Victim: Nicolas Cage's Drive Angry

Hello and welcome to Smacktalk, where each week we attack mock critique a music video or movie trailer. This week, we're taking a look at the trailer for the upcoming Nicolas Cage feature Drive Angry. Hope ya love it!



Archphoenix: Isn't that Nic's car from Gone In Sixty Seconds? I wonder how many classic Nic Cage movies this will reference?

Dufmanno: I am already about to give this movie legendary status right behind Vanishing Point with this opener.

Daddy Geek Boy: Another crappy haircut. Another crappy accent. Another crappy Nic Cage movie.



Daddy Geek Boy: Movie cliche #1: Good guy walking away in slow motion from an explosion.

Dufmanno: How do you break out of hell? This movie might prove very useful for those of us who already have reservations on the bullet train.

Archphoenix: He broke out of hell? Is this Ghost Rider 2: We Couldn't Get the Rights? Wait... Did he just drive that muscle car through a burning pentagram?! AWESOME.



A Vapid Blonde: Is that a merkin on his head?

Archphoenix: Oh Nic, what's with the hair? Let it go, hon.

Daddy Geek Boy: Movie cliche #2: "You got mixed up with the wrong crowd."

Dufmanno: More cars. Big cars.

Daddy Geek Boy: Movie cliche #3: "He's got one last shot at redemption."



Chag: Why do cults always steal babies? Can't they just shoplift or something?

Dufmanno: Cults steal babies because babies don't require as much work. Duh.

Archphoenix: Kidnapping babies - Raising Arizona.



Dufmanno: The Devil's right hand man? I should know this stuff. I went to Catholic school.

A Vapid Blonde: I like how well dressed the Devil's right hand man is... shouldn't it be his left hand man though?

Archphoenix: The Devil has a bounty hunter now? Sweet!



A Vapid Blonde: Oh hey! It's me as an ass double.

Daddy Geek Boy: Megan Fox was seemingly unavailable to drape herself over the cars in this movie.

Archphoenix: Nic always gets the HOTTEST women in films - Angelina Jolie, Jessica Biel, Eva Mendes. I wonder if that's a rider in his contract?



Chag: Is that supposed to be a selling point?

Daddy Geek Boy: Chag, oddly for this movie it seems it's a bigger selling point than Nic Cage being in it.



Dufmanno: I hope someday I get to blow things up, punch Chief Swann and then get thrown out of the back of a motor home onto the hood of someone's muscle car. Do you think it will ever happen for me?



Archphoenix: Shot in 3D?! FINALLY. Nic Cage's hair coming at you in 3D! I'm in.

Daddy Geek Boy: A crappy movie shot in 3D is still a crappy movie. It just has an extra dimension of crappiness.

Dufmanno: Call me crazy, but I'm a sucker for this kind of camp. I'm in the theater on opening day!

A Vapid Blonde: I should totally be in this movie. I have a muscle car. I have guns. I am even wearing Daisy Dukes right now. And I am with Dufmanno on this one. The trailer is making me all amped up. Definitely a must see!

Victim: Gnomeo & Juliet

Hello and welcome to Smacktalk, where each week we attack mock critique a music video or movie trailer. This week, we're taking a look at the trailer for the upcoming animated feature Gnomeo & Juliet. Hope ya love it!



Dufmanno: Right out of the gate, my five-year old who is standing behind me and commented, "That's creepy." Gnomes are like a combo of Lilliputian clowns and puppets that talk.

Didactic Pirate: Ok. First of all, I've always found garden gnomes creepy. Second, Why is that blue gnome looking RIGHT AT ME?

Dufmanno: Okay, so like Toy Story?



Chag: Borat Gnome?

Daddy Geek Boy: Looks like they're really scraping the bottom of the anthropomorphic barrel here.



The Weirdgirl: I always knew gnomes were bloodthirsty bastards.

Archphoenix: Red vs. blue. Crips vs. Bloods. Capulet vs. Montague. You know, for kids! Also, Michael Caine, really? Can't you just ride those sweet sweet Batman paychecks and not do things like this?

The Weirdgirl: Drag racing? I thought this was a war movie, damn it. I want to see some gnome blood spilled.

Dufmanno: I take back those mean things I said about you McAvoy. Your voice is like butter even when it's coming out of a creature like that.



Archphoenix: Ok, I've actually done stage productions of Romeo And Juliet. Twice. I don't remember the part where Juliet is a friggin' ninja. And I'm pretty sure I would remember that.

Dufmanno: The frog is officially the most annoying character in this movie preview. That's saying a LOT.



