dan sound like he has cotton balls stuffed in his cheeks? I couldn't actually put my finger on it until this episode because until now, he has mainly been a pretty face to look at without many lines. This episode, however, he tries to help the Hellcats with their bid video and it goes horribly wrong. Alice butts in again and tries to stage a coup to replace Savannah as team captain because now she suddenly cares about the future of the Hellcats. Give me a break. Seriously, I think Alice is bipolar. One minute she is trying to sabotage the squad and the next she is flitting around spewing on about how much she cares about the team. Maybe she's not bipolar. Maybe it's the steroids. Anyway, they end up voting and Savannah stays team captain because she's not Alice. Or something like that.

Then there was a bunch of other stuff going on in this episode. Like the love triangle that is starting to form between the Hellcats' coach Vanessa, her boyfriend Derrick and her ex boyfriend Red (yes, that is his name), who happens to be the head coach for the football team. There were some fights. Some fists flew at Red's face, well at least one fist. That Vanessa, she must be one little hot tamale to have all these men almost ruin their careers for her.

On to the other story line, like I said at the end of last weeks recap, "Stay tuned for next week's episode when Marti develops the cure for cancer and ends world hunger." I was wrong, or at least that's been put on the back burner right now, because she has to go and overturn a prisoner's sentencing because he is innocent and a musician who also plays the guitar and sings, just like Marti. In fact, Marti brings Julian a guitar and they sing together right there in the prison visitation room. When she busts him out of jail what should their acoustic bands name be? I was thinking something along the lines of The Carpenters, or Simon and Garfunkel, or maybe Bum Rap, you know since he was convicted of a crime he didn't commit.

Now for a most serious question.

Does this pom pom smell funny to you?

Hellcats: "Nobody Loves Me But My Mother"

We interrupt this program to bring you Hellcats: Sentimental Gobbledygook.

It all started out well, with the short skirts and gymnastics and spying then it all went down the drain quickly when the focus shifted to relationship melodrama. There isn't one functional relationship happening in this show.

Marti is basically taking care of her mother. Savannah's mother should be shot. Savannah and Dan are doomed the moment Savannah introduced him as her boyfriend. Marti ruined her chance at dating Lewis 'Does this look crooked' Flynn since she's still damaged goods because of an exboyfriend blah blah blah, leaving the door open for Alice who is just a mess, would do anything to win back Lewis 'Does this look crooked' Flynn. Including standing on his shoulders all sweaty in hot pants on the work out mat. That reminds me, that work out mat needs a good delousing or something before the next practice since apparently being all sweaty in hot pants worked on Lewis 'Does this look crooked' Flynn and they worked out hard on that mat.

Seriously though, this episode was really annoying because it was trying to be all emotional and deep and like can't we just get back to the business of wearing those short skirts and watching the boys with out their shirts on...please.

Although I must say when Alice goes all ROID RAGEY on Lewis 'Does this look crooked' Flynn and throws something at him and breaks a window, that was pretty hot.

And to round out this episode and tie up in a neat little package of happily ever after Marti gets up to perform at the bar her mom works at and sings It's A Brand New Day. Because as well as being smart and hot and a gymnast and an awesome dancer she can play guitar and sing.

Stay tuned for next week's episode when Marti develops the cure for cancer and ends world hunger.

Hellcats: "Beale St. After Dark"

In this epic installment we get drugs, street fights, steroid scandals, drunk puking girls, elicit affairs and some hot street dance moves.

I swear I wasn't watching Jersey Shore. I didn't see any Bumpits or hookers.

So what was interesting about his episode? Not much, actually. Quickly, the university is pulling the squad's funding so instead of going the traditional route of competing for their spot which is very very expensive, they decide to put together a video audition. Alice, being the narcissist she is, decides that there is no way in hell they will succeed unless she is "on the mat" right where she belongs. Which is strange since from the very beginning all she is trying to do is sabotage everything. But her wrist is still all wonky, so she really can't do anything and this is when we realize (again) that Alice is one whacked out chick (with really amazing hair). She seeks the help from Jake, a football player who apparently knows where to score all the drugs a little broken cheerleader could ever want, and he lovingly tells her everything he is going to get for her. Just the usual cocktail of HGH, percs and vics, and by lovingly I mean he is probably going to want to get her drunk and shtoop her later. But instead, he just gets his ass kicked by a cheerleader and by cheerleader I mean Lewis "Does this look crooked?" Flynn kicks his ass and ends up spending the night in jail.

Through out all of this, I can't help but wonder how does Alice make her hair so perfect when she only has use of one arm? I can barely get mine to look smoother than the Scarecrow's hair and I have both hands and two feet if need be.

All in all this episode was a little boring to me. I think I want to see more tumbling, less clothes, and a whole lot less of law school classes.

However I do want to see more drunk Savannah! Because obviously I don't think there is anything more riveting then watching a wayward Christian cheerleader getting all sloppy on her first real date.

In case you missed it, there is a Hellcats app for your iPhone. Ahem.







Oh look it's me as an angry cloven hooved Hellcat!

