SmackTalk Victim: Bret Michaels, "What I Got"

Hello and welcome to SmackTalk, where each week we attack mock critique a music video or movie trailer. This week, we're taking a look at the latest from Bret Michaels: the video for his cover of Sublime's "What I Got." Hope ya love it!

Daddy Geek Boy: Beat box? It really is the '80s all over again.

Didactic Pirate: Time to play a rousing round of "Count the Mullets."

Chag: Damn, Bret! Even Kanye wouldn't perform in front of a thirty-foot image of himself!

The Weirdgirl: And he's off! At the pace of a snail. Rock on, snail.

Didactic Pirate: I'll bet a thousand bucks that he's totally bald in real life. That blond hair is actually sewn into all of his bandanas and cowboy hats.

Chag: Yes! Bret's rockin' the county fair!

Daddy Geek Boy: Okay, so it may be hard to rip on Bret Michaels after all he’s gone through, but can we at least rip on his fans?

A Vapid Blonde: I swear that's not me, drunk at a Bret Michaels Concert desecrating Sublime.

The Weirdgirl: Game! Every time you see a wife-beater, take a drink.

Daddy Geek Boy: Oh, I get it! They're showing a Dalmatian because he says "Dalmatian" in the song. Clever.

Chag: Marry me!

Didactic Pirate: Ok, I do like the woman who's playing thigh guitar. There's technique there. She looks classically trained.

Chag: Mothertruckin' riot? We should really stop listening to this song RIGHT NOW. He's practically daring us.

Daddy Geek Boy: Can we all agree now that "mothertruckin'" just isn’t an acceptable substitute?

Archphoenix: But there's a lady playing her leg like a guitar! FOCUS, people!

A Vapid Blonde: Is any one else worried that that poor innocent girl who is playing her leg like a mothertruckin' riot is about to have her boobs pop out? Because I am.

Chag: And by "worried" you mean "hoping," right? Because I am.

Didactic Pirate: You know, it's not cool for you guys to make fun of the South so much. I mean, these are regular folks just like you and me. It just doesn't seem fair for us to make fun of HOLY CRAP THAT'S A BIG FAT DUDE TURNING HIS UMBRELLA INTO A STRIPPING POLE AND HE'S LICKING IT.

Archphoenix: I can't unsee that. Not cool Bret, not cool.

A Vapid Blonde: Um. Um. UMBRELLAS!

The Weirdgirl: "Join our cult. We love you."

A Vapid Blonde: No, no, no no no no no! Don't get that as a tattoo!

Daddy Geek Boy: Do you think this guy's getting this horrible tat just so he can say he got the tat in a Bret Michaels video on YouTube?

Daddy Geek Boy: Two minutes in and I'm wondering why this is called the "Holiday Version."

The Weirdgirl: Well, obviously children + adults drinking + talking about pot = family values. And the holidays are ALL ABOUT family.

Archphoenix: The drummer has a righteous mohawk!

Chag: Yeah, I think he showed up for the wrong video.

 

Chag: It's a little hard to hear you sing "I don't get angry at the bills I got to pay" when you show us pictures of your pool which is bigger than most lakes.

A Vapid Blonde: And there it is ladies and gentlemen. The proof we have been looking for. Bret Michaels does NOT have a bandanna hair hat toupee.

Didactic Pirate: Can you get get crabs from watching a video?

SmackTalk Victim: Blubberella

Hello and welcome to Smacktalk, where each week we attack mock critique a music video or movie trailer. This week, we're taking a look at the trailer for Blubberella. Hope ya love it!



Chag: Is this Schindler's List?

Archphoenix: Oh dear God, Chag. Uwe isn't really going Holocaust, is he?



A Vapid Blonde: "And all hope is fading." Is this a foreshadowing of my feelings for this movie?

Archphoenix: Vapid, it's a Uwe Boll film. There is no hope that this will be classy. Or watchable.



Chag: Here's a fun idea: let's drink every time they make a fat joke!

A Vapid Blonde: Did she just say she's Zamfir? This is already confusing.



Chag: Great! Just what the world needed: more slo-mo Matrix bullet dodging!



Chag: Ladies and gentlemen, Richie Cunningham's little brother!



Archphoenix: Rolling pins? Really? Oh Uwe. *sigh*

Chag: Ok. I'm drunk now.



A Vapid Blonde: She just killed that guy over a Footlong. All the work that Jared's done for the Subway image, RUINED!



A Vapid Blonde: Did she just poop? Oh my God, what is going on and why is there a cigar girl in the background?



A Vapid Blonde: Chia Hitler!



A Vapid Blonde: I kind of like the Bavarian Beer Fest Wench look. Anyone else craving a St. Pauli Girl... or twelve right now?

Archphoenix: I don't even understand what's happening here with all the weaving. Is it too late to sign up on the Stop Uwe Boll petition?

Chag: So... this is about an obese half-vampire super hero who kills Nazis? They came up with this plot using Mad Libs, didn't they?

Archphoenix: No, Chag, they pulled it from Uwe Boll's magical hat of crap ideas. HOW DOES HE KEEP GETTING FUNDING?