Chag: It's been over ten years now. Can we please stop spoofing The Matrix?



The Weirdgirl: Uh... what pose did they just land in?

Chag: The Wheelbarrow. Kama Sutra, page 38.

Daddy Geek Boy: Wait! This is from the director of Shrek 2? That changes everything!



Daddy Geek Boy: Wait! This features music from Elton John? That changes everything back.

Archphoenix: You know what Shakespeare totally needs? Elton John tunes! Thank God that's finally been corrected after all these years.



The Weirdgirl: Hell bunnies!

Dufmanno: Braveheart-inspired Rayman Raving Rabbids?

Dufmanno: I'll have you know I find the Tiki Room at Disney mildly soothing so I approve of this part.

Didactic Pirate: Nice try, gnome. But that ceramic chick is just biding her time until Buzz Lightyear shows up.



Archphoenix: Throwing in "parting is such sweet sorrow" in some kind of faux-Shakespearean accent while ninja Juliet is flying away on a lawnmower doesn't make this thing an authentic classic. Nice try, though.

Didactic Pirate: Dear Shakespeare, I am so, so, SO sorry about this.

The Weirdgirl: Kelly Asbury, you're dead to me.

Didactic Pirate: Wonder how kids will handle the ending, when one gnome drinks poison, and the other one stabs herself. Spoiler Alert?

Archphoenix: Look this thing up on IMDb. The cast is insane: James McAvoy, Patrick Stewart, Emily Blunt, Maggie Smith, Seth Green, Seth Mcfarlane, HULK HOGAN, Jason Statham, Michael Caine, Dolly Parton, and OZZY OSBOURNE.

Daddy Geek Boy: If Ozzy is playing Elton John, they've got my $12.

Didactic Pirate: I hear they've already greenlit the sequel: Love's Lawn Ornaments Lost.

Victim: Katy Perry And Elmo, "Hot And Cold"

Hello and welcome to Smacktalk, where each week we attack mock critique a music video or movie trailer. This week, we're taking a look at the video for Katy Perry and Elmo's smokin' new duet, "Hot And Cold." Hope ya love it!

Dufmanno: HELLO! Any viewers still breastfeeding are going to have a Pavlovian response right here.

Daddy Geek Boy: Actually Dufmanno, Katy seems a little more um… bound than she normally does.

Daddy Geek Boy: You know, Katy actually looks kind of like a Muppet.

Archphoenix: She does look like a Muppet. An empty-brained Muppet with really big expressive eyes. And big... uh, yeah.

Didactic Pirate: I already feel dirty watching this.

Daddy Geek Boy: I'm not questioning Elmo's sexuality, but if Katy Perry asks you to play, you say, "Yes!"

Dufmanno: No Katie, Elmo doesn't want to play. You are making him uncomfortable and he keeps having to avert his eyes from your magnificent breasts.

Didactic Pirate: If she breaks out the whipped cream spewing bra, I'm calling Child Protective Services. Or Childlike Monster Protective Services.

Archphoenix: I like that the VEIL is the only part of her outfit that's for dress up.

Chag: An Oscar-caliber performance: Angry Katy Perry!

Didactic Pirate: Oh. Oh. Oh. This is not ok.

Chag: Electric Company flashbacks! Make them stop! St! Op! Stop!

The Weirdgirl: Dressing up like a baby doesn't make you innocent, Katy. That ship has sailed.

Didactic Pirate: Elmo's up and Elmo's down! Or maybe Elmo just has a funny new feeling in his furry pants.

Dufmanno: Okay, is this a joke? A vigorous jogging scene in glorified lingerie? The high school soccer team used to sit on the hill while we ran laps DREAMING of this kind of bounce.

Daddy Geek Boy: It's this kind of scene that makes me really happy that my kids love watching Sesame Street.

Chag: You know, if they showed more pretty women running in low-cut dresses, I might still be watching Sesame Street.

Chag: Oscar with a cameo!

Chag: Or maybe he's checking out her ass?

Daddy Geek Boy: He's definitely checking out her ass. Oscar's a perv!

Dufmanno: The confused Dalmatian makes another appearance. I suspect he might be trying to put a stop to this.

The Weirdgirl: Should they be hanging out in alleyways like this? Oh wait, they just passed a recycling bin. That makes it OK. Not at all like those other women who hang out in alleys.

Didactic Pirate: "Elmo! Don't you want to play?" Geez, she's needy. Take the hint, Katy. Go back to Candyland.

Daddy Geek Boy: I've been playing a lot of Candyland lately and trust me, Princess Frostine has nothing on Katy.

