Hellcats: "Don't Make Promises"

So there are a few story lines in this episode. There is the issue with the song the Hellcats are using for Nationals that is supposed to be exclusive but the Cyclones (Memphis Christians) are also using and it is from a band named Werewolves Vs. Unicorns. There is the Red and Vanessa unrequited love story. There is the issue of who is Charlotte the Harlot's baby father and there is Marti pushing Wanda to to tell her about her father.

Let's see if I can wrap this up in a neat little package.

The song needs to be exclusively used by either the Hellcats or the Cyclones so Alice goes to find the band and so does Nasty Cathy. Which ends up in them having a cheer off for the band. Only no one followed the rules and all the cheerleaders wore underwear, even Alice and because of that, the band fell asleep after they all got high to watch the cheer off. I'm kind of tired of all of these little competitions. But what I am not tired of is the sexy cheer time and this part of the episode was full of it. Except they all had underwear on. In the end both, squads tell the band to get off the high horse they rode in on, or in this case, the unicorn they road in on and neither use the annoying song.

Hellcats: "Fancy Dan"

Again with the awful episode title. "Fancy Dan?" Really. I was thinking more along the lines of "Annoying Bird Girl, Cold Feet And Desperation" because those seven words sum up the entire episode. Even though this episode starts out promising with some sexy bouncing booties, it is quickly derailed by Derrick getting deployed and in desperation convinces Vanessa to get married before he goes in three days. So you can imagine where the cold feet part comes in. But no they had to go and name this episode "Fancy Dan" because Dan The Man Patch comes back to town for his brother's wedding and he has to wear a tuxedo so of course he is "Fancy Dan" now.

Wanda, who by the way never seems to be drunk anymore, sees an opportunity to get Marti back in Dan's fancy pants by having her sing at his brother's wedding. Which of course Marti is all like "Oh yeah, Mom. That is so cool that you did that and man I can't wait to look like a desperate love lorn kitten and I have the perfect tight light blue dress that accentuates my ample bosom so nicely!" Or maybe Marti was thinking "Wanda, mind your own business!" But in the end, she does agree to perform a few Rolling Stones songs at the wedding. She tells Savannah all about it and Savannah decides she should go too and declares that they need to have a Dan Off. You know like the Cheer Off from a few weeks ago only now it's to see who can win the contest in Dan's fancy pants.

Hellcats: "God Must Have My Fortune Laid Away"

So, I guess I am just missing something here about God and cheerleading because I don't quite see the correlation. Probably because when I was a cheerleader, God never had a plan for me and well, my cheerleading days were kept to a minimum. Does it seem odd to anyone that this show blends so much religion in with things like sex and drugs and toga parties? Oh yes, we had the requisite college toga party thrown by the Hellcats on a whim because the life they know at Lancer could all come crashing down since Marti is on her way to setting up an elaborate scheme to save Travis The Wrongly Convicted Convict. But in the meantime, let's party like it's 1986 in togas, togas, togas!

Only this college toga party has a costume department, event lighting people, and professional entertainment. Not quite like the toga parties of my day where we did keg stands and the sheets were decidedly not all that white anymore and the lighting looked like it was purchased at Spencer's Gifts.

Marti along with Julian the law professor, her class partner Morgan, Vanessa and Red concoct a plan to get Jakey Poo to confess so as to keep Lancer football and the Hellcats alive and it fails. Jakey Poo does not go for the plan and is kind of okay with screwing everyone over in order to keep him self out of jail. I'm guessing he has something against showering in prison.

Hellcats: "Remember When"

Breath in and big exhale out. And now I am holding the bridge of my nose the way people do when they are really irritated and are trying to massage that irritation right out of their face. I feel like I'm beating a dead horse here. We know what we want from the Hellcats and it has nothing to do with a meaningful relationship and everything to do with a sexy one night stand. Once a week. Is that too much to ask for?

Apparently it is.

The best thing about this episode is that Wanda calls the police to come talk to Marti about the thugs that were chasing her down and when Marti refuses to talk to them, she asks her mother how she would react if Marti told her she had just killed someone and Wanda's response just makes me love her even more. "I would go out and buy some bleach." The only thing better is if she went and fired up the wood chipper in the back yard. Like my family would.

