Spring Is In the Air, and Up Your Shorts

Don't you feel the warm, golden sunshine, and hear the twittering of birds while you're sniffing the first of the spring flowers? Yeah, me neither. So of course trying to survive the blustery cold weather is the perfect time to think about shorts!

Two hot trends for shorts right now are.... wait for it... leather and lace! (Damn it, Madonna, this is all your fault.) Now I'm sure in the secret mountaintop lair where fashion designers meet to sip Manhattans and discuss upcoming apparel as a takeover strategy (oh, you know they do it), shorts in unconventional fabrics sounded like a fabulous idea. "Oh dahling! It will be so chic! Leather will elevate the whole outfit! And the masses could certainly use some elevating! *titter titter*" It's not even as if I've never seen a pair of leather or lace shorts done well. (I just won't be grabbing a pair to chase my kid around in anytime soon.) But in the end it is always those few pieces that make even Fashion (capital F) look back and say, "What were we thinking?"

Leather running shorts. Can't you just see Richard Simmons wearing these for those dressier workouts?

Fashion Taking Flight... Right Out Of Its Head

Feathers have been on the rise in fashion, and with Fashion Week coming up (Fashion Week!), all rumors are pointing to the trend continuing. Now I love a good feathery accessory: a flapperesque hair band or a feathered fringe on a dress? SO CUTE! But I lean towards less is more when it comes to having Mr. Bluebird on my shoulder, or collar, or derriere. And since this column has never been about restraint, let's take a look at some birds in the bush!

First off is not just a little feather flirtation... we've got the whole bird. The rarely seen Brown Crested Waif in her natural habitat:



Red Bull gives you wings:



Feathers are great for figure-flattering a small chest! Whether you use them to add volume, detract with a jungle print (it's camouflage!), or by placing strategic wisps and then just not wearing a bra, you're sure to avoid A-cup cattiness.

Friends, '80s Style

Hi, I'm Heather and I'm considering committing a heinous act.

I've been thinking about it a lot lately and I think I want to introduce my 8-year-old daughter to the concept of friendship pins. Of course a comeback of friendship pins warrants a comeback of painted white canvas shoes like Keds, but my parents never bought Keds for me to deface. Wise, wise parents. The canvas shoes need to be the lace-up style, but you can't wear the laces, just in case you forgot the "rules."

When I think of the friendship pins my friends and I traded, I feel all warm and fuzzy. It was a sort of craft project that took seconds to make and could make someone happy just as quickly.

How could I not want to share the love with my daughter's generation? All you need are a few tiny beads and a few small safety pins. Fun and cost effective!

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Back To The Nikes

While there's no need to continue to prove how iconic a movie Back To The Future is, Nike has modeled their newest shoe after the DeLorean, which we all know is the car best suited for time travel. Now all they need to do is make those self-tying shoes from BTTF Part II and I'll be a happy, happy geek this Christmas.



Even the box they come in is cool:

Giving Thanks is All About Pie

I am thankful for the Internet.

Thanksgiving wouldn't be the same without pie, and people definitely like their pie. But they're not real original when it comes to proclaiming their love on, what else?, a t-shirt. It seems to go in one of two directions. Direction number 1... boring. Usually in the realm of, "I love pie." Snore. Direction number 2... well, it's direction number 2.



Ah, the mounding cream, the reference to S&M. It's all so holiday friendly. Of course, they had me at Devo.



Does it smell like cherry?

Did you notice the female theme so far? Yeah, me too. That's probably why this also showed up.



It's a "pumpkin pie filling" magnet. Right. (Side story! So I worked with this guy once who apparently loved the female girly bits. Just thought the hoo-ha was the most gorgeous thing in the world. He wanted to stare at the goods all day and was always trying to sneak artistic renderings of the cootchie cootchie coo into the house past his wife. I can guarantee this magnet would have been up on his fridge. Later he came out of the closet. Duh. Overcompensating much?)



Oh naughty beaver, there's this thing called subtlety. You should try it.

Here's one for the guys!



Um... Okay... maybe not something you should be advertising.

(Two guys walk out of the maternity ward...

OK, I'll stop now.)

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Love That '80s Name

Despite dire predictions last winter that '80s makeup was BACK(!), big bold peacock eyes and fuchsia lips never made it past the runway. Thank goodness. While we may have fond memories of our Caboodles cases stuffed with just the right blue eyeliner, I don't think anyone wants to go back to painting her eyes into architectural designs. (I personally can't keep my hands steady enough to do those lines anymore.) However, cosmetics companies seem to love the idea of '80s makeup... or rather they like "80s" in the name of their makeup.

(BTW, I made the image to the right on Taaz's fun makeover site, where you can even upload a photo of yourself to make over. The model looked perfectly normal before I started. When I tried it with my own photo I just looked like a whore.)

"I Love the 80s" eye shadow

"80s Pink" lipstick

"That's So 80s" lip balm

Flash Lash "80s Mod"

Except for those rocking eyelashes, none of these are nearly as bright or big as I remember. No matter how much today's fashion is trying its '80s nod, you just can't go back.