Didactic Pirate: Actually, I think I like this version better than the original. Maybe she should put Elmo in her "Teenage Dream" video.

Daddy Geek Boy: Excuse me while I send my kids out of the room and watch this video again.



If you have any suggestions for upcoming SmackTalk victims, send them our way!

Victim: Travie McCoy, "We'll Be Alright"

Hello and welcome to Smacktalk, where each week we attack mock critique a music video or movie trailer. This week, we're taking a look at the video for Travie McCoy's "We'll Be Alright." Hope ya love it!



Chag: Less obvious product placement, please. Maybe next time he could just sing, "Buy a Mini Cooper!" (0:08)

Dufmanno: This is the third best car commercial I've ever seen. (0:09)

The Weirdgirl: There isn't anything more wholesome or cheerful than a Mini Cooper! (0:09)

Chag: Ain't no party like a mattress party! (0:15)

Dufmanno: Chag, call me silly but wouldn't the home they are visiting come with a mattress or two? Why lug your own when there are plenty available? Also, did they just drag it out of the back of the Mini Cooper because, you know, REALISM! (0:15)

Dufmanno: Is it a bad thing that I feel seething resentment bubbling up this early in the video? He's too smug for my tastes, especially since I can hear Supergrass right behind me breathing heavily. (0:18)

The Weirdgirl: My goodness he has a hairy neck! Oh wait, those are tattoos. Hairy-looking tattoos. (0:25)

Dufmanno: Most parties I've been to that start like this result in broken bones, hurt feelings, and unplanned pregnancies. You all need to wipe those smiles off your faces and get grim. (0:34)

Chag: Was that Andrew W.K.? (0:36)

The Weirdgirl: Skate ramp and sliding glass doors. This will end well. (0:47)

Dufmanno: Silly sting adds fun to any evening. (0:57)

The Weirdgirl: Pervert eyes. Lovely. (0:59)

Dufmanno: Travie's pinky finger looks wonky. And by wonky, I mean crooked. (1:06)

Dufmanno: Silly string ruins evening by dissolving in Solo cup of beer, resulting in toxic mixture of unknown chemicals that escape, form hazy cloud, and turn everyone into undead. No, never mind, it only spoiled his drink. (1:09)

Chag: Dufmanno, I like your vision for the video much better. (1:09)

Dufmanno: I like the skate ramp? I'm trying to stay positive. (1:15)

Dufmanno: So many ways to go here. First off: the ta-ta flash, while no longer obligatory in the music video, does still have some redeeming qualities. Second, the young lady on the left with the Cruella de Vil inspired black and white hair looks like a Barbie I had in second grade who had the upper portion of her skull on a pivot so you could rotate between brunette and blond. (1:17)

The Weirdgirl: Pervert eyes #2. I officially hate this guy. I am feeling a lot of anger... maybe it's something subliminal? (1:20)

Chag: Right back atcha, dude. (1:27)

Dufmanno: The guy in the shower with his girlfriend is patriotic. I love a good show of American pride. (1:38)

The Weirdgirl: Pervert eyes #3. Oh my god, dude, you need to get arrested in a public bathroom somewhere. (1:38)

Dufmanno: Wild Stallions on the shower curtain. (1:43)

Dufmanno: Let's move it outside to the pool where wet clothing and drunk people eventually result in nudity and group sex. And NO, I don't know this from experience. ( 1:54)

The Weirdgirl: Now that's a good way to ruin a bike. Did your parents buy that for you? GET A JOB! (2:00)

Chag: Sparklers? Really? (2:10)

Dufmanno: Look at my HAIR!(2:16)

The Weirdgirl: Well, NOW it's a party, because that guy did a backward flip! (2:28)

Dufmanno: That guy is attempting a gratuitous crotch grab in SLOW MO. (2:35)

Chag: A mattress to jump on, silly string, sparklers, and a pinata? Is this a douchebag hipster shindig or a birthday party for my kid? (2:40)

The Weirdgirl: Both. At least half those girls are underage. (2:40)

Dufmanno: Don't be hatin', Chag. You never outgrow the wonder of sparkly things, jumping high in the air, and recklessly smashing the hell out of objects hanging in front of your face while blindfolded. That sounds like a bad S&M session. (2:40)

Dufmanno: EVERYBODY INTO THE POOL! I told you no good comes of water and intoxication. (2:45)

Chag: Underwater lesbian makeout sessions! Just like every party I attended in high school! (2:57)

Dufmanno: I knew the girl on girl action was coming. (2:58)

Chag: Knew it was coming? Or HOPING it was coming? (2:58)

Chag: You know, if these are the kinds of parties he throws, I hope he never becomes a billionaire. So freakin' bad. (3:03)

Dufmanno: Wow, that ended abruptly. Almost like we were made to sit through that crapfest with no payoff. (3:10)

The Weirdgirl: Maybe he drowned? (3:10)

SmackTalk Victim: Insane Clown Posse, "Juggalo Island"

Hello and welcome to Smacktalk, where each week we attack mock critique a music video or movie trailer. This week, we're taking a look at the video for Insane Clown Posse's "Juggalo Island." Hope ya love it!