Just kidding.

Now here is where I would like to tickle your fancy with an elaborate description of scantily-clad boys and girls flying about each other, but I can't because this is Hellcats and on top of that, we don't even get a silly old dance and song routine in this episode. What we do get however is a minuscule moment of intrigue followed by a whole bunch of "Glory Days" and blah, blah, blah.

After Marti and Alice have a heated discussion about Jakey Poo's porn... I mean pharmacy robbery DVD that will save the world, Marti goes for a run and she runs like she has to poo. It's really not cute. At all. And then she calls Dan. Dan hangs up on her and right after that the thugs come and kidnap her, complete with a black hood over her head. Which commences the most boring episode ever which is aptly and boringly named "Remember When" and here I am again thinking, let me name the episodes first. Pretty please, because I would probably have named it something like, "Smells Like Team Spirit" or "Debbie Does Lance". The squad is "initiating" Marti, where she goes from being a Hell Kitten *shakes head* to a full on Hellcat. Mee. Oww. In their defense, I will say that the events leading up to Alice becoming a Hellcat are pretty funny. Her daddy flakes on Parents' Weekend and she goes on a drinking binge which lands her in the hospital with alcohol poisoning and what's supposed to be vomit all over her looks like Vaseline with confetti in it and she kind of looked really hot, in a pathetic, needy way. You know the types. Then Vanessa swoops in, having just become the new Hellcat coach and does a mighty fine job of recruiting Alice to join the squad. Speaking of Vanessa, her story about becoming the coach was also interesting because before this gig she was doing singing telegrams and I am pretty sure her next move was about to be up on a pole, but the Hellcats turned out to be her salvation. Phew, that was close.

While Marti is being initiated and forced to hold the "spirit stick," which looks like a shrunken cat head, Bill Marsh, Jakey Poo, and the sleazy furniture guy set a plan in motion to beat the crap out of Travis, the wrongly-convicted convict, to send a clear message to Marti. But Marti is facing the end of her initiation which culminates in what they call a "Suicide Drop" and this is where I would be like "You know what guys? Buh Bye!" But she does it and in one moment. I found myself cursing them all to blazes because DAMMIT! They hooked me back in with the suspense and I am such a pushover. Sigh.

Later, Marti, in anguish over what to do about this wrongly-convicted-convict-freeing golden ticket DVD, receives a phone call summoning her to the prison hospital where she and Savannah find Travis all banged up. Where he fires her. Which makes her spill the beans to Savannah and in turn they tell all of the Hellcats what's going on and as a team they band together and declare war on Lancer Football. So watch out. Life as we know it will cease to exist on the Lancer campus next week. Kind of just like the Mayans predictions for 2012.

In case you didn't notice. Not one bit of sexy cheer time at all.

My apologies for the quality of these episode stills. It seems that there really aren't any online that are worthy of posting for this episode so these are screen shots.

Hellcats: "Worried Baby Blues"

Warning: This episode is jumpy. It was all over the place and packed tighter with story lines than a sausage link. So you will have to forgive me if I too am all over the place, just like Alice's naughty girl bits.

Moving on.

Those cheeky little Hellcats are at it again. Scampering around in extremely little sexy outfits trying to raise money for the squad. This time it's a calendar shoot with each and every one of our beloved little trollops either in a corseted get-up, sexy Santa outfit, or a slutty Supreme Court Justice robe. And yes, somehow Marti manages to make a Supreme Court Justice robe sexy, because she is Marti and she will save the world.

There was a little side story filler with Vanessa and Derrick and how she is getting cold feet and yadda, yadda, yadda. She ends up dancing with Red Raymond (ex-boyfriend) then kissing him as if he were a perfectly cooked steak and then crying about it afterwords because... well I'm not sure why but it probably had something to do with the fact the she is ENGAGED to Derrick.

