We Are All Lindsay Lohan

Last night was the much anticipated premiere of Liz & Dick, the biopic of Elizabeth Taylor and... one of her husbands. It doesn't matter, because all eyes were on Lindsay, and not in a good way. Early word was that the film is dreadful, and so is Lindsay's performance. You all know that I love Lindsay and just want the best for her. Was she really that bad? Seriously, this is a Lifetime made-for-TV movie. Let's be realistic with our expectations. Vulture, my go-to site for reviews, already pegged it as horrible and not in a good way:

The contrarian in me would love to tell you that Liz & Dick is not that bad – that it has redeeming qualities, or that it's a parody of mediocre TV biopics. Alas, no: it's just bad-bad. Specifically, it's retro-bad – a compact yet still lumbering TV biopic that, back in the day, might have starred Kate Jackson and Richard Chamberlain and been filmed on whatever Dynasty sets were available that month.

Let's all realize that it's a Lifetime movie! Of course she is going to ham it up! Let's blame the awful screenwriter, not Lindsay!

I fear that Lindsay will never be given a chance. She tries to do satire like Machete, she doesn't catch a break. She does something sublime and meta like The Canyons, people are already predicting failure. Here she is doing something that is a snarky hipster's dream, something that can become a cult classic, and she's being panned.

I think that everyone wanted it to be bad because we could get some clever live tweets about it. It's not about her, it's about who can be the most clever. Here are some highlights from Twitter. Although clever, my heart dies a little bit every time I laugh. Here are some of the best from my timeline:

Bret Easton Ellis: Famed Novelist, Screenwriter, And Nasty Tweeter

Ever since I heard The Canyons was going to be made, I have been out of my skin excited. The idea is pure Bret Easton Ellis, the casting is both genius and ironic, and now it seems the filmmakers are creating a meta-awareness of making a movie about Hollywood. Originally billed to be a dark drama, this current trailer goes the way of a pulp story.

I first read American Psycho in 1998 when I was still in college, and it blew my mind. I was a women's studies major, so I was conflicted with my obsession over this novel. One of the most violent, misogynist, graphic novels ever suddenly made me fall in love with literature. The author, Bret Easton Ellis, became a literary sensation at age twenty-one with the nihilist, depressing Less Than Zero, which established him as the author with the monopoly on writing about the empty, self-loathing of the incredibly wealthy and good-looking. I quickly devoured his four other novels, chastising myself that it took so long for me to discover my literary god.

However, after his 1998 novel Glamorama, there was a stretch of seven years before his next novel, Lunar Park, was published. The late nineties was still at the beginning of the internet, so not much was known about Ellis, and I always wondered how such a person could have such a sick, twisted, but brilliant mind. I mean, if you couldn't find anyone on the internet, they may as well been a recluse.

Fast forward fifteen years and the rise of Twitter, which Ellis seemed to latch onto and has never looked back. His tweets are equal parts bitchy, honest, controversial, intellectual, and sardonic. For a while, he was incessantly tweeting about his desire to adapt the most famous mommy-porn book in the world, Fifty Shades Of Grey, and shared his stream of consciousness and most recently, expressed his annoyance at the selection of writer Kelly Marcel to adapt the screenplay:

Let's Leave Amanda Bynes Alone, Shall We?

Amanda Bynes has not had it good for the past few months: repeated DUIs, drug use, suspected mental problems; in other words, a story that makes the trashy media go insane. A former child actress, "it" girl, and young woman making stupid mistakes that threaten to ruin her promising career. Sound like someone else you know? Hey everyone, let's let what happened to Lindsay Lohan be a lesson to us all.

Listen, I'm not saying that Lindsay (or Amanda) should not be responsible for their actions. But let's face it: Amanda Bynes is dealing with some addiction and behavioral issues, and the constant cycle of media circus is not going to help her get better. Lindsay was obviously struggling from fame at an early age, and the drug problems were a source of that. But when she tried to do anything about it, the media was all over it. Tried to go to rehab? She was shamed for it. Tried to hang out with friends? She was shamed for it. I'd also venture to say that the constant public scrutiny contributed to her addiction issues. She couldn't win. The masses love a story of a damaged person on a downward spiral more than supporting someone getting help.

Here's to hoping that Amanda Bynes gets some help and support. Not only because she is a human who deserves help, but also because she is an incredibly promising comedic actress. I'm not embarrassed to admit that I thought she made She's The Man much less worse than it could have been. She especially shined in 2007's movie version of the musical Hairspray, and the Penny Pingleton role was perfect for her. If she can get herself together, I think she can make it on pure talent and possibly even find herself on Saturday Night Live or a similar gig that shows off her talents in physical comedy.



Not to mention the double standard: right now, Prince Henry is in the tabloids for being a "hard partier" and the general sentiment is that "boys will be boys" and it's laughed off as a stage, whereas we salivate at any sort of shaming we can do of Amanda Bynes and other young women dealing with substance abuse.

Here's hoping that the media will lay off and let her find the help she needs. Amanda, I have faith in you!

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The Canyons is Already My Favorite Movie Of All Time

Sometimes I feel like films are made to satisfy the mindless drones of America, who will ingest anything based on a child's toy or breakfast cereal. Once in awhile, a film is produced that seems to be custom made for me. And that film is The Canyons.

Firstly, it is written by Bret Easton Ellis, the '80s Wunderkind who introduced the world to making literature out of the lives of emotionally empty, morally corrupt, disgustingly rich youth with the novels Less Than Zero and American Psycho. Ellis's work is not for the weak of soul or the weak of stomach, but it is brilliant and oft imitated, although not successfully. His later novels have not garnered the same critical success, but Ellis has taken his gift of the word to Twitter, where he shares many of his unpopular opinions and blunt critique of today's culture. He's like a bitchy version of This American Life.

Many have tried to adapt Ellis's novels into films, but it is a nearly impossible feat. (Rules Of Attraction was the most accurate adaptation but completely underrated and misunderstood.) For The Canyons, Ellis is writing the screenplay; this is his first. Instead of going the route of a major studio, he and director Paul Schrader have jumped on the Kickstarter bandwagon to raise funds. According to the Kickstarter, the film "documents five twenty-something's quest for power, love, sex and success in 2012 Hollywood." Sounds like the perfect job for Bret Easton Ellis.

And in one of the most exciting Hollywood casting announcements, he tweeted that Linsday Lohan and James Deen have been cast as two of the leads. To me, this was like Christmas, Hannukah, my birthday, and Labor Day all in one for me.

First of all, I have made it my life's work to defend Lindsay Lohan. I am about two DUIs away from making a YouTube video where I scream "Leave Lindsay alone!" Seriously, don't people realize that she has such a troubled life because the public keeps crapping all over her? She can't win. If she puts herself in rehab, there's scorn. Her every move is criticized, not to mention that her horrible excuses of human beings, her parents, have been exploiting her fame and using her as a pawn in their own pursuits. I know Lindsay has talent; we all loved Mean Girls. She just needs the right role, the right part, and she'll have an indie comeback bigger than Travolta in Pulp Fiction. This role is perfect for her. She's LIVED it. And Ellis wrote the role with her in mind. This is it, guys. You're about to take back all the Lindsay hate.