Archphoenix: I like that it starts off with a nice, peaceful, glowy cabin in the wilderness. This is going to be a nice video, right? (0:05)

Dufmanno: Is it me, or do these people seem to only be giving a half-hearted attempt at looking like they are enjoying their time on Juggalo Island? (0:13)

The Weirdgirl: Wait till the booze kicks in. (0:14)

Chag: Wow. KISS sounds weird. (0:15)

Daddy Geek Boy: Wow. KISS got fat. (0:16)

Dufmanno: Food on the fire, boats on the water, hundreds of ample bosomed women drinking large quantities of beer: this could be the opening sequence for Piranha 2. (0:18)

Dufmanno: No poor quality video is complete without the "ruler spank." (0:25)

Archphoenix: That dirty clown man just totally ruined The Little Mermaid for me. That is NOT what Ariel and Prince Erik did in the water. (0:28)

Chag: "I got my dick in your hot dog bun?" Please tell me that's a euphemism and not lunch. (0:34)

Archphoenix: Oh dear God. I'm so glad I never eat hot dogs. I'd have to give them up after that lyric. (0:34)

Archphoenix: Wait, did that clown man say something about him wearing a Speedo? There goes breakfast. Seriously, why did I think I could eat and watch this? (0:43)

Chag: Is this Sugar Ray? (0:58)

Daddy Geek Boy: Sugar Ray got fat. (0:59)

Daddy Geek Boy: We've got sun, women, food, music. If only Ron Jeremy were here. (1:00)

Dufmanno: Stop jumping with that puppy! (1:02)

A Vapid Blonde: OH! I get why Ron Jeremy is here. It's that whole dick in a bun thing from earlier. (1:05)

A Vapid Blonde: Welcome to Juggalo Island, where all of your zombie needs are met. Even corpse on the grill. (1:23)

The Weirdgirl: I think I need some of what that guy's smoking to get through the rest of this. (1:36)

A Vapid Blonde: Wow, that guy's boobs are WAY bigger then mine! Time to do the motorboat on Juggalo Island. (1:39)

Dufmanno: We seem to have questionable water quality on Juggalo Island. I'm starting to believe it may in fact be a Superfund site. (1:54)

Daddy Geek Boy: Burning Man ain't what it used to be. (2:08)

A Vapid Blonde: This is like some horrible mash up of Killer Clowns From Outer Space and Wicker Man. (2:16)

Chag: It's been nearly two minutes. Are we just pretending like we didn't see the girls in the thongs? (2:20)

The Weirdgirl: Are you kidding? Those thongs were the least nightmare-inducing image here. Bring 'em back! (2:22)

Chag: That's not a hatchet. Or a dead hula girl, for that matter. (2:37)

Dufmanno: It's already running about one minute over what the normal human can tolerate. Edit, people! (3:09)

Dufmanno: Vin Diesel? (3:22)

The Weirdgirl: I used to be a little "clown-curious" but now I'm not. Not. At. All! (3:25)

A Vapid Blonde: I think that dog was just signing the words, "HELP ME." (3:33)

Chag: No wonder! Did you see that freaky Day-Glo clown next to it? (3:33)

Dufmanno: I feel like I just kicked a puppy and I'm not sure why. (3:45)

Chag: Juggalo Island: Worst Spring Break Ever. (3:45)

Daddy Geek Boy: It's comforting to know that middle age will even mellow out the ICP. (3:46)

A Vapid Blonde: Now I can't stop singing, "Ha ha ha ha ha!" And I feel high. (3:46)

Victim: Burlesque Trailer

For this week's Smacktalk, we decided to take a look at the trailer for Burlesque, the upcoming movie starring Cher, Stanley Tucci, and Christina Aguilera. Enjoy!