Savannah gives her pregnant sister Charlotte The Harlot some prenatal vitamins and the What To Expect When You're Expecting book and Charlotte is all like "Dude, I can't keep these here. What if Mom finds out and couldn't you have gotten me something good like a shot or five of bourbon?" So Savannah takes them back with her to the bar where Wanda, who is planning the calendar launch party, finds the book, and by finds I mean she snoops through Savannah's bag and pulls it out and then squeezes the truth out of Savannah about who is pregnant. Savannah makes Wanda promise to keep it a secret and to that I say "FAT CHANCE".

Hellcats: "Papa, Oh Papa"

I want to be the person who names the episodes of Hellcats because "Papa, Oh Papa" reminds me of some post-apocalyptic movie of doom and gloom and not of a CW TV show about a university cheerleading squad. This episode should be named something like "Daddy Issues?" or "Watch This, Daddy."

When I last left the Hellcats, way back in December of 2010, I was on the verge of breaking up with them. My sexy cheer time was about to be kicked out the door because I really prefer when there is more sexy cheer time and less whimpering Marti in the back of the bus and while we do pick up with last week's horribly-named episode with Marti still being the social pariah because she "hooked up" with Dan, I do think this episode redeems itself mainly because it ends with exactly why we watch. Say it with me, "Sexy. Cheer. Time!"

The Hellcats are on their way to Nationals which means that Marti has put saving the world and its wrongly convicted convicts on hold. She leaves her guitar with her law school partner, Morgan, who in turn leaves it with Marti's mom, Wanda, in hopes of getting lucky with some goth chick who has "daddy issues." Wanda, in turn, goes to see Travis The (Wrongly Convicted) Convict and hops up on the table in the visiting room, licks her lips, takes a bite out of him and the oatmeal cookies she stole from work, and snarls about "getting her some conjugal visits". Actually I am paraphrasing there so it shouldn't be in quotes or maybe that never really happened but you get the point. Wanda wants some sexy prison time.

So back at Nationals it's all ice cold shoulders and backstabbing. Everyone has turned against Marti. Alice wants to fly around Lewis "Does this look crooked?" Flynn's face to keep her Daddy happy, since he showed up unannounced to see his little girl perform and he thinks that Alice and Lewis are still dating and that Alice is still the "head flyer" and Alice does not want to disappoint her Daddy. (They really need me to name the episodes.) Alice bribes a squad member, Frankie, with a leather jacket to help turn the rest of the squad against her and it works. Catty little bitches. Boys included. However, when Vanessa learns what happened she and Marti decide a "Cheer Off" is required. Yep, just like the Zoolander "Walk-off" but in cheerleading skirts with more pouty faces. Alice loses in a big way and Marti resumes her spot on the squad as one of the main flyers. I have to say I much prefer Marti "The Tough Girl" over Marti "The I Am So Sorry I Messed Up Girl". Much hotter.

Alice, who is not done trying to show her Daddy that she is worthy, decides to blackmail Savannah because she helped the rival team, Memphis Christian, get to Nationals. So instead of Savannah just saying "Dude, my sister is pregnant. I couldn't let her fly," Savannah pretends to have a hurt ankle and asks Alice to cover for her. Alice graciously accepts. Marti, unable to deal with the fact that her "best girl friend" won't even look at her, corners her in her hotel room where she can't run away and confesses her love and then they have a pillow fight. Only they are NOT in teddies and it is not in slow motion and there are no downy feathers floating through the air. However, in the end they do make up, shake hands and Marti gives Savannah her spot as flyer as a gesture of friendship in a totally platonic non-lesbian way.

And as the show winds down the Hellcats turn up the charm and lure me back in with a final dose of... SEXY CHEER TIME! Finally. They end this episode having won the competition with a score of 98.6. Alice's father doesn't even show up until they are done and leaving and she basically tells her Daddy to kiss her cute little hiney.

Fin.

Until tomorrow's recap of last nights new episode. Stay tuned!

