SmackTalk: David Hasselhoff's The Hasselhoffs

Hello and welcome to Smacktalk, where each week we attack mock critique a music video or movie trailer. This week, we're taking a look at the promo for David Hasselhoff's upcoming A&E reality TV show, The Hasselhoffs. Hope ya love it!

Jenny: I'm glad I wasn't in San Diego at 12:30.

Archphoenix: THERE IS A BUS THAT SAYS "THE HASSELHOFFS?!"

Daddy Geek Boy: Having bore witness to this event, I feel it my duty to expose a few of the myths of this clip.

Jenny: Hoff-head on stick. Keep it classy, San Diego!

A Vapid Blonde: Hoff-head on a stick, it's like a corn dog but not as tasty. This is getting ugly already.

Dufmanno: Germans love David Hasselhoff. I had to get that in there.

Daddy Geek Boy: They closed down the street for this. Twice.

Dufmanno: Baywatch Babes and Dudes doing the "robot" to the "Knight Rider" theme is pure genius. This is increasing exponentially in the awesome category.

A Vapid Blonde: Young Hollywood wannabees will do anything. ANYTHING. I wouldn't be caught dead in that outfit.

Daddy Geek Boy: Amazingly, those Baywatch guys happened to be walking by. They're not a part of this promotion.

Chag: It's Rex Manning Day!

Dufmanno: Is the name of this song "Jump in my Car?" Are those Octoberfest maidens? So much is happening!

A Vapid Blonde: His blazer wouldn't be made of wet baby seal pelts, now would it?

Chag: Dick Van Patten is not amused.

Daddy Geek Boy: This guy's reaction? Yeah, that was pretty much mine too.

Chag: Ok. What's up with the pirate motorcycle gang?

Archphoenix: Oh my God it's a live performance medley of all of Hoff's greatest YouTube videos. "Jump in My Car" and "Hooked On A Feeling" - best performance EVER!

A Vapid Blonde: Butt crack.

A Vapid Blonde: Motorboat.

Jenny: No. I'll take THAT young fella. Yum.

Dufmanno: I keep getting hit with so much visually I'm having trouble climbing out from underneath the onslaught. This is the musical feel good public extravaganza of the year. Look at his enthusiasm with not one hint of snark!

Jenny: You are NOT high on a feelin'. Bull crap, Hoff.

Daddy Geek Boy: Seriously, a few blocks away the car from Green Hornet was getting more attention.

Jenny: OH MY GOSH. He really thinks people are in love with him! He IS high!

A Vapid Blonde: Shouldn't he be rolling around shirtless on a shag carpet eating a cheeseburger? That's the Hoff I love.

Chag: "Get Hoffed" was always one of my favorite Prince songs.

Archphoenix: Damn, no "Secret Agent Man" or "Don't Hassel the Hoff?" WEAK.

Dufmanno: I'm so getting Hoffed. And by the way don't pretend that you didn't LOVE this!

Chag: I'm getting Hoffed too! I can't wait until his city tour bus service comes to my town!

Archphoenix: Chag, I'd pay for that bus ride.

Daddy Geek Boy: Believe it or not, this was not the strangest thing I saw at Comic Con.

Jenny: You know what's sad? I really want to watch the trainwreck. Badly.

SmackTalk Victim: AWOLNATION, "Burn It Down"

Hello and welcome to Smacktalk, where each week we attack mock critique a music video or movie trailer. This week, we're taking a look at the video for AWOLNATION's "Burn It Down." Hope ya love it!



Dufmanno: The People's Court!



Dufmanno: Is that Samantha Ronson?

Chag: A guilty filthy soul is a crime? Time for me to take a trip to Canada to hang out with Randy Quaid!



Dufmanno: The accused embodies everything I ever wanted or needed in a man circa 1983-85.

Chag: You know, I had that same haircut twenty-six years ago. We all did.



