Bizarre Television Moments: Mr. Belvedere Teaches Us About AIDS

From context, it is likely that the family learns about AIDS from a neighborhood kid that has the disease. At first, they are probably scared, but then they realize that he is just like them! There's no harm in that, but did they have to make it so... abrupt?

Bizarre Television Moments: The 90210 Gang Ends Racism With The Electric Slide

What was going through our heads in the nineties? I lived through it and I couldn't even tell you. One thing I do know, in hindsight, is that there was very little irony. Most television was done in earnest, and I, as a teenager, ingested it in true faith.



Nothing is more nineties than the original 90210, and this clip blows my mind. Where to begin? First, the gang hosts a dance with a neighboring urban (read: black) high school that has a history of violence. Everyone's nervous that something will go down, but David Silver raps his way in the hearts of the students. Then, why not mend race relations with the Electric Slide? Also, Brenda is wearing chunky socks with her boots. And Andrea looks about thirty-eight years old. (My favorite part is at 1:42).

May I also remind you that IRL, David Silver is Mr. Megan Fox?

On the bright side, I am thrilled that the cast is making an appearance in Old Navy commercials. Ever wonder what Brandon and Dylan would be like in their forties? Wonder no longer.



I would have and will always choose Brandon, in case you were wondering.

The Best Hair Metal Songs That Should Have Been In Rock Of Ages

Seeing Rock of Ages this weekend really brought up my pre-teen obsessions with hair metal. Except back then, it was just considered "metal." It wasn't until we had some distance that we can look back with some critique and perspective that suddenly we think how "uncool' it really was. Not me; although that probably has to do with the fact that anything we experienced during our pubescent years (12-15) was so important and had an impact on us. I'll also be frank here: my sexual awakening was made possible by guys like Bret Michaels and Sebastian Bach.

In the late eighties, I had just come off of a New Kids On The Block frenzy, and when they fizzled, I was looking for the next big crush. I had a friend with an older sister who was into metal, and therefore she was the expert who led me down the path to obsession. One time at her house, we watched endless hours of Headbanger's Ball, and the combination of over-sexualized, hyper-masculinity mixed with traditionally feminine dress like makeup, long hair, and bright colored-clothing whipped my young teen psyche into a frenzy.

But, honestly, it wasn't just about the guys--it was even more so about the music. Here was something loud, upbeat with lyrics that didn't kid around. Even to this day, I have no patience for low-temp, low key music (sorry Iron And Wine, Elliott Smith, and Bon Iver). And these lyrics really meant business; everything was about what said singer was going to do to a woman's body, where he was going to stick it, and on many occasions, a sweet pining for love. Guys who would take charge AND are sensitive! Swoon!

As a young impressionable teen, I fell right into the marketing ploy that this kind of rock 'n' roll was fun. Anyone who tried to get in the way was a total square. The teased hair and tight miniskirt groupie girls were the luckiest girls in the world: they got to have fun and hang out with the hottest guys in the universe! My friend and I would actually spend the most time scrutinizing the girls who got to be in the videos and tear them apart over our obsessive jealousy. It was only until later that I realized what these women's experiences probably were, and the bands' struggles. (Seriously, read The Dirt. It's fascinating and tragic.)

Although I don't quite agree with Archphoenix's enthusiasm for the movie, I couldn't help but get excited to hear some of my favorite songs get some attention ("I Wanna Know What Love Is" being one of my favorites.) There seemed to be six gazillion songs featured in the film, and about gazillion also would have been welcome. Here are some of my favorite hair metal songs that didn't make the cut:

Revisiting "It's My Party," The Best Episode Of Family Ties Ever

Rewatching Family Ties has not only been nostalgic, but hilarious. Alex P. Keaton's devotion to the Republican party in contrast to his parents' liberal views was lost on me during first watch, but his unabashed disdain for women's studies and big government influence are actually quite sublime.

No doubt Alex was the standout star of the show, and Justine Bateman's delightfully airheaded Mallory and her equally-stupid boyfriend Nick were also popular with fans. (I only recently learned that Nick (played by the aptly-named Scott Valentine) had a short-lived spinoff. Seriously!) But what of the youngest Keaton, Jennifer (yes, I know Andy existed, but he added nothing to the show)? She rarely had any solo storylines. Her contributions consisted of commenting on her elder siblings and being congratulated on a great baseball game. We get it, alright? Jennifer is a tomboy.