Hellcats: "Think Twice Before You Go"

This episode was loaded and I am not just referring to Savannah being loaded and almost getting date raped, but that is something that totally almost happened three-quarters of the way through. Way to take a good ole barbecue hoedown and turn it into an after school drama! Right in the middle of everything going according to plan. The Hellcats all go to a barbecue festival to blow off the oodles of steam that has been accumulating all week and to paraphrase Alice as she grinds her way off screen... the Hellcats show them how to thrown down at a hoedown. Savannah wins the dance contest and gives Marti the five hundred dollar cash prize (cue ominous music... dun, dun, dunnnnnn!) and nabs the attention of the emcee of the dance contest. (cue ominous music again) But before she goes and gets all drunk and slutty, she says a good night to her pregnant sister who mentions she's not feeling well. (cue ominous music one more time and probably not the last)

Flash back to the beginning of the episode and Marti tells Dan that she is really, really, really and I mean really not interested in him. So he gets up and walks away and then Marti calls after him twice but apparently Dan has stuffed a bunch of cotton balls in his ears because he just walks farther and farther away until the scene changes. Savannah is still all bent out of shape that Dan dumped her and is trying to focus mainly on nationals that are coming up in like two days while Marti is trying to forget how bothered she is that Dan actually did walk away when she told him to. Boys... pfft!

Alice's football star boyfriend Jakey could get drafted if only Bill Marsh, head of the athletic department, would agree. But Bill needs Jakey and then shows Jakey some kind of home porn movie the two of them made together. Actually I made the porn part of it up, but with the way Bill keeps calling him Jakey, it's really the only thing I could come up with that would make sense on the DVD because Jakey dates Alice and what could be more humiliating that a girlfriend who's lady bits have been flashed all around the campus, Internet, and his face?

As part of the Hellcats' punishment for being cheerleaders in general, they have to go hand out tickets to all of the athletic departments major sponsors for some kind of event I think they called a booster, but only the female Hellcats get to go so yeah I think they probably get a bunch of dollahs stuffed in their cheer skirts at these events. What does this have to do with anything? Well, I forgot to mention that sometime ago Marti and her law class partner both got their laptops stolen after digging for dirt on the case of the wrongly convicted convict she is trying to free and it just so happens that Marti is assigned to bump and grind at the furniture store owned by the guy she thinks stole the laptops. And in fact he did steal her classmate's laptop that Marti found but was also discovered by the owner as she escaped out of window with it.

Flash forward, back to the hoedown: Alice is confronted by Nasty Cathy from the rival Christian cheer squad and passes on information that Alice could use to take down Savannah. Marti realizes Savannah is missing. Savannah is about to get date raped in the emcee's car. But here she comes to save the day, Marti Mouse is on the way. Yes Marti, frantically bangs on the guy's window to convince him to roll it down and maces him, which for the life of me I can't figure out where the hell she had that mace tucked away in her little outfit. Savannah escapes the clutches of the evil emcee but gets all down on herself about how messed up she is. Dan left her, she almost gets date raped... blah blah blah. This makes Marti go off and tell her that Dan has the hots for her and that's why he dumped her, which I thought wasn't the most comforting approach, through tears of regret of course and in front of the entire cheer squad. Including Lewis "Does this look crooked?" Flynn who agrees with Marti that yes she made mistake with Dan and so did he make a mistake with her. *OH SNAP*

And just like that everything has changed. Dan, gone. Marti, alone. Savannah, pissed off. Alice, scheming. Well Alice is always scheming, so some things stayed the same.

The Hellcats set off to go to nationals, however we won't find out what happens until next year as the show is taking breather until January 2011! It's going to be a cold hard winter with out our sexy cheer time.

Hellcats: "Pledging My Love"

This episode almost did it. I almost quit Hellcats. You have to expect that when the opening dance sequence is, well, a dance sequence that you think might just be pushing the envelope of acceptable television especially if you're not watching Glee. And if you are pushing my envelope, you've probably goon too far. Lets face it, my standards are pretty low. THANK GOD, it was only a nightmare for Marti. By the way, I'd be pissed if I was Aly Michalka and they took my character and made her irritating all the while making Heather Hemmen's Alice Verdura way more appealing. Doesn't verdura mean vegetable or something in Italian? The major focus of this episode is Alice's sweet peas, I mean cantaloupes, oh wait that's a fruit. Maybe I'll just call it her sexy vegetable dip. You see, as well as everyone else on the Lancer campus sees, Alice took pictures of her crudités and sent them to Jakey and somehow someone got ahold of all of the raw naked veggies and sent them out to every one's email. Anyone else hungry?