Chag: I just IMDbed Uwe Boll and don't think I've seen a single one of his movies. After watching this trailer, I plan on keeping it that way.

SmackTalk Victim: 2010: Moby Dick

Hello and welcome to Smacktalk, where each week we attack mock critique a music video or movie trailer. This week, we're taking a look at the trailer for 2010: Moby Dick. Hope ya love it!



Daddy Geek Boy: From a studio no one has ever heard of...

Archphoenix: I'm kind of ashamed of myself for knowing that Asylum is the same company that did Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus.



The Weirdgirl: Evil lurks? Are the Backstreet Boys down there?

A Vapid Blonde: I'd be pissed too if I was that whale. First he's evil, then he's a monster, what's next?



Chag: No tease whatsoever. I like this. Bringing the monster out, front and center, from the get-go!

Didactic Pirate: Who knew whales growl like grizzly bears when they attack?



Archphoenix: Did that whale just bite a nuke?



Archphoenix: Gabrielle from Xena! I wondered recently what she was up to. And I fear it's nothing good.

Dufmanno: "And that would make it 400 feet?" I actually did research on what 400 feet looks like. They are right to look concerned.

The Weirdgirl: I'll be sorely disappointed if this isn't a prehistoric whale. (Today's whales are just whining posers.)



Didactic Pirate: For just one nanosecond, I thought that was Sean Penn with a bad 'stache. I owe Mr. Penn an apology e-card.

Chag: I don't remember nukes in Moby Dick. I knew I should've read the damn thing and not relied on Cliffs Notes.

Dufmanno: It's never truly dangerous until a "boatload of nukes" is involved.

Daddy Geek Boy: Forgive me if I'm wrong, but isn't one nuke all it really takes to be dangerous?




Archphoenix: Took his leg in '69? Oh Barry, did they pitch this to you by saying, "The film sucks. Here's a big pile of money."

Dufmanno: Revenge. Driving plots since the dawn of time.



A Vapid Blonde: Oh honey don't you even remember? He's not an animal, he's an EVIL 400 FOOT MONSTER! Pfft, blondes.

Daddy Geek Boy: Go back to PETA you dumb hippie. A giant killer whale is not an animal. Haven't you seen Sharktopus?

Didactic Pirate: Nice scar on Bostwick. It says, "I'm a badass," but also, "I'm emotionally vulnerable."

Chag: Did he just say, "I'd strike the sun if it insulted me?" How is that even possible? What does that even mean?

Dufmanno: Okay, I’m with Chag on this one. What the hell is even going on is right. The sun?

Archphoenix: Chag, basically, he's the anti-Al Gore.
 
A Vapid Blonde: *blink* *blink* *blink* BWAHHAAAHAAAA. Whoever wrote this should not be allowed near any writing implements ever again.
 
The Weirdgirl:  I'm feeling the whale at this moment. Dude needs to be eaten.
 
The Weirdgirl: Oh, and the sky has pissed me off lately. I think I'll nuke it.



Chag: We're going to need a bigger boat.

Didactic Pirate: I don't care how high you can leap, Whale. Sharktopus could still make you his bitch.

Daddy Geek Boy:  I have no idea what's happening right now.  It's like a Michael Bay film all of a sudden.

Didactic Pirate: That's one fast-moving CGI rendering of a whale.

The Weirdgirl: Body slam!



Daddy Geek Boy: I was going to pass on this movie until they told me that it starred a Golden Globe winner. That changes everything!
 
Chag: You know that Barry Bostwick's character is named Captain Ahab? *rolls eyes*
 
Didactic Pirate: Just so I understand: the producers saw a rerun of Spin City, looked at each other and said, "Gentlemen, we've found our Ahab."



Daddy Geek Boy: Shouldn't the title be Moby Dick: 2010? Also, 2010 is almost over so they better get this thing out soon otherwise the movie's not going to make any sense.

A Vapid Blonde: Oh jeez Barry, now you've gone and done it. Calling him "The Devil Himself?" Thats is really going to piss off the evil 400-foot monster that lurks below the surface.

Dufmanno: But Barry, he is a whale. I’m confused.

The Weirdgirl: He's the Keyser Soze of whales.

Didactic Pirate: Herman Melville is going to rise from his grave and smack an apology out of some movie execs for this one.

SmackTalk: David Hasselhoff's The Hasselhoffs

Hello and welcome to Smacktalk, where each week we attack mock critique a music video or movie trailer. This week, we're taking a look at the promo for David Hasselhoff's upcoming A&E reality TV show, The Hasselhoffs. Hope ya love it!

Jenny: I'm glad I wasn't in San Diego at 12:30.

Archphoenix: THERE IS A BUS THAT SAYS "THE HASSELHOFFS?!"

Daddy Geek Boy: Having bore witness to this event, I feel it my duty to expose a few of the myths of this clip.

Jenny: Hoff-head on stick. Keep it classy, San Diego!

A Vapid Blonde: Hoff-head on a stick, it's like a corn dog but not as tasty. This is getting ugly already.

Dufmanno: Germans love David Hasselhoff. I had to get that in there.

Daddy Geek Boy: They closed down the street for this. Twice.