Didactic Pirate: Huh. Young hoofer tries to make it in the big city. I wonder what in the world will happen to her. I cannot imagine, for I have certainly never seen such a premise before. (0:09)

The Weirdgirl: Is this Chicago 2? Oh... no. Damn it! (0:09)

Dufmanno: This appears to be derailing already. (0:11)

The Weirdgirl: Eleven seconds in and Christina's already snotty. (0:11)

Daddy Geek Boy: You know you're in trouble when your movie is using the same font as Glitter. (0:15)

Archphoenix: All these jump cuts. I think I'm going to have a seizure. (0:24)

Didactic Pirate: Cher just explained that when a woman puts on makeup, "she's painting her face." Insightful. (0:33)

A Vapid Blonde: Cher sounds like a chipmunk hoarding nuts in her cheeks. (0:33)

Dufmanno: Oh Cher. That's how I sound when the dentist has given me extra Novocaine for a root canal. I'll try to remember Silkwood. (0:33)

The Weirdgirl: More snottiness? Oh wait, I get it, there's a "mirror" metaphor in this movie, isn't there? Yeah, that's deep. (0:37)

Daddy Geek Boy: So let me get this straight... they've remade Showgirls as a PG-13 movie? Brilliant (0:40)

The Weirdgirl: You gotta give me a chance, I'm perky and have over-processed hair! (0:43)

Dufmanno: Is that Stanley Tucci?! Et tu, Brute? (0:47)

Didactic Pirate: Yeah, that's him. Apparently, The Tootch owed someone a major favor. (0:47)

Daddy Geek Boy: Come on, Dufmanno. He's got a mortgage, too. (0:48)

Mamatulip: If Xtina whips her head around any more, she's gonna get whiplash. (0:59)

Archphoenix: No Stanley Tucci, I think she's having some kind of seizure. What kind of "dance moves" are those? (1:18)

Dufmanno: No, Christina. You CANNOT do this. (1:22)

The Weirdgirl: You've got to make me believe this isn't really just an extended ego video! (1:5)

Dufmanno: Hey, they just let Cher give the pivotal plot-turning speech in the trailer. (1:30)

Didactic Pirate: "You want fame? Well fame costs! And right here is where you start paying." Sorry, just had a Fame flashback. (1:35)

The Weirdgirl: And that completes the singing portion of this exam. On to the grinding! (1:46)

Archphoenix: Woah, is that Alan Cumming? (1:48)

Daddy Geek Boy: Up until now, wasn't this a movie about dancing? Now she's a singer? (1:48)

Mamatulip: So this is like a Showgirls/Chicago/Moulin Rouge ripoff? How original. (1:56)

The Weirdgirl: Oh Stanley, you can do better! (2:06)

Archphoenix: Is that the voice of my adorable pocket sized TV girlfriend KRISTEN BELL?!? Eee! (2:06)

Didactic Pirate: Watching my sweet Veronica Mars as a Pussycat Doll makes me feel dirty. (2:08)

Daddy Geek Boy: And it makes me sad to see that she does not look good as a brunette (2:09)

Mamatulip: Aw, look. Now Cher and Xtina are BFFs! How heartwarming! (2:10)

The Weirdgirl: Will you be my new daddy? (2:16)

Dufmanno: I'm just sad about this. Not sad in a crying tears way. Sad in a Showgirls type way. (2:29)

Daddy Geek Boy: At least Showgirls was unintentionally hilarious and had copious amounts of nudity. (2:31)

Archphoenix: Who am I kidding. I'm totally going to watch this. I might be drunk but I'll get my showgirl on. (2:31)

Victim: Black Swan Trailer

Hello and welcome to Smacktalk, where each week we attack mock critique a music video or movie trailer. This week, we're taking a look at the trailer for Black Swan. Hope ya love it!



Didactic Pirate: Hmm. Ballet movie. Does that mean there are no car chases? Or robots? Pass. (0:14)

A Vapid Blonde: You say dream, I say nightmare (0:14)

Chag: Nice support, Mom! (0:27)

A Vapid Blonde: I do that move ALL the time, in fact I am doing it right now. (0:28)

Mamatulip: Barbara Hershey! I haven't seen her in a movie since I sobbed my way through Beaches! Wait, did I say that out loud? (0:29)

Mamatulip: She said Lily, right? Not Meg Griffin? (:39)

Didactic Pirate: Hi, That '70s Show girl! I like you. You should get more work. (0:40)

Chag: "Seduce us. Attack it! Attack it!" That's what she said. (0:50)

A Vapid Blonde: Apparently Mom thinks that being slutty is really, really sweet. Where did my parents go wrong? (0:57)

Didactic Pirate: Ok, we've got a horrible stage mom, a potential ballerina cat fight, and a lurky director groping Natalie Portman's leg. I'm feeling a little more on board. (0:58)

