First Look: Cosmopolis Is Here!

Oh yeah, baby.

Remember when I told you with deep sincerity that you needed to have one eye trained on the work of one David Cronenberg? Yeah, well the warning sirens just sounded and the trailer for his much anticipated Cosmopolis saw the light of day this week.

I thought for sure it would be months until we saw some sort of official teaser for this movie but in a divinely perverse twist, we got what we wanted before we even knew to ask for it. In what is perhaps the most brilliantly bizarre match up since cottage cheese met pinapple, the unlikely pairing of Robert Pattinson and Cronenberg appears to promise great things.

Frankly, all of you people need to strip yourselves of whatever expectations you might have for this film and just go on this sex and violence fueled romp across town in the limo without the baggage you usually carry into the theater. If you can just let go and trust David, it looks like you are in for one hell of a ride.

Here's the NSFW teaser trailer:

Don't Fear The Limey

There's something in the air, do you smell it? It's the heady aroma of luck, talent, timing, and excellent choices combining to create a mix of pure undiluted unstoppable star power. If the rumors are to be believed then you may be about to witness the birth of a legend.

What, you may ask yourself, am I going on about?

Do you remember when I gave out unsolicited advice to perpetually pained vampire juggernaut Robert Pattinson?

Yes, well how long did you think it would take him to scoop up these nuggets of career wisdom and run with them?

Thank you Dufmanno! Stellar advice.

Apparently it didn't take long at all now did it?


Yes, I know that most people visibly cringed upon hearing the news that Pattinson had been cast as the seminal, disengaged, limo riding billionaire  business man Eric Packer  from Don DeLillo's cold jarring masterpiece Cosmopolis.

Get in the limo.

But think about the combination of factors here.

You have an ice cold satire that takes place mostly in the claustrophobic confines of one stretch limo journey across town, helmed by the Barron of Blood, David Cronenberg.

Never has being stuck in crosstown traffic ever given birth to a series of situations so dire and I think this guy is at the perfect stage to portray that.

This is the same bloke who had to implore millions of teen aged girls, who wept openly in protest of his casting in the Twilight series as their hopes of a more generic Edward were dashed onto the jagged rocks of the Pacific northwest coastline, to just "give him a chance."

Never has a guy with this much clout had to beg for so much forgiveness.

Still think he's not a contender?

Witness his first perfectly chosen transitional role outside the Meyers universe to see exactly how crazy like a fox he actually is. Someone who is methodically and carefully cultivating his career made sure that all the love-starved romantics who will easily be pulled from the barely restrained lust and heaving that made Twilight such a sensation move beautifully into the theater seats so they can sit watching Water For Elephants over and over and over.

This is where he either succumbs to the dreaded "Mark Hamil Syndrome" or goes supernova, a phenomenon you don't see too often outside the Depps, DiCaprios, or Pitts.

So heed my words, barring any unforeseen glitches, I think this guy is moving to the big leagues.

You can stop shaking your head and laughing at me now, Chag.

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Robert Pattinson, We Need to Talk

Stop glowering at me like
that. You are making it hard
to concentrate.

I recently wrote a scathing, no-holds-barred exposé of my inability to resist the frothy vampire teen romance novel Twilight and all of its pitfalls. Along with the shame of exposing myself and my continued downward spiral, I am now ten dollars poorer and four rungs lower on the respect ladder that I'd been trying to ascend.

Yes, a thousand dead literature professors rolled collectively in their graves and my Classics teacher is probably having chest pains but whatever. But let's forget all that for a moment and focus instead on grabbing onto the career trajectory of one meteoric star that emerged from all this hoopla.

Robert Pattinson, I need to speak to you about this crossroads you stand at. You see, I like to sometimes intervene on behalf of celebrities whose shiny veneer has faded with time and are behaving badly. YOU are at the pinnacle of your fame and fortune and therefore much too conspicuous to merit a visit or phone call from me personally. That, and you would probably see fit to summon a constable and have me arrested but I digress....

Here's the problem.

I'm seeing a pattern.

Do you know what that means? No? Well, let me tell you.

You've got a basic something, there is no denying that. Raw animal magnetism paired with sex appeal and a scruffy, unwashed, yet not hipster douchebag, likability. That, and you are English. Never underestimate how much undeserved clout an accent commands in Hollywood.

Your slightly more menacing take on Edward during the first Twilight film was admirable and your kissing skills are clearly enough to make a million pairs of underwear hit the floor simultaneously, but we are looking for something more. That something is longevity.

I like to draw a warm and well intentioned comparison to Brad Pitt who I feel evoked similar thoughts with his first big scene in Thelma & Louise. The similarities don't end there. He managed to get himself cast in a popular vampire flick based on an equally beloved book series when he kicked off into uncharted territory. But then Brad saw the handwriting on the wall and pulled an about face. Fight Club with Fincher, 12 Monkeys with Gilliam, etc. Yes, he also did tripe like Legends of the Fall and Seven Years in Tibet, but the point is he mixed it up and his pretty boy image was replaced by that of a guy with chops who wasn't afraid to get dirty, scruffy, and insane.

So here is my advice to you: pull a Brando.

Gain a hundred pounds, keep the full face of mountain man growth you've been sporting, become an eccentric recluse, and buy a whole island near Tahiti. Work with a Danny Boyle, a Fincher, a Scorsese, or a Christopher Nolan. Hell even a Guy Ritchie on a gritty, violent, crime-ridden tale of underworld scum.

Stir the pot.

Play against type.

Gain a reputation for bizarre method acting shenanigans where you spend four weeks in a cave "prepping" for a role with only a family of chimps and Jane Goodall for company.

The line between the fantastic and the mundane is murky and hard to see young fella, so grab your apple and make the most of this insanity while you hold the reigns.

Years from now when you are sitting on your sprawling wraparound porch, you will make a mental note to thank me for taking you gently by the hand and showing you the opposing fates wrestling to overwhelm your future. So, YOU'RE WELCOME and choose wisely, young Padawan.

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