Chag: Is that Rusty Burrell?



Chag: Please tase him, bro!



Dufmanno: Lightning flying from the fingertips is SO Emperor Palpatine. Or Anna Wintour. Or God.

The Weirdgirl: I wonder if he learned those crazy eyes from School Of Rock?



Chag: Should've tased him, bro. Now you're an MTV Video Music Award.



Didactic Pirate: Lasers, a bald mannequin and jury ninjas. I'm already totally on board.



Dufmanno: This guy is like a super mad scientist combo of a young Carey Elwes, Spandau Ballet, and Duran Duran's stylist. I think it goes without saying that I like him.



Dufmanno: What's he going to do to that secretly sexy lady with the librarian glasses and come-hither look?



Dufmanno: She's going to be a mermaid with a nice military jacket obviously.

The Weirdgirl: Bringing to life all those naughty Ariel fantasies for his lawyer.



The Weirdgirl: Bringing another fantasy to life for his lawyer! Transgender lightning!

Chag: Wow, Weirdgirl. I totally missed that the first time through.



The Weirdgirl: Booty shaking! And cheerleaders. Our legal system has been improved. I'd watch Court TV if every case was like this.

Didactic Pirate: More lasers AND cheerleaders? This just became the best halftime show EVER.



Dufmanno: Tame ninjas? What's the point?



Chag: Rusty busting a move!

The Weirdgirl: Lasers improve everything.



Chag: Why do I suddenly want a Coors Light?

The Weirdgirl: I know I'm supposed to be critiquing this but I'm blinded by the awesomeness.

The Weirdgirl: I seriously need to get me some booty shaking moves so I can be a groupie.



Chag: Cheerleaders having a pillow fight? Here's the music video you've been waiting for your entire life, 13-year-old me!

Didactic Pirate: Dude, this exact same thing happened to me when I went to go dispute a traffic ticket last week.

Dufmanno: The cheerleader pillow fight almost distracted me from that awesome sparkle guitar!

Dufmanno: I love this video, and the song is on FIRE! Can you imagine this live?

Chag: Agreed! The song kicks major ass!

Didactic Pirate: You know why the lead singer explodes in the end? Because he's got too much AWESOME coursing through his system. This song is great.

Victim: Nicolas Cage's Drive Angry

Hello and welcome to Smacktalk, where each week we attack mock critique a music video or movie trailer. This week, we're taking a look at the trailer for the upcoming Nicolas Cage feature Drive Angry. Hope ya love it!



Archphoenix: Isn't that Nic's car from Gone In Sixty Seconds? I wonder how many classic Nic Cage movies this will reference?

Dufmanno: I am already about to give this movie legendary status right behind Vanishing Point with this opener.

Daddy Geek Boy: Another crappy haircut. Another crappy accent. Another crappy Nic Cage movie.



Daddy Geek Boy: Movie cliche #1: Good guy walking away in slow motion from an explosion.

Dufmanno: How do you break out of hell? This movie might prove very useful for those of us who already have reservations on the bullet train.

Archphoenix: He broke out of hell? Is this Ghost Rider 2: We Couldn't Get the Rights? Wait... Did he just drive that muscle car through a burning pentagram?! AWESOME.



A Vapid Blonde: Is that a merkin on his head?

Archphoenix: Oh Nic, what's with the hair? Let it go, hon.

Daddy Geek Boy: Movie cliche #2: "You got mixed up with the wrong crowd."

Dufmanno: More cars. Big cars.

Daddy Geek Boy: Movie cliche #3: "He's got one last shot at redemption."



Chag: Why do cults always steal babies? Can't they just shoplift or something?

Dufmanno: Cults steal babies because babies don't require as much work. Duh.

Archphoenix: Kidnapping babies - Raising Arizona.



Dufmanno: The Devil's right hand man? I should know this stuff. I went to Catholic school.