And let's face it, Tina Yothers went through some tough times as a young actress. By age twelve, she looked about thirty two, towered over her siblings (although we know Michael J Fox's stature didn't help things) and had hair like a straw factory exploded. I'm not one to be negative about a young woman's looks, but it IS hard to deal with puberty on national television.

Which is why in Season Five, one of the Jennifer-centric episodes is worth revisiting. "It's My Party" was a two-part story arc. As a youngster, I was fascinated with any episode show that included (1) a makeover (2) someone getting to be in the popular crowd and (3) awesome outfits. Let's face it, I was a shallow kid. And a very insecure one.

Let's get into this sordid tale. Have a seat: it's a two-parter!

Dragon's Lair Comes Home (Again)

The summer of 1983 was a bit of a turning point for me. It was my first year of junior high, that pivotal time when school and social circles become more cutthroat and you start to realize that you're not much of a kid anymore. Return Of The Jedi had just come out--concluding an obsession that lasted nearly half my life--and for the first time I was more aware of the zippers in the back of the Ewok costumes than the massive space battles I beheld. I was fat and nerdy, not sure how I fit into a world where everyone was suddenly trying to moonwalk. And unbeknownst to me, the final salvo of a childhood of quarter-filled pockets was unleashed.

One of my great pleasures was visiting the local roller rinks, pizza parlors, and bowling alleys, because that's where the video games were. We didn't have an Atari at home, so I would save up my change and wait for an invitation or a ride to anywhere a stray Battle Zone or Dig Dug machine was. I generally sucked at most of them (I particularly remember regularly embarrassing myself with Joust), but by 1983 I'd begun tiring of them. The old classics were still around--Frogger, Q*Bert, Donkey Kong Jr.--but it was harder and harder for them to compete with girls the other distractions of my 13-year old life.

Until, that is, I saw Dragon's Lair.

21 Jump Street Recap: Now I'll Never Be A Teen Model!

To the surprise of many, 21 Jump Street opened this weekend to rave reviews. Heck, even Roger Ebert liked it. What better way to celebrate than to take a look back on the show that started it all? We've already recapped the two-part pilot, but I'm jumping ahead in Season One to one of my favorite episodes, "13 Blown To 35." Why? Two words: MODELING SCHOOL.

Prologue: In a scene taken right from Point Break, a team of agents raid a drug house. In the last room of one of the houses, they find a teenage girl and one agent says, "Do you know who this is? It's Lacey King." Apparently she's a famous porn actress, now living in... what the HELL is this city anyway?

Scene: Interrogation room. Fuller walks in and Lacey knows him because... Fuller used to be undercover in the porn industry. WHAT? Hold that thought. Fuller wants to know who got Lacey into the business because she was fourteen when she started. He'll cut her a deal on the drug charges. Lacey tips him off to a local modeling school which is used to recruit poor unsuspecting girls into the business. So instead of sending some detectives to the school to interview and look for clues, they send their troops undercover.

Scene: The Mall. There's a super hip fashion show happening. Where's Tiffany?

Revisiting David Cronenberg

I've just been to the strangest of places. Taking a walk through the caverns of the Baron Of Blood's grey matter isn't a task for the faint of heart. It's a horrific labyrinth of dripping walls and twisted psychological dead ends that keep you awake for hours wondering if you've really seen such things.

Systematically overlooked by the industry, David Cronenberg developed a hard-won reputation as one of the most outrageous but compelling directors working today but his success hasn't come without its detractors. His career has spanned over four decades and traverses such dangerous ground as "body horror" (if you aren't quite sure what that is. give it a look as you're sure to get a fright), the complexities of psychological unreality, and the terror of what might be considered by some to be unfilmable.

If you look over his body of work carefully, you see the progression and complexity of his films continue to escalate until you begin to wonder if the man who made The Brood is indeed the same director who helmed A History Of Violence and Eastern Promises. Because we are nothing if not thorough in our movie-watching habits, we embarked on a nonstop Cronenberg film festival to watch the slow-creeping progression from the very beginning.

The Brood

We started with the earliest movie we could get our hands on: The Brood, which I remember having nightmares about after watching it on a late night cable channel during my childhood. There's a psychologist, weird therapy methods, and a group of mutant children causing all kinds of crazy shenanigans. I had to pause and worry for a few minutes that I could use the movie's tag line for the life I'm currently living. But I digress. It's disturbing cautionary tale about the bizarre manifestation of rage and a resounding thud of disapproval for psychiatrists everywhere! Yay, therapy!