Chag: Me, too. The Van Halen reference helped. (0:59)

Chag: So will critics be comparing this to Single White Female or Mommie Dearest? (1:07)

Didactic Pirate: Wait. Go back. What just happened in the mirror? This just got interesting. (1:15)

A Vapid Blonde: What the hell is that? Oh, a ballerina leg bone. How cute. (1:16)

Chag: Ladies and gentleman, your highest grossing movie of 2010! (1:27)

Didactic Pirate: Girl on girl! Girl on girl! (Sorry.) (1:28)

A Vapid Blonde: You call that art? It hurts my ears AND my eyes, get rid of it! (1:35)

Didactic Pirate: Whoa -- there's suddenly A LOT happening. I'm getting a scary dude in a mask, pictures on the wall that move, and a lot of very dramatic violins in the background. It's like Aronofsky just woke up from his nap. (1:36)

Chag: FREEZE IT! I know there's a female writhing on the bed in the foreground, but I'm more concerned with that bunny in the tutu in the background. I think it's behind all of this. (1:37)

A Vapid Blonde: Hey, it's Adam Ant! I didn't know he was in this. (1:38)

Chag: Ok. What the hell was that she just pulled out of her skin?

A Vapid Blonde: Wow, that must have been some party. Also? It's called Visine. (1:55)

Didactic Pirate: Visine can't help with Evil Zombie Eyes. (1:56)

Didactic Pirate: Looks spooky. Hooked me in without giving much away. You know what? I'm in. (2:00)

A Vapid Blonde: All anxiety aside, after watching this I will definitely see this one. (2:00)

Chag: Meh. You two have fun. (2:01)

Mamatulip: I'll see it, too. I love ballet, evil ballet, evil swans, Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis. And Van Halen. (2:01)

Victim: M. Night Shyamalan's Devil Trailer

Hello and welcome to Smacktalk, our newest feature at Culture Brats! Each week, we attack mock critique a music video or movie trailer. This week, we're taking a look at the trailer for Devil. Hope ya love it!



Chag: Don't go into the light, Carol Anne! (0:10)

Archphoenix: Because upside down is heavy-handed symbolism for "this is going to turn your life upside down." Thanks, film people! (0:13)

Daddy Geek Boy: Is everything upside down or did I drink too much cough syrup again? (0:17)

Mamatulip: Token hot chick? Check. (0:19)

Archphoenix: I've seen horror movies. When you proclaim your innocence in a breezy "Who me?" way, you're usually the killer. Mystery solved, 19 seconds into the trailer! (0:19)

Mamatulip: Token security guard? Check. (0:21)

Daddy Geek Boy: And that right there is a security guard who cares. (0:25)

Tania: This is not helping my vertigo. (0:30)

Mamatulip: Those upside-down metropolis shots are getting kind of annoy-- Whoa, is that Shirley MacLaine? (0:35)

Dufmanno: That would be substitute Shirley MacLaine: half the sugar, none of the multiple lifetimes. (:35)

Dufmanno: Hey the elevator is opening! Why don't you guys get in and spend a few hours of mental and physical torture trying to weed out the evil passenger? That would be a GREAT plot for a movie! Wait, no. (0:36)

Mamatulip: Token businessman? Check. (0:43)

Mamatulip: Token creepy guy in bulky jacket? Check. (0:50)

Tania: Is this a horror flick or a Six Flags ride? (0:55)

The Weirdgirl: You know when words fly at me? It makes me REALLY think about them! (0:57)

Dufmanno: Goin' down. Having taken two film history classes, I'm calling that foreshadowing. (0:58)

Daddy Geek Boy: It's right about now that I desperately mourn the death of the trailer announcer guy. (1:00)

Tania: "This is not good"? You know your movie is going down the crapper when even your fictional characters are giving bad reviews. (1:05)

Dufmanno: No, it's NOT good. But if you were a Star Wars fan you would have quipped "I've got a bad feeling about this." (1:06)

A Vapid Blonde: "WHATS HAPPENING?" "Nothing, just relax." Actually, no that is not a roll of quarters in my pocket and why yes I AM happy to see you. (1:14)

Mamatulip: I was wondering when the lights would go out. (1:15)

Mamatulip: The token hot chick isn't wearing a bra. (1:24)

Dufmanno: Already I don't like the "something bit me" girl. She has my vote for suspect #1. (1:28)

Tania: I think it's the old lady. With the knife. In the elevator. (1:29)