Especially when they had Lynda Carter. Wet!



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What Did You Wear?

Since the 80s are in, costumes of the 80s are in... most of the modern offerings seem to involve being a generic rock star, rock groupie, or rock parody. Although I certainly remember the fair share of (more specific) Madonnas, Michael Jacksons, and Axl Roses walking around my high school campus, I'm interested in those other 80s costumes. The ones you remember were popular but may be a little hard to find in the average costume catalog today. Such as...

Aerobics Instructor - I know most people think of Jane Fonda or Richard Simmons but when I think of 80s aerobics I always have a Running Man flashback. Seriously, what would be worse than working out and then Schwarzenegger busting through your door?



Miami Vice - What could be easier than throwing on some pastel suit combination?



Mork & Mindy - There was always that cutesy couple in Mork & Mindy costumes, holding hands, saying Na-Nu Na-Nu. Occasionally you would just see a lone Mork, rhymes with dork. Because Na-Nu just doesn't cut it without a hot girl attached.



Elvira - This one really worked best if you had the hooters for it. (I hated those girls.)



Mr. T - I don't recall Mr. T's skull being gray but whatever.


Rainbow Brite/Strawberry Shortcake/Pipi Longstocking - there seemed to be a plethora of characters that wore striped tights and had crazy hair in the 80s. All you had to do was find the tights and put on a short dress and you were good to go.



What kinds of costumes do you remember from the 80s?

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Big Stud... And Not That Hunky Guy In Your Math Class

Yeah, yeah, what goes around comes around and that goes double for fashion. But especially with '80s fashion: so big in its own right, you can't just repeat the same old, same old... You've got to modernize it. Say it with me, "Mod-er-nize!" Or failing that, let's make it bigger than ever!

*sigh*

I actually like a good stud (bad boy or accessory) but some things should be done in moderation.

Hmmm, which is worse, the crop circle theme or the metal nipples (mipples)?



You know what I was missing from my leggings? Skin divots.



Eve-Ah! (Wall-E caught sneaking around with a new compacter. An E! exclusive.)



I'm sorry, robot models in wind tunnels are just not an appealing ad campaign. Although I do trust I'll be able to deflect bullets with that jacket in the future war.



Never lose your Transformers schematics again.



And last but not least... country western gone BADASS!



Hold me.

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Hot Rubber Bracelet Action: Silly Bandz

Since I'm clearly out of touch with the youth of America, and I'm one of the Culture Brats without a kid, I'm just now learning about the latest in rubbery accessories - Silly Bandz!

I was out shopping and did a double-take because a little kid was wearing something that looked a lot like the jelly bracelets of yore. But it was oddly shaped. I did some digging: Silly Bandz come in shapes like animals, cowboy boots, whatever. So when you wear them, they're funky shaped bracelets. Here's the summer beach collection:

By the way, that particular set changes color in the light. Wicked.

And when you wear 'em, they look like this:


I guess you collect 'em and trade 'em and stuff. They're cheap - $5 for a 24 pack. And now I might have a new stupid obsession. And there's a JUSTIN BIEBER PACK COMING!!!!!!


Any Silly Bandz collectors out there? I'm seriously tempted to order some. Some that color change and/or glow in the dark are obviously the best, am I right? Though, ones based on Marvel characters don't need cheap gimmicks. Iron Man rules all on his own. FROM YOUR WRIST.

I wonder if slap bracelets will come back next? I loved those because I could slap the ever loving daylights out of my brother with 'em. Those were good ideas.

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Big Earrings Have Taken A Strange Turn

Every time I turn on the TV lately I've seen someone wearing '80s-style, big ol' plastic earrings. You know, those geometric shapes in bright colors, say a dangling hoop followed by a triangle, maybe a lightning bolt if you wanna get daring? Except way more huge than anything anyone actually wore IN the '80s. Yes, I've been seeing those earrings a lot, usually worn by the character who has a big personality but also has "issues".

So of course, I wanted to track down some of those extra sized puppies.

And I haven't found them! Frustrating! I found plenty of big stars and hearts, but nothing truly supersized. NOT the dangly hoop-triangle combo! Obviously Hollywood stylists aren't shopping at Claire's (snooty bitches)

However, I did find some interesting '80s-inspired pieces.

Why not take hoops to the next level... by adding floating dots. (It's like wearing The Pill... in your ears.)



Remember how chains were in? So tough! Like maybe you were in a gang. I think they've added an inch for every year since the '80s.



No gang member with any sense would get caught in a fight wearing these. Duh. (Personally, I don't think dance clubs would be much safer.)



Neon, of course. In... um... brass knuckles? (This probably has some deep significance from a vampire book or something.)



Finally, the tried and true '80s charms-dangling-from-chains theme. These, appropriately titled "Hot Mess", feature cleavers and severed legs!



When did jewelry get so violent?

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