Hellcats: "A World Full Of Strangers"

You know how to make yourself feel real good? Watch Hellcats after you ate an entire vat of mashed potatoes and chicken stew so that your belly looks a little, shall we say, pregnant.

Because these girls are athletes damn it, who happen to be able to wear a skirt that looks a little bit more like a belt than a skirt. They don't even have to lie on their backs to make their bellies look flat.

Bitches.

Ha, I'm just kidding. They are all very, very cute and while I am sure the lead character Marti would probably smack me silly for calling her cute, it can't be denied. She is way cute and totally smart. And I kind of wouldn't mind it if she smacked me, or my ass or something.

Cheerleaders are ATHLETES and don't you ever forget it!

E. V. E. R.

So here is the One Night Stand Synopsis:

1. Marti has to get a scholarship because her WTEDM (White Trash Emotional Drunk Mother) can't pay the bills even though she's a university employee. (Plot Hole Number One. If we get to the third hole, it's going to be messy and I may have to back out of this.)

2. If your cheer squad is in danger of a major budget cut, your LEAD FLYER should not mess it up by trying to sabotage her replacement (Plot Hole Number Two) because obviously the coveted spot you so want would be cut from the budget, unless all you want is to be shtooped by Lewis?

And therein lies the rub. His name is Lewis "Does this look crooked?" Flynn.

Karma is a total bitch, Alice!

If Alice hadn't taken Marti's towel and robe, Lewis "Does this look crooked?" Flynn would never have seen her naked and she would never have seen Lewis "Does this look crooked?" Flynn naked and... She. Is. Dumb!

Alice is a moron. A totally hot cute moron, but a moron nonetheless.

The real problem here is that Lewis "Does this look crooked?" Flynn has requested that Marti be his permanent flyer, which I am sure is like becoming a servant of some kind of a god, and Alice in Moron Land was eavesdropping on that conversation, so now she is totally pissed off.

From what I gather even though Alice doesn't need to lie on her back to make her belly flat, I am pretty sure her she was doing "just that" for Lewis "Does this look crooked?" Flynn but now that Lewis has seen Marti naked (because Alice is indeed a moron), he wants her to FLY all around his face.

For crying out loud you would think I was watching Debbie Does Memphis and not Hellcats. Or Bring it On. Or some other porn movie yet to be made. Hellcats? Hmmm what could replace that? Hell what?

So, do we want to see more? OF COURSE WE DO! Because it ended with a stadium full of people and one of those people is Marti's White Trash Emotional Drunk Mother that we all scanned the crowd to try and find and failed because if we found her the season would be over.

Right?

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The Next Nikita

Nikita appears to be one of The CW's hopeful centerpieces of the Fall TV season. The sleek Maggie "I'm-too-sexy-for-a-whole-last-name" Q plays the titular character, a fugitive former killer trained as a kid by a shadowy government agency called The Division, who's now on a mission to bring the organization down and set its new generation of young hostage/trainees free.

It's basically a low-rent Bourne Identity, but without the amnesia. And with more thigh-flashing action.

We've been here before, of course. First there was the 1990 French film La Femme Nikita. Then there was Point of No Return, the 1993 American remake with Bridget Fonda. And then there was the more recent Nikita TV series (1997-2001). Is this new Nikita comparable to the others? Couldn't tell you – didn't see any of them.

But one thing is obvious: Hollywood is not going to leave us alone until we freakin' give in and let ourselves get seduced already. They've decided that we can't get enough of this particular trope: the bad-ass, beautiful-but-deadly chick who can't make up her mind whether to get out of the killing game, or get revenge on the men who made her play in the first place.

It's true that we love our heroines to be hot, deadly, and emotionally wrecked. And this new Nikita checks all those boxes. Plus an extra one: it's got some pretty decent writing guiding it along.

Despite too much sluggish exposition through the main character's backstory (bad childhood, false accusation of murder, betrayal, plus a dead ex-boyfriend) a pretty stylish little cat-and-mouse action drama seems to be emerging here. Nikita is working on the outside to dismantle the ominous Division as revenge for the life they stole from her. Meanwhile, a young girl named Alex is The Division's newest unwilling recruit, a soon-to-be Nikita 2.0; unless someone comes to her rescue. The two don't meet in the first episode, but they do make first contact. It's all very tech-savvy and slick. And even though the episode's plot unearths no surprises, it clicks along rapidly once it finds its groove. Maggie Q plays the Double-0-Bad-Ass with a cool deftness, and just a hint of the broken little girl hidden inside the killer. I have no idea if Q can act or not (her last big role was a similar stock character in the most recent Mission: Impossible installment), but luckily, it doesn't seem like acting is going to be a big requirement here. And she may in fact have the chops. Plus, did I mention she's hot?