Moving on to the snoozefest that is Vanessa and her problems with her boyfriend Derrick. *YAWN* I think using the term "waking up on the wrong side of the bed" doesn't quite describe the "good morning honey, you suck at being my boyfriend, I don't care if you are making tons of money at this new job you don't pay enough attention to meeeeee anymore" attitude she wakes up with. As her reward for acting out like Joan Crawford, Derrick proposes to her with a dance routine. Another dance routine. After she accepts and much celebration, they go to bed and Vanessa is startled awake after having a sex dream about Red Raymond.

Who wrote this episode? It's like a mash up of a Broadway musical and a Vivid Entertainment production. Less Broadway, more Vivid please.

At the ass crack of dawn Dan "The Man" Patch knocks on Savannah's door. I guess we are supposed to understand that Dan's been up all night wringing his hands deep in thought over his new found emotional dilemma of being in like with Savannah and having a huge... um "crush on" for Marti. With little more explanation than "It's not you, it's me," Dan dumps Savannah. Savannah slaps him and gives him the boot. Buh bye. Savannah really needs to stop ending episodes with her face all contorted.

Then there is that other annoying side plot of Marti and the Convict. Marti gets kicked off the project. The convict fires his lawyer, Julian, the law teacher. Marti quits Julian's class saying that he's a sell out. Julian signs the papers releasing her but apparently Marti's tirade about him being a sell out has touched a nerve. Julian takes her back on the project and in the class and then they exchange sexual favors. Just kidding. Marti gives Julian a big hug making Julian very, very uncomfortable. It's not clear if he is uncomfortable about the pants area, but uncomfortable never the less.

Back to our little broccoli floret Alice, who exacts revenge on Damian, the football player who shared her crudités photos with the entire campus when she finds out that he is gay. *GASP* After a not so well thought-out plan, she decides she is going to out him but after a harsh scolding from Red and Vanessa, she decides it would be better if she just blackmails the guy for the next year by making him take classes in privacy issues and how not to win friends. Or something like that. Dear Damian, in the immortal words of Homer Simpson, don't you know that you don't win friends with salad?

Hellcats: "Finish What We Started"

When we last left the Hellcats, Savannah's hopes and dreams of a magical deflowering were completely crushed. Crushed by her naivete. Marti told her Dan Patch was a player but what she didn't tell her was that Dan had been playing in Marti's secret garden accidentally trying to grow little Patches and then skipping town and never talking to Marti ever again. Well, for at least six months anyway. Savannah basically turned the dirt over in Marti's garden in front of the entire squad, including Lewis "Does this look crooked?" Flynn, who apparently is afraid to do any weeding now and they all leave Marti alone with only one friend, Dan The Man Patch and Alice who admits to feeling "kind of" sorry for her. I'm really beginning to like Alice. She's just a big old slut, what you see is what you get and she gives it out freely. Only thing is since Alice stole that magazine article away from the Lancer football team, Bill Marsh, the crooked head of the athletic department essentially shuts down all cheer activities and blah, blah, blah. This whole part of the show could die for all I care. I'm watching this show for all the hot cheer girls and boys. I'm not watching it to see Evil Bill Marsh bribe people to play football. What high school jock is going to turn down a chance to play collegiate football if he doesn't get hush money?

Speaking of hot cheering girls and boys, we got a bit of it at the beginning and then the only cheering after that was the christian academy cheer squad *yawn* that Savannah's slutty and pregnant (sound the sirens a christian girl lost her virginity and got pregnant whoop whoop whoop) sister cheers for. Savannah saves the day, fearing for the safety of the newly conceived cheerbaby and helps her sisters squad get the sponsorship they need for nationals. And then Savannah lies to her mother and realizes that there really is a time and a place for lying and sometimes we don't always need to know the truth, especially if that truth is knowing your best friend and your boyfriend did it in the back of a Buick, which by the way is exactly where Dan Patch and Marti just happen to be, discussing the scene of the original sex crime while Marti is on a stakeout trying to gather evidence to help with that wrongly accused musical convict she is going to free by the end of the season. Forgot about that, didn't you? Well, the writers didn't.