The Weirdgirl: You're right, it is the old lady. When I'm a cranky old lady, I'm totally going to bite annoying hot chicks. (Olay's Age Defying cream my ass!) (1:29)

A Vapid Blonde: "Does anyone have anything sharp on them?" Like razor sharp intellect perhaps? (1:30)

A Vapid Blonde: Uh, if they search my pockets they might find my sock monster. (1:34)

Dufmanno: Yeah, she's annoying. (1:46)

Dufmanno: Remind me the next time I'm riding in an elevator that I should bring my very long, very dangerous knife just in case a West Side Story standoff breaks out. (1:48)

Archphoenix: Seriously, where did the giant knives come from? Oh, New York. (1:48)

A Vapid Blonde: So who is going to turn out to be a drag queen or a clown? Now that would be scary. (1:50)

Dufmanno: You know one of these guys is going to turn out to be a closet mime. It makes total sense: trapped in a box, can't get out. (1:50)

A Vapid Blonde: You are so right, so this whole movie is actually a sad story about the tortured soul of a mime waiting to cross over to hell because all mimes go to hell. (1:50)

Chag: THE ELEVATOR SEES DEAD PEOPLE! (1:51)

A Vapid Blonde: Aw, how cute. They all decided to take a bloody nap together. (1:51)

Mamatulip: Token panty, panicky breathing? Check. (1:59)

A Vapid Blonde: Okay, okay we get it. You're scared. But could you save the heavy breathing for another kind of movie? (1:59)

Archphoenix: Mmm... gratuitous cleavage shot. So far we're hitting all of the horror movie cliches! (2:01)

Chag: Given his recent record, referring to it as "A new nightmare from the mind of M. Night Shyamalan" probably isn't the best idea. (2:08)

Dufmanno: Using his soiled reputation is probably better than saying "from the minds of two virtually unknown directors and a scriptwriter who have been existing only on Cheetos and soda for ten years." On IMDb it says only the "story idea" was his. (2:08)

Archphoenix: Based on the reaction from the Scott Pilgrim crowd I saw this trailer with, people were into the trailer UNTIL M. Night's name popped up. Then, I kid you not, most of the audience either groaned or outright booed. On the heels of Last Airbender, M. Night should go into hiding for a while. Or work on Unbreakable 2. HINT HINT. (2:08)

Dufmanno: After repeated viewings, I think I have actually figured out the plot twist since I'm now convinced that the movie characters are whispering information in my ear. Either that or the subliminal messages are seeping in like Fight Club. (2:14)

Dufmanno: I was RIGHT. Express elevator to hell. Next stop, third circle. (2:16)

A Vapid Blonde: The token hot chick needs to shut up. I blame her, it's all her fault. (2:20)

A Vapid Blonde: Uh dude? You can blow out that match now. I did not need to see that! (2:21)

Dufmanno: Elevator mummy. Well, partial elevator mummy at least. Either that or it's a very poor field dressing for the head of one of the passengers who got stuck in the wall. That makes no sense. (2:21)

The Weirdgirl: Green elevators: now made from recycled Egyptian tombs! Curses sold separately. (2:21)

Chag: No! It's not an elevator mummy, it's one of those aliens from Signs. Just douse him with water and fade to black. (2:22)

Daddy Geek Boy: Haven't I seen this shot in just about every single other horror movie for the past 15 years? (2:23)

Mamatulip: Yeah, I'll definitely see this. (2:26)

Chag: You know, I think what we're all missing here is why would the devil ride an elevator? You know he's got a sweet jet pack or something. (2:27)

Daddy Geek Boy: And this concludes the trailer for another movie I don't want to see. (2:30)

A Vapid Blonde: I think I may vomit from all the upside down, falling, flashing lights crap. (2:30)

The Weirdgirl: For the $20 bucks it would cost for a ticket, I'm pretty sure I can get a security guard to lock me in an elevator and flick the lights on and off for a couple of hours. (2:30)

Archphoenix: I noticed at the end that there was a URL posted: http://thenightchronicles.com/. I just went to that and it says, basically, that Devil is the first in a series of "supernatural thrillers" where Night will conceive the story but other people will put them to film. I like that Night's an optimist. (2:30)

Victim: M.I.A.'s New Video "XXXO"

Hello and welcome to Smacktalk, our newest feature at Culture Brats! Each week, we'll attack mock critique a music video or movie trailer. We're going to kick things off with a look at M.I.A.'s new video for "XXXO." Hope ya love it!