I won't commit my DVR to recording the season. But I will set it for next week. After that, we'll see.

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Weezer Has Memories Of Jackasses

Weezer debuted the video for the first single from Hurley on Thursday. "Memories" features Weezer lip-synching the song as the guys from Jackass perform various stunts.

Weezer + the Jackass guys = 1 very cool video

The song kicks major ass, too.



P.S. Hurley is pretty good. It's not Pinkerton good, but nothing ever will be, people. It's good enough to almost erase the Memories of Raditude. But not entirely.

But "Where's My Sex?" is just as dumb as everyone says it is. "Sex making is a family tradition?" Who the hell wrote the lyrics, Rivers? Borat?

If you feel like giving the album a spin, they're streaming Hurley on MySpace.

a-ha, "Take On Me"

Here's a classic. From 1985, here's a-ha's "Take On Me."

Enjoy!

SmackTalk Victim: Insane Clown Posse, "Juggalo Island"

Hello and welcome to Smacktalk, where each week we attack mock critique a music video or movie trailer. This week, we're taking a look at the video for Insane Clown Posse's "Juggalo Island." Hope ya love it!



Archphoenix: I like that it starts off with a nice, peaceful, glowy cabin in the wilderness. This is going to be a nice video, right? (0:05)

Dufmanno: Is it me, or do these people seem to only be giving a half-hearted attempt at looking like they are enjoying their time on Juggalo Island? (0:13)

The Weirdgirl: Wait till the booze kicks in. (0:14)

Chag: Wow. KISS sounds weird. (0:15)

Daddy Geek Boy: Wow. KISS got fat. (0:16)

Dufmanno: Food on the fire, boats on the water, hundreds of ample bosomed women drinking large quantities of beer: this could be the opening sequence for Piranha 2. (0:18)

Dufmanno: No poor quality video is complete without the "ruler spank." (0:25)

Archphoenix: That dirty clown man just totally ruined The Little Mermaid for me. That is NOT what Ariel and Prince Erik did in the water. (0:28)

Chag: "I got my dick in your hot dog bun?" Please tell me that's a euphemism and not lunch. (0:34)

Archphoenix: Oh dear God. I'm so glad I never eat hot dogs. I'd have to give them up after that lyric. (0:34)

Archphoenix: Wait, did that clown man say something about him wearing a Speedo? There goes breakfast. Seriously, why did I think I could eat and watch this? (0:43)

Chag: Is this Sugar Ray? (0:58)

Daddy Geek Boy: Sugar Ray got fat. (0:59)

Daddy Geek Boy: We've got sun, women, food, music. If only Ron Jeremy were here. (1:00)

Dufmanno: Stop jumping with that puppy! (1:02)

A Vapid Blonde: OH! I get why Ron Jeremy is here. It's that whole dick in a bun thing from earlier. (1:05)

A Vapid Blonde: Welcome to Juggalo Island, where all of your zombie needs are met. Even corpse on the grill. (1:23)

The Weirdgirl: I think I need some of what that guy's smoking to get through the rest of this. (1:36)

A Vapid Blonde: Wow, that guy's boobs are WAY bigger then mine! Time to do the motorboat on Juggalo Island. (1:39)

Dufmanno: We seem to have questionable water quality on Juggalo Island. I'm starting to believe it may in fact be a Superfund site. (1:54)

Daddy Geek Boy: Burning Man ain't what it used to be. (2:08)

A Vapid Blonde: This is like some horrible mash up of Killer Clowns From Outer Space and Wicker Man. (2:16)

Chag: It's been nearly two minutes. Are we just pretending like we didn't see the girls in the thongs? (2:20)

The Weirdgirl: Are you kidding? Those thongs were the least nightmare-inducing image here. Bring 'em back! (2:22)

Chag: That's not a hatchet. Or a dead hula girl, for that matter. (2:37)

Dufmanno: It's already running about one minute over what the normal human can tolerate. Edit, people! (3:09)

Dufmanno: Vin Diesel? (3:22)

The Weirdgirl: I used to be a little "clown-curious" but now I'm not. Not. At. All! (3:25)

A Vapid Blonde: I think that dog was just signing the words, "HELP ME." (3:33)

Chag: No wonder! Did you see that freaky Day-Glo clown next to it? (3:33)

Dufmanno: I feel like I just kicked a puppy and I'm not sure why. (3:45)

Chag: Juggalo Island: Worst Spring Break Ever. (3:45)

Daddy Geek Boy: It's comforting to know that middle age will even mellow out the ICP. (3:46)

A Vapid Blonde: Now I can't stop singing, "Ha ha ha ha ha!" And I feel high. (3:46)

Robert Pattinson, We Need to Talk

Stop glowering at me like
that. You are making it hard
to concentrate.