Dufmanno: Baywatch Babes and Dudes doing the "robot" to the "Knight Rider" theme is pure genius. This is increasing exponentially in the awesome category.

A Vapid Blonde: Young Hollywood wannabees will do anything. ANYTHING. I wouldn't be caught dead in that outfit.

Daddy Geek Boy: Amazingly, those Baywatch guys happened to be walking by. They're not a part of this promotion.

Chag: It's Rex Manning Day!

Dufmanno: Is the name of this song "Jump in my Car?" Are those Octoberfest maidens? So much is happening!

A Vapid Blonde: His blazer wouldn't be made of wet baby seal pelts, now would it?

Chag: Dick Van Patten is not amused.

Daddy Geek Boy: This guy's reaction? Yeah, that was pretty much mine too.

Chag: Ok. What's up with the pirate motorcycle gang?

Archphoenix: Oh my God it's a live performance medley of all of Hoff's greatest YouTube videos. "Jump in My Car" and "Hooked On A Feeling" - best performance EVER!

A Vapid Blonde: Butt crack.

A Vapid Blonde: Motorboat.

Jenny: No. I'll take THAT young fella. Yum.

Dufmanno: I keep getting hit with so much visually I'm having trouble climbing out from underneath the onslaught. This is the musical feel good public extravaganza of the year. Look at his enthusiasm with not one hint of snark!

Jenny: You are NOT high on a feelin'. Bull crap, Hoff.

Daddy Geek Boy: Seriously, a few blocks away the car from Green Hornet was getting more attention.

Jenny: OH MY GOSH. He really thinks people are in love with him! He IS high!

A Vapid Blonde: Shouldn't he be rolling around shirtless on a shag carpet eating a cheeseburger? That's the Hoff I love.

Chag: "Get Hoffed" was always one of my favorite Prince songs.

Archphoenix: Damn, no "Secret Agent Man" or "Don't Hassel the Hoff?" WEAK.

Dufmanno: I'm so getting Hoffed. And by the way don't pretend that you didn't LOVE this!

Chag: I'm getting Hoffed too! I can't wait until his city tour bus service comes to my town!

Archphoenix: Chag, I'd pay for that bus ride.

Daddy Geek Boy: Believe it or not, this was not the strangest thing I saw at Comic Con.

Jenny: You know what's sad? I really want to watch the trainwreck. Badly.

SmackTalk Victim: AWOLNATION, "Burn It Down"

Hello and welcome to Smacktalk, where each week we attack mock critique a music video or movie trailer. This week, we're taking a look at the video for AWOLNATION's "Burn It Down." Hope ya love it!



Dufmanno: The People's Court!



Dufmanno: Is that Samantha Ronson?

Chag: A guilty filthy soul is a crime? Time for me to take a trip to Canada to hang out with Randy Quaid!



Dufmanno: The accused embodies everything I ever wanted or needed in a man circa 1983-85.

Chag: You know, I had that same haircut twenty-six years ago. We all did.



Chag: Is that Rusty Burrell?



Chag: Please tase him, bro!



Dufmanno: Lightning flying from the fingertips is SO Emperor Palpatine. Or Anna Wintour. Or God.

The Weirdgirl: I wonder if he learned those crazy eyes from School Of Rock?



Chag: Should've tased him, bro. Now you're an MTV Video Music Award.



Didactic Pirate: Lasers, a bald mannequin and jury ninjas. I'm already totally on board.



Dufmanno: This guy is like a super mad scientist combo of a young Carey Elwes, Spandau Ballet, and Duran Duran's stylist. I think it goes without saying that I like him.



Dufmanno: What's he going to do to that secretly sexy lady with the librarian glasses and come-hither look?



Dufmanno: She's going to be a mermaid with a nice military jacket obviously.

The Weirdgirl: Bringing to life all those naughty Ariel fantasies for his lawyer.



The Weirdgirl: Bringing another fantasy to life for his lawyer! Transgender lightning!

Chag: Wow, Weirdgirl. I totally missed that the first time through.



The Weirdgirl: Booty shaking! And cheerleaders. Our legal system has been improved. I'd watch Court TV if every case was like this.

Didactic Pirate: More lasers AND cheerleaders? This just became the best halftime show EVER.



Dufmanno: Tame ninjas? What's the point?



Chag: Rusty busting a move!

The Weirdgirl: Lasers improve everything.



Chag: Why do I suddenly want a Coors Light?

The Weirdgirl: I know I'm supposed to be critiquing this but I'm blinded by the awesomeness.

The Weirdgirl: I seriously need to get me some booty shaking moves so I can be a groupie.



Chag: Cheerleaders having a pillow fight? Here's the music video you've been waiting for your entire life, 13-year-old me!

Didactic Pirate: Dude, this exact same thing happened to me when I went to go dispute a traffic ticket last week.

Dufmanno: The cheerleader pillow fight almost distracted me from that awesome sparkle guitar!

Dufmanno: I love this video, and the song is on FIRE! Can you imagine this live?

Chag: Agreed! The song kicks major ass!

Didactic Pirate: You know why the lead singer explodes in the end? Because he's got too much AWESOME coursing through his system. This song is great.