Revisiting The 21 Jump Street Pilot, Part Two

Last time on the 'Street, Hanson joins the Jump Street Team. Is a major tool. Screws things up. Kenny Weckerly is addicted to drugs and owes Tyrell money. Hanson goes undercover at their school and has a run in with Tyrell. Jenko smokes a lot of pot. Hoffs is a girl. Penhall is hot. Ioki is useless.

We arrive back at the Chapel at the end of the previous day's events, and Hanson marches in all huffy and wants to debrief. Ioki, Penhall, and Jenko don't hear him because they are too busy playing a game of homoerotic frisbee where they grab at each other more than throw the thing. Hanson almost has a temper tantrum so Jenko agrees, but he hates the word debrief. "It sounds so... Republican." Hey Hanson takes offense to that! He is a Republican!

Ioki hands over a pack of coke that he got the day before. Is he really supposed to hold on to this for so long? Is that how police work? I feel like I need a criminal justice consultant for these recaps. Hanson starts reading off a timelog of all the day's events. The rest of the gang suffer in agony. Until Penhall yells, "Get to the point!" like a... teenager.

Hanson reports on Tyrell, also called Waxer, who had tried to beat him up the day before. He also tells them that he also saw Kenny, who may owe Tyrell money. Ioki and Hanson will do a 24-hour stakeout on Kenny's house.

Stakeout. They are literally parked IN FRONT of Kenny's house with no other cars on the street. Not suspicious at all. Ioki tries to make bffs with Hanson by telling him that when he was an immigrant, and he learned English from Dragnet. He though a "stakeout" meant getting a guy a sirloin. Don't ask him what he thought "assume the position" meant! Hardy har! We also learn that Hanson's father was a great cop, and that he died in the line of duty. Suddenly Kenny leaves on his Vespa, and Hanson is probably relieved they get to follow him and not have to talk to Ioki. I mean, Hanson was probably wondering if Ioki immigrated legally. They scrunch down in their seats so Kenny doesn't see them. But not the whole way. They are the worst cops ever.

Revisiting Def Leppard's Hysteria

1987 was the greatest year in the history of music. There, I said it.

Check out Wikipedia. Look at the list. Appetite for Destruction. Sign O' The Times. Document. Kick. Faith. Pleased To Meet Me. In My Tribe. I could go on. Many of these albums are justly remembered as beloved classics. But for some reason, you don't hear much of what for me was the definitive album of that year and, frankly, that entire era of my life.

1987 was the year of Hysteria. And it fucking ruled.

Everything about Hysteria screamed awesome to me, from its Tron-meets-Altered States album cover to its pedigree as the follow-up to what could be best described as patient zero for the hair metal movement, Pyromania. The first single I heard, "Animal," had the guitar bite and the punchy chorus that my 17-year-old brain was hardwired to fall in love with, and within a month the plastic cassette case went from shiny and clear to opaque from overuse. It was in my car, in my Walkman, in my boom box... pretty much anywhere a late '80s kid could put it without rectal bleeding.

My recollections of that time--from my senior year in high school through freshman year in college—-don't exist without a soundtrack, and so much of Hysteria formed the backdrop of my most precious memories. Driving my '64 Buick Skylark down Riverside Ave. with my friends in the back, singing "Women." ("Skin on skin/let the love begin!") Trying to woo potential girlfriends with "Love Bites." Sitting in the cafeteria and debating the political meaning of "Gods Of War" with friends. The 24-hour loop MTV seemingly played of "Pour Some Sugar On Me." Seeing the band live at the Spokane Coliseum (with Tesla!) and, when the power unexpectedly went out, being treated to an acoustic version of "Rocket." Even lamenting that, sixteen months after it was released, they still hadn't put "Love And Affection" out as a single.

Revisiting The 21 Jump Street Pilot, Part One

As the world prepares for the upcoming 21 Jump Street movie, I thought I'd revisit the groundbreaking series that started it all. Sometimes watching something you loved in childhood can completely ruin the memory. I have a feeling it's still going to be awesome. So let's do this.

Fade in on a lovely middle class white family having dinner. It's all there: father in a suit and tie, the ditsy daughter, the good china. BLAMOW! Two young black guys bust in through the window dressed like extras from the Captain EO tour.

Mother screams in horror. Her real estate agent told her this was a safe neighborhood!