Hellcats: "I Say a Little Prayer"

Part of me is waiting for Savannah's head to explode or at least pop off. I keep getting glimpses of the evil brewing inside of her that she is fervently trying to squash down. Wouldn't it be awesome if in one episode, Ashley Tisdale took that Sharpie of Enlightenment she runs around with and started telling it like it is? Alice would have the word "Skank" scrawled across her forehead.

In this episode, we realize that Savannah is not as happy-go-lucky as we would have thought. That she is also a rebel, much like Marti, and that she too has a difficult home life since being banished by her parents for the horrifying act of changing colleges! Oh, the nerve of our little innocent God-fearing cheerleader, the nerve! Her family seems like a bunch of selfish, self-righteous, close minded-asses, leaving little doubt about Savannah's decision to basically run away from them. Savannah's sister is the captain of the rival cheer squad from Memphis Christian College and in a divine act of God, she falls off the top of a people pyramid and suffers some kind of injury that results in a hospital stay and a prayer circle that just so happens to be during the Hellcats' rescheduled competition time. So Savannah does what any good squad captain would do: she skips the prayer circle and leads the Hellcats to victory! What? Of course they win because if they didn't the season would be over, right?

Moving on to plot hole number two that I mentioned in the first episode, that hole has been corked up and sealed shut. Alice doesn't have a scholarship to Lancer, she has The BOD (Bank Of Daddy) so she can be as manipulative and conniving as she wants to be to get back at Marti. Tsk tsk, Alice! Don't you realize this kind of behavior never works? Marti's mom, Wanda, shows up sober and tells Marti she looks like a tranny with all that make up on and tries to lick it off or something like that but in the end this just brings them closer to reconciling so in reality Alice is like a family therapist. Oh and Lewis "Does this look crooked?" Flynn is more then just a pretty boy, he's on to you Alice. He realizes what you tried to do by unnerving Marti and he doesn't like it. So while he and Marti do the bump and grind at the celebratory after party, you can sit there in the corner with your broken wrist and scheme all by yourself.

I would say the only thing that could have been better about this episode is that the Memphis Christian College cheer squad needed shorter skirts. Having them actually cover their butt cheeks was highly inappropriate.

Hellcats: "A World Full Of Strangers"

You know how to make yourself feel real good? Watch Hellcats after you ate an entire vat of mashed potatoes and chicken stew so that your belly looks a little, shall we say, pregnant.

Because these girls are athletes damn it, who happen to be able to wear a skirt that looks a little bit more like a belt than a skirt. They don't even have to lie on their backs to make their bellies look flat.

Bitches.

Ha, I'm just kidding. They are all very, very cute and while I am sure the lead character Marti would probably smack me silly for calling her cute, it can't be denied. She is way cute and totally smart. And I kind of wouldn't mind it if she smacked me, or my ass or something.

Cheerleaders are ATHLETES and don't you ever forget it!

E. V. E. R.

So here is the One Night Stand Synopsis:

1. Marti has to get a scholarship because her WTEDM (White Trash Emotional Drunk Mother) can't pay the bills even though she's a university employee. (Plot Hole Number One. If we get to the third hole, it's going to be messy and I may have to back out of this.)

2. If your cheer squad is in danger of a major budget cut, your LEAD FLYER should not mess it up by trying to sabotage her replacement (Plot Hole Number Two) because obviously the coveted spot you so want would be cut from the budget, unless all you want is to be shtooped by Lewis?

And therein lies the rub. His name is Lewis "Does this look crooked?" Flynn.

Karma is a total bitch, Alice!

If Alice hadn't taken Marti's towel and robe, Lewis "Does this look crooked?" Flynn would never have seen her naked and she would never have seen Lewis "Does this look crooked?" Flynn naked and... She. Is. Dumb!

Alice is a moron. A totally hot cute moron, but a moron nonetheless.

The real problem here is that Lewis "Does this look crooked?" Flynn has requested that Marti be his permanent flyer, which I am sure is like becoming a servant of some kind of a god, and Alice in Moron Land was eavesdropping on that conversation, so now she is totally pissed off.

From what I gather even though Alice doesn't need to lie on her back to make her belly flat, I am pretty sure her she was doing "just that" for Lewis "Does this look crooked?" Flynn but now that Lewis has seen Marti naked (because Alice is indeed a moron), he wants her to FLY all around his face.

For crying out loud you would think I was watching Debbie Does Memphis and not Hellcats. Or Bring it On. Or some other porn movie yet to be made. Hellcats? Hmmm what could replace that? Hell what?

So, do we want to see more? OF COURSE WE DO! Because it ended with a stadium full of people and one of those people is Marti's White Trash Emotional Drunk Mother that we all scanned the crowd to try and find and failed because if we found her the season would be over.

Right?

[photo]

Give Me An H!

Is it completely creepy that when I watched the extended preview of Hellcats, I found myself getting goosebumps and excited and OH MY GOD, I can't wait to torture my husband by making him watch it every Wednesday night?

Ya, well who cares? Not me. Come this Wednesday, Hellcats premieres and I will be sitting here in my high school cheering uniform, drinking a glass of wine, and reliving my glory days while my husband stares in disbelief at the woman he married, whom he thought was a mature adult, as she tries to do splits in the living room while waving around two mops like they are pom poms!

Are you ready?

I SAID!

ARE!

YOU!

READY!

GOOOOO HELLCATS!