A Vapid Blonde: I like how well dressed the Devil's right hand man is... shouldn't it be his left hand man though?

Archphoenix: The Devil has a bounty hunter now? Sweet!



A Vapid Blonde: Oh hey! It's me as an ass double.

Daddy Geek Boy: Megan Fox was seemingly unavailable to drape herself over the cars in this movie.

Archphoenix: Nic always gets the HOTTEST women in films - Angelina Jolie, Jessica Biel, Eva Mendes. I wonder if that's a rider in his contract?



Chag: Is that supposed to be a selling point?

Daddy Geek Boy: Chag, oddly for this movie it seems it's a bigger selling point than Nic Cage being in it.



Dufmanno: I hope someday I get to blow things up, punch Chief Swann and then get thrown out of the back of a motor home onto the hood of someone's muscle car. Do you think it will ever happen for me?



Archphoenix: Shot in 3D?! FINALLY. Nic Cage's hair coming at you in 3D! I'm in.

Daddy Geek Boy: A crappy movie shot in 3D is still a crappy movie. It just has an extra dimension of crappiness.

Dufmanno: Call me crazy, but I'm a sucker for this kind of camp. I'm in the theater on opening day!

A Vapid Blonde: I should totally be in this movie. I have a muscle car. I have guns. I am even wearing Daisy Dukes right now. And I am with Dufmanno on this one. The trailer is making me all amped up. Definitely a must see!

Victim: Gnomeo & Juliet

Hello and welcome to Smacktalk, where each week we attack mock critique a music video or movie trailer. This week, we're taking a look at the trailer for the upcoming animated feature Gnomeo & Juliet. Hope ya love it!



Dufmanno: Right out of the gate, my five-year old who is standing behind me and commented, "That's creepy." Gnomes are like a combo of Lilliputian clowns and puppets that talk.

Didactic Pirate: Ok. First of all, I've always found garden gnomes creepy. Second, Why is that blue gnome looking RIGHT AT ME?

Dufmanno: Okay, so like Toy Story?



Chag: Borat Gnome?

Daddy Geek Boy: Looks like they're really scraping the bottom of the anthropomorphic barrel here.



The Weirdgirl: I always knew gnomes were bloodthirsty bastards.

Archphoenix: Red vs. blue. Crips vs. Bloods. Capulet vs. Montague. You know, for kids! Also, Michael Caine, really? Can't you just ride those sweet sweet Batman paychecks and not do things like this?

The Weirdgirl: Drag racing? I thought this was a war movie, damn it. I want to see some gnome blood spilled.

Dufmanno: I take back those mean things I said about you McAvoy. Your voice is like butter even when it's coming out of a creature like that.



Archphoenix: Ok, I've actually done stage productions of Romeo And Juliet. Twice. I don't remember the part where Juliet is a friggin' ninja. And I'm pretty sure I would remember that.

Dufmanno: The frog is officially the most annoying character in this movie preview. That's saying a LOT.



Chag: It's been over ten years now. Can we please stop spoofing The Matrix?



The Weirdgirl: Uh... what pose did they just land in?

Chag: The Wheelbarrow. Kama Sutra, page 38.

Daddy Geek Boy: Wait! This is from the director of Shrek 2? That changes everything!



Daddy Geek Boy: Wait! This features music from Elton John? That changes everything back.

Archphoenix: You know what Shakespeare totally needs? Elton John tunes! Thank God that's finally been corrected after all these years.



The Weirdgirl: Hell bunnies!

Dufmanno: Braveheart-inspired Rayman Raving Rabbids?

Dufmanno: I'll have you know I find the Tiki Room at Disney mildly soothing so I approve of this part.

Didactic Pirate: Nice try, gnome. But that ceramic chick is just biding her time until Buzz Lightyear shows up.



Archphoenix: Throwing in "parting is such sweet sorrow" in some kind of faux-Shakespearean accent while ninja Juliet is flying away on a lawnmower doesn't make this thing an authentic classic. Nice try, though.