You know what they say, if the Buick's a rockin'... well they don't actually rock anything, but it does get a little steamy in the Buick but it's short lived and in the end Marti tells Dan it's all a mistake, it was then and it is now and that's that and then they started singing "Why Can't We Be Friends" by War. Not really I just made that up, but I think that would be really funny. Or stupid.

Lewis "Does this look crooked?" Flynn apologizes to Marti for not having her back. Savannah forgives Marti for not telling her the entire truth about her and Dan. Lewis "Does this look crooked?" Flynn goes and gets Dan Patch so that he and Savannah can "patch" things up. Then they all get together and have group sex.

Ha, no they don't but they do share a group hug, all four of them with Marti and Dan giving each other the "I'm In Love With You Still Stink Eye".

The camera pulls away as the music comes up.

Hellcats: "Back Of A Car"

Is it hot in here or is just me? *Fans Self* Let me start out with a few of the more *ahem* memorable quotes from this episode.

"We'll go have nasty acrobatic sex in positions that you can't even draw" -Alice

"Ah pretty much anyone can draw stick figures, so..." -Dan Patch

"Oh Jakey, I always want to remember you like this, when you still had your testicles." -Alice

"Okay listen, Bill Marsh is a sanitary napkin in a suit I get that." -Jake

"I'm chopping down the cherry tree." -Savannah

So, what do you think this episode was all about? Sex, sex, sex, and no sex. And the '80s. This episode was made for The Culture Brats. I think, at least the '80s part right? We are celebrating the 25th anniversary of the conception, I mean inception of The Hellcats at Lancer so of course we are having an '80s-themed party for spirit week. GOOO Helllcats! Listen, I know I'm not really a Hellcat but it's spirit week damn it, so I will refer to them as we. I have to say the party sequence where Coach Vanessa sings and dances while dressed up as Tina Turner was way less uncomfortable when she did the awkward little dance back in the "Ragged Old Flag" episode. I found myself reliving my high school days when I really dressed up like Madonna and went to school and got ridiculed by the softball team, *swigs wine*.

Um, where was I? Oh right, the party. You know it wouldn't be a party if someone didn't get drunk and throw a wrench in the spokes and that someone would be Wanda, Marti's mom who has a penchant for inappropriate behavior. See, Savannah has her night of deflowering all planned out for after the party. I think she must have spent about a thousand smackeroos to woo Dan into her web, only to have Wanda mention that Marti is in love with Dan Love, love, love I say! Which now has Dan second-guessing his little brain.

The other side story here is that I now have a girl crush on Alice. I know this is silly but seriously that woman really does have balls. She commandeers a glossy magazine article that was supposed to be about the Lancer Football team and gives them a better, juicier and all together steamy story. I am pretty sure that Alice is going to sleep with the journalist, I just can't seem to remember her name.

Marti and Dan share a highly tense and awkward moment as Dan asks her if he is making a mistake with Savannah. Marti is all like "Nope, my lips are sealed." Well she might have said something like "I have nothing to say, blah blah, something, something, have you seen Lewis 'Does this crooked' Flynn?"

Oh yes, yes, YES. The climactic ahhending. Savannah, through a series of events (and by events I mean two conversations she had, one with Marti and one with Dan) discovers that, and oh my god can you even guess what is about to be revealed? Marti and Dan chopped down each other's cherry tree. In the back of a Buick. In the middle of nowhere. And it was good for what it was. Which turns Savannah inside out and thrusts her out of the hotel room in slow motion, barefoot with her face all twisted with emotion as she leaves Dan in the bathroom trying to figure out how to get the damn condom wrapper open.

And that is somewhat more exciting then most people's first attempt at chopping down the old cherry tree.