I recently wrote a scathing, no-holds-barred exposé of my inability to resist the frothy vampire teen romance novel Twilight and all of its pitfalls. Along with the shame of exposing myself and my continued downward spiral, I am now ten dollars poorer and four rungs lower on the respect ladder that I'd been trying to ascend.

Yes, a thousand dead literature professors rolled collectively in their graves and my Classics teacher is probably having chest pains but whatever. But let's forget all that for a moment and focus instead on grabbing onto the career trajectory of one meteoric star that emerged from all this hoopla.

Robert Pattinson, I need to speak to you about this crossroads you stand at. You see, I like to sometimes intervene on behalf of celebrities whose shiny veneer has faded with time and are behaving badly. YOU are at the pinnacle of your fame and fortune and therefore much too conspicuous to merit a visit or phone call from me personally. That, and you would probably see fit to summon a constable and have me arrested but I digress....

Here's the problem.

I'm seeing a pattern.

Do you know what that means? No? Well, let me tell you.

You've got a basic something, there is no denying that. Raw animal magnetism paired with sex appeal and a scruffy, unwashed, yet not hipster douchebag, likability. That, and you are English. Never underestimate how much undeserved clout an accent commands in Hollywood.

Your slightly more menacing take on Edward during the first Twilight film was admirable and your kissing skills are clearly enough to make a million pairs of underwear hit the floor simultaneously, but we are looking for something more. That something is longevity.

I like to draw a warm and well intentioned comparison to Brad Pitt who I feel evoked similar thoughts with his first big scene in Thelma & Louise. The similarities don't end there. He managed to get himself cast in a popular vampire flick based on an equally beloved book series when he kicked off into uncharted territory. But then Brad saw the handwriting on the wall and pulled an about face. Fight Club with Fincher, 12 Monkeys with Gilliam, etc. Yes, he also did tripe like Legends of the Fall and Seven Years in Tibet, but the point is he mixed it up and his pretty boy image was replaced by that of a guy with chops who wasn't afraid to get dirty, scruffy, and insane.

So here is my advice to you: pull a Brando.

Gain a hundred pounds, keep the full face of mountain man growth you've been sporting, become an eccentric recluse, and buy a whole island near Tahiti. Work with a Danny Boyle, a Fincher, a Scorsese, or a Christopher Nolan. Hell even a Guy Ritchie on a gritty, violent, crime-ridden tale of underworld scum.

Stir the pot.

Play against type.

Gain a reputation for bizarre method acting shenanigans where you spend four weeks in a cave "prepping" for a role with only a family of chimps and Jane Goodall for company.

The line between the fantastic and the mundane is murky and hard to see young fella, so grab your apple and make the most of this insanity while you hold the reigns.

Years from now when you are sitting on your sprawling wraparound porch, you will make a mental note to thank me for taking you gently by the hand and showing you the opposing fates wrestling to overwhelm your future. So, YOU'RE WELCOME and choose wisely, young Padawan.

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Reel Big Fish, "Sell Out"

From 1996, here's "Sell Out" by Reel Big Fish.

Enjoy!

Ryan Seacrest And Larry King Do Lady GaGa

This will be the most disturbing thing you'll see and hear all day.

After hearing Ryan Seacrest's extremely off-key and stiff version of Lady GaGa's "Poker Face," you'll say to yourself, "You're right, Chag. That is the most disturbing thing I'll see and hear all day."

That is, until Larry King takes the mike and gives his own special spin on GaGa. I think the "mmmm muah mamamama" noises he makes while "singing" can best be described as the sounds a mating manatee makes.



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Who Needs Miley? Billy Ray Cyrus Has Plenty Of Other Kids

If you thought you'd be free of Billy Ray Cyrus's charms once Hannah Montana ended, think again. Billy Ray will be teaming up with another one of his children, Trace, for an upcoming SyFy paranormal show. Yes, the channel that creates flicks like Mega Python vs. Gatoroid and plenty of other paranormal shows (Destination Truth, Fact Or Faked: Paranormal Files, and about 16 different Ghost Hunters shows) is giving Miley's Daddy a show.

The show's name? UFO: Unbelievably Freakin' Obvious.

Unbelievably Freakin' Awesome is more like it!

The show will follow Cyrus & Cyrus as they look at paranormal cover-ups and conspiracy theories.

But what we want to know today is which musician would you like to see star in his or her own paranormal show? Have your say in the comments!

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Steve Earle, "Copperhead Road"

From 1988, here's Steve Earle's "Copperhead Road."

Enjoy!