Didactic Pirate: Dear Shakespeare, I am so, so, SO sorry about this.

The Weirdgirl: Kelly Asbury, you're dead to me.

Didactic Pirate: Wonder how kids will handle the ending, when one gnome drinks poison, and the other one stabs herself. Spoiler Alert?

Archphoenix: Look this thing up on IMDb. The cast is insane: James McAvoy, Patrick Stewart, Emily Blunt, Maggie Smith, Seth Green, Seth Mcfarlane, HULK HOGAN, Jason Statham, Michael Caine, Dolly Parton, and OZZY OSBOURNE.

Daddy Geek Boy: If Ozzy is playing Elton John, they've got my $12.

Didactic Pirate: I hear they've already greenlit the sequel: Love's Lawn Ornaments Lost.

Victim: Katy Perry And Elmo, "Hot And Cold"

Hello and welcome to Smacktalk, where each week we attack mock critique a music video or movie trailer. This week, we're taking a look at the video for Katy Perry and Elmo's smokin' new duet, "Hot And Cold." Hope ya love it!

Dufmanno: HELLO! Any viewers still breastfeeding are going to have a Pavlovian response right here.

Daddy Geek Boy: Actually Dufmanno, Katy seems a little more um… bound than she normally does.

Daddy Geek Boy: You know, Katy actually looks kind of like a Muppet.

Archphoenix: She does look like a Muppet. An empty-brained Muppet with really big expressive eyes. And big... uh, yeah.

Didactic Pirate: I already feel dirty watching this.

Daddy Geek Boy: I'm not questioning Elmo's sexuality, but if Katy Perry asks you to play, you say, "Yes!"

Dufmanno: No Katie, Elmo doesn't want to play. You are making him uncomfortable and he keeps having to avert his eyes from your magnificent breasts.

Didactic Pirate: If she breaks out the whipped cream spewing bra, I'm calling Child Protective Services. Or Childlike Monster Protective Services.

Archphoenix: I like that the VEIL is the only part of her outfit that's for dress up.

Chag: An Oscar-caliber performance: Angry Katy Perry!

Didactic Pirate: Oh. Oh. Oh. This is not ok.

Chag: Electric Company flashbacks! Make them stop! St! Op! Stop!

The Weirdgirl: Dressing up like a baby doesn't make you innocent, Katy. That ship has sailed.

Didactic Pirate: Elmo's up and Elmo's down! Or maybe Elmo just has a funny new feeling in his furry pants.

Dufmanno: Okay, is this a joke? A vigorous jogging scene in glorified lingerie? The high school soccer team used to sit on the hill while we ran laps DREAMING of this kind of bounce.

Daddy Geek Boy: It's this kind of scene that makes me really happy that my kids love watching Sesame Street.

Chag: You know, if they showed more pretty women running in low-cut dresses, I might still be watching Sesame Street.

Chag: Oscar with a cameo!

Chag: Or maybe he's checking out her ass?

Daddy Geek Boy: He's definitely checking out her ass. Oscar's a perv!

Dufmanno: The confused Dalmatian makes another appearance. I suspect he might be trying to put a stop to this.

The Weirdgirl: Should they be hanging out in alleyways like this? Oh wait, they just passed a recycling bin. That makes it OK. Not at all like those other women who hang out in alleys.

Didactic Pirate: "Elmo! Don't you want to play?" Geez, she's needy. Take the hint, Katy. Go back to Candyland.

Daddy Geek Boy: I've been playing a lot of Candyland lately and trust me, Princess Frostine has nothing on Katy.

Didactic Pirate: Actually, I think I like this version better than the original. Maybe she should put Elmo in her "Teenage Dream" video.

Daddy Geek Boy: Excuse me while I send my kids out of the room and watch this video again.



If you have any suggestions for upcoming SmackTalk victims, send them our way!