Daddy Geek Boy: When did M.I.A. go glam? Why isn't she angry? (0:05)

Didactic Pirate: Hey! Apollonia has a new video! Oh, wait. (0:07)

The Weirdgirl: Are those roses attacking?! I'm scared already. (0:07)

Chag: Wow. Was this video made in one of those booths at Six Flags? (0:10)

Mr. Big Dubya: Um... was this professionally done? I mean, it looks like some bad templates from Windows Movie Maker (0:16)

The Weirdgirl: Rocky Horror! (0:18)

Daddy Geek Boy: Oh I get it, this video was created on the internet in the '90s. (0:20)

Chag: Actually, I'm thinking they dusted off the TRS-80 to make this video (0:27)

Mamatulip: Did anyone else think she was saying 'sex, sex, sex, ho' at first? Or was that just me? (0:40)

Didactic Pirate: It's like Donald Trump had sex with a crappy Valentine's Day e-card and this was the result. Is there any chance that the cheap vibe is on purpose? I don’t know M.I.A. to say for sure. Kids today and their irony. (0:47)

Tania: Isn't M.I.A. a little too established to be a Prince protege? Where's her raspberry beret? (0:52)

The Weirdgirl: Where are the LOL cats? (0:58)

The Weirdgirl: Oh, there they are. (1:01)

Daddy Geek Boy: I can't help but feel like this is somehow Lady Gaga's fault. (1:03)

A Vapid Blonde: I think I saw her perform in New Hampshire in 1987 at an outdoor music venue... or it could have been Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam. (1:06)

Mr. Big Dubya: Honestly, this is just painful to watch. And there's still 2 minutes left. I don't like this game anymore. (1:07)

Chag: Did she just say something about tweeting on an iPhone? Is this an Apple ad? (1:14)

A Vapid Blonde: UNICORN STAMPEDE! (1:15)

Mr. Big Dubya: Tweety bird on your iPhone? Unicorn stampede? Are there gonna be sharks with lasers next? (1:16)

The Weirdgirl: Bling ball gags? That's a new and disturbing kink. (1:19)

Didactic Pirate: I'm a little worried she's going to choke on those diamond-encrusted letters she's eating. I hope one of those unicorns knows how to give the Heimlich. (1:19)

Mr. Big Dubya: Diamond-encrusted dental dams? I'm so confused. Hold me. (1:23)

The Weirdgirl: There are entirely too many subliminal vulva shapes in this video. (1:24)

A Vapid Blonde: Now I am thoroughly confused. I thought traditionally it was 'XOXO' not 'XXXO'. Also this will be going through my head all day. So thanks, M.I.A. Thanks a lot. (1:30)

Mamatulip: There is way too much flashing in this video. Good thing I'm not epileptic. (1:38)

Chag: All they'll have to is remove M.I.A. from the video, put in the lyrics, and they'll have a perfect karaoke video for the song. (1:52)

Didactic Pirate: She's a leopard! No, she's not. (2:02)

The Weirdgirl: You just know she bedazzles her va-jay-jay. (2:08)

Chag: Maybe you guys should be a little nicer. I'd hate for her to attack you with one of those M.I.A. swords from earlier in the video. (2:12)

Mr. Big Dubya: Ok. Who the hell directed this? I really need to smack him upside the head with his "vision." (2:28)

A Vapid Blonde: Entirely too much tongue fluttering goin on! I need to take a shower I feel so dirty. (2:37)

Jennyonthespot: Dudes. It, like totally, made me gag... and also flinch. (2:38)

Didactic Pirate: This woman is definitely using subliminal messages to make me do something. I'm just not sure what. Make out with a jungle cat? Hop on a swan and find the nearest Tunnel of Love? (2:40)

Mr. Big Dubya: The death of videos on MTV really meant the death of creative videos. This truly sucks. And there's still 14 seconds left. More time for more suckage. (2:52)

The Weirdgirl: Sex sex sex oh! Sex sex sex oh! Sex sex sex OOOOH... Thundercats! (2:52)

Mr. Big Dubya: "Thank you for adding me?" Where is the long-awaited "Dislike" button? If this video were on twitter, I'd mark as spam and BLOCK! (2:55)

Didactic Pirate: Yeah, sort of presumptuous to thank me for adding her. Verdict: Dislike, both for the song and the video. (2:57)

Daddy Geek Boy: I feel like there was some message here, but I may be too dumb to pick up on it. Thankfully the song is catchy. (3:01)

Jennyonthespot: I thought the whole feel of the video felt like a 25-cent sticker you get from a gas station vending machine. *ahem* (3:04)

Jennyonthespot: And pretty much I looked like this the whole way through: