SmackTalk Victim: The Darkness, "Christmas Time (Don't Let The Bells End)"

Hello and welcome to SmackTalk, where each week we attack mock critique a music video or movie trailer. This week, we're taking a look at the most awesome video for "Christmas Time (Don't Let The Bells End)." Hope ya love it!

Daddy Geek Boy: Anyone else expecting a few bats to fly through this shot?

Jenny On the Spot: Nice pants.

Dufmanno: I am already in love with this.

Didactic Pirate: My grandma gave me pair of white and gold striped pants just like those last Christmas. I wear them all the time.

Chag: This looks like my family's Christmas card.

Jenny On the Spot: Nice… vest?

Dufmanno: SWEATER VEST!

Chag: A double-necked guitar? Someone was a good boy this year!

Daddy Geek Boy: Aw man, I wanted the one with three frets!

Dufmanno: Are those tears streaming down his face or has his sparkle eyeshadow started to run?

Didactic Pirate: This would be glamtastic even without the glitter under the eyes.

Jenny On the Spot: That's weird. That would freak me out if one of my ornaments did that.

Dufmanno: He misses that lady in the ball. I think.

Chag: The holidays always bring friends closer together.

Daddy Geek Boy: Whatever you boys need to do to keep warm. I just don’t know how he's going to explain this to the girl in the ball.

A Vapid Blonde: There is the cabin. In the Woods. And dueling guitars. It's like the creepy version of Deliverance.

Chag: Wait. I thought Deliverance WAS the creepy version of Deliveranace.

Jenny On the Spot: Not hot.

Daddy Geek Boy: Just what is he doing under that sack?

Didactic Pirate: Someone gets a thong, and someone else gets a robot. Weirdest Secret Santa ever.

Chag: I hope I get a gun that shoots laser tampons for Christmas.

Daddy Geek Boy: Maybe it's the geek in me, but I’d be way more excited about getting robots and laser guns than these guys.

Dufmanno: When robots appear, things start to go downhill.

Didactic Pirate: Gah! Singing robot climbing on shoulder! Get it off! Off! Off!

Jenny On the Spot: That outfit? Made out of wrong.

Dufmanno: Wow. White lace up side leather pants. I’ve not seen a pair of those in A WHILE . They are still unappealing.

Daddy Geek Boy: If I were those kids' parents, I would not let them carol at the Darkness house.

Didactic Pirate: Part of me thinks this freakin' rocks, while another part of me wants to call Child Protective Services.

Jenny On the Spot: My 8 y.o. is watching with me. She asked, "Is that a boy?" and my 5 y.o. says, "he looks like a girl."

Didactic Pirate: Remember Flash Gordon? If I close my eyes, I'd swear this is the music playing when Flash battled the Hawkmen.

Jenny On the Spot: 11 y.o. son says, "Did they TRY to make him look like a girl?" 5 y.o. daughter added, "And he SINGS like a girl."

Dufmanno: He likes kids. This and the Christmas sweater he’s wearing takes him up a notch in my book.

Daddy Geek Boy: NO KIDS, DO NOT GO IN THERE!

Daddy Geek Boy: The girl’s been in the car by herself, out in the cold this whole time?

Didactic Pirate: And to all a good--- wait! It wasn't over! UFO! Sweet!

Dufmanno: Why? It didn't need the spaceship.

SmackTalk Victim: Ke$ha, "We R Who We R"

Hello and welcome to SmackTalk, where each week we attack mock critique a music video or movie trailer. This week, we're taking a look at the video for Ke$ha's "We R Who We R." Hope ya love it!



Didactic Pirate: I feel like the message of every Ke$ha song is: "Screw you, Mom. Like, when I'm 18? I'm like, soooooo getting my own apartment."



Daddy Geek Boy: I want to comment on this video, but I can't get past her '80s style bedazzled eyebrows. They're freaking me out!

Chag: This is like Mad Max meets Xanadu. Which sounds a lot hotter in my head than what I'm seeing.



Dufmanno: Her glass shard ensemble looks like what would have happened if she were wearing a mirror and I punched her in the gut.

Chag: Someone tell her neck-uh-lace only has two syllables.

Dufmanno: I had the same issue with the pronunciation of neck-UH-lace. Except I went for help with this terrible problem and was cured of my need to massacre innocent words

A Vapid Blonde: Uh that neck-uh-lace, lace laz is an earring ring, ring!

Dufmanno: Is SEXYFIED even real word?

Dufmanno: Because this video is so bad, my mind has begun to wander and I've got to tell you this tunnel looks like the same one that the Terminator chased Kyle Reese and Sarah Connor through at the end of the movie. Now THAT movie was great. This? Not so much.



Dufmanno: She is wearing metallic Chicklets glued to her nails? There's just so much wrong that the neural pathways in my head are starting to short circuit.

The Weirdgirl: With the stud eyebrows and nugget nails, would you hit that, guys? Would you hit it HARD?

The Weirdgirl: BTW, Lady Gaga wants her clothes back. But you go on being who you R.

Chag: Your dancing isn't the only thing that's dumb, dear.

Didactic Pirate: Tomorrow's headline: "Teen dance party causes traffic jam in Holland tunnel. Onlooking drivers cheer as fast-moving semi clears path by mowing down youths."

Dufmanno: So see, here's the problem: you WON'T be "forever young" and that's where the part about career longevity and talent comes in.

Didactic Pirate: Wait a minute... is Ke$ha not wearing her Purity ring? Shocking.



Didactic Pirate: The DJ is perusing her online dating prospects. Which makes sense. It's so hard for a hot 20 year-old in shredded clothing to meet new people.

Dufmanno: O.K. What does Plenty Of Fish have to do with this song? Nothing.

Daddy Geek Boy: Plenty of Fish is a good name for a band though.

The Weirdgirl: Hi, I'm Ke$ha and I approve of drinking while online dating. Because that always turns out well.



Chag: You don't think Tequila Revolucion paid for these gratuitous close-ups, do you?

Dufmanno: Ech, Tequila. I had a great relationship with him until I dug a hole at the beach one day , threw him up, and buried him.



Chag: What the hell's up with the close-up of the watch? More product placement?

The Weirdgirl: Was that Madonna's watch? Warning to pop stars: don't leave Ke$ha alone in your closet.

Didactic Pirate: Was that a Swatch?



The Weirdgirl: Smurfette! You're so sexy.

Didactic Pirate: This chick has so much auto-tune on her voice she sounds like WOPR from War Games. "Would. You. Like. To. Play. A. Game?"

A Vapid Blonde: Ah, I get it now. The glitter is so heavy on her lips that she can't smile. Poor sad pouty Ke$ha.



Dufmanno: Is there any way to have this video banned based on the fact that she's wearing a torn up American Flag?



A Vapid Blonde: Please, please, please say this is the end of the video.



A Vapid Blonde: Damn, saved by a rip in the time space continuum.

The Weirdgirl: Is she still alive?



A Vapid Blonde: It's like "fronts" for your eyebrows. I do see this trend catching on, really I do.

Daddy Geek Boy: I'm not a fan of Ke$ha or this video, but I will be singing this damn song for the rest of the day.

A Vapid Blonde: Well it's better than the "Your Love is My Drug" video, which made me want to pour gasoline on my screen and light it on fire.

The Weirdgirl: Can we make a CB video? We can throw glue and glitter on each other. Jump up and down. Here's some lyrics: We'll be forever young with hot pants up our bum / All dance and drink, (robot voice) we won't go extinct. Chorus: Jump, $tump, rump hump and pump! repeat!

SmackTalk Victim: Bret Michaels, "What I Got"

Hello and welcome to SmackTalk, where each week we attack mock critique a music video or movie trailer. This week, we're taking a look at the latest from Bret Michaels: the video for his cover of Sublime's "What I Got." Hope ya love it!

Daddy Geek Boy: Beat box? It really is the '80s all over again.

Didactic Pirate: Time to play a rousing round of "Count the Mullets."

Chag: Damn, Bret! Even Kanye wouldn't perform in front of a thirty-foot image of himself!

The Weirdgirl: And he's off! At the pace of a snail. Rock on, snail.

Didactic Pirate: I'll bet a thousand bucks that he's totally bald in real life. That blond hair is actually sewn into all of his bandanas and cowboy hats.

Chag: Yes! Bret's rockin' the county fair!

Daddy Geek Boy: Okay, so it may be hard to rip on Bret Michaels after all he’s gone through, but can we at least rip on his fans?

A Vapid Blonde: I swear that's not me, drunk at a Bret Michaels Concert desecrating Sublime.

The Weirdgirl: Game! Every time you see a wife-beater, take a drink.

Daddy Geek Boy: Oh, I get it! They're showing a Dalmatian because he says "Dalmatian" in the song. Clever.

Chag: Marry me!

Didactic Pirate: Ok, I do like the woman who's playing thigh guitar. There's technique there. She looks classically trained.

Chag: Mothertruckin' riot? We should really stop listening to this song RIGHT NOW. He's practically daring us.

Daddy Geek Boy: Can we all agree now that "mothertruckin'" just isn’t an acceptable substitute?

Archphoenix: But there's a lady playing her leg like a guitar! FOCUS, people!

A Vapid Blonde: Is any one else worried that that poor innocent girl who is playing her leg like a mothertruckin' riot is about to have her boobs pop out? Because I am.

Chag: And by "worried" you mean "hoping," right? Because I am.

Didactic Pirate: You know, it's not cool for you guys to make fun of the South so much. I mean, these are regular folks just like you and me. It just doesn't seem fair for us to make fun of HOLY CRAP THAT'S A BIG FAT DUDE TURNING HIS UMBRELLA INTO A STRIPPING POLE AND HE'S LICKING IT.

Archphoenix: I can't unsee that. Not cool Bret, not cool.

A Vapid Blonde: Um. Um. UMBRELLAS!

The Weirdgirl: "Join our cult. We love you."

A Vapid Blonde: No, no, no no no no no! Don't get that as a tattoo!

Daddy Geek Boy: Do you think this guy's getting this horrible tat just so he can say he got the tat in a Bret Michaels video on YouTube?

Daddy Geek Boy: Two minutes in and I'm wondering why this is called the "Holiday Version."

The Weirdgirl: Well, obviously children + adults drinking + talking about pot = family values. And the holidays are ALL ABOUT family.

Archphoenix: The drummer has a righteous mohawk!

Chag: Yeah, I think he showed up for the wrong video.

 

Chag: It's a little hard to hear you sing "I don't get angry at the bills I got to pay" when you show us pictures of your pool which is bigger than most lakes.

A Vapid Blonde: And there it is ladies and gentlemen. The proof we have been looking for. Bret Michaels does NOT have a bandanna hair hat toupee.

Didactic Pirate: Can you get get crabs from watching a video?

SmackTalk Victim: Blubberella

Hello and welcome to Smacktalk, where each week we attack mock critique a music video or movie trailer. This week, we're taking a look at the trailer for Blubberella. Hope ya love it!



Chag: Is this Schindler's List?

Archphoenix: Oh dear God, Chag. Uwe isn't really going Holocaust, is he?



A Vapid Blonde: "And all hope is fading." Is this a foreshadowing of my feelings for this movie?

Archphoenix: Vapid, it's a Uwe Boll film. There is no hope that this will be classy. Or watchable.



Chag: Here's a fun idea: let's drink every time they make a fat joke!

A Vapid Blonde: Did she just say she's Zamfir? This is already confusing.



Chag: Great! Just what the world needed: more slo-mo Matrix bullet dodging!



Chag: Ladies and gentlemen, Richie Cunningham's little brother!



Archphoenix: Rolling pins? Really? Oh Uwe. *sigh*

Chag: Ok. I'm drunk now.



A Vapid Blonde: She just killed that guy over a Footlong. All the work that Jared's done for the Subway image, RUINED!



A Vapid Blonde: Did she just poop? Oh my God, what is going on and why is there a cigar girl in the background?



A Vapid Blonde: Chia Hitler!



A Vapid Blonde: I kind of like the Bavarian Beer Fest Wench look. Anyone else craving a St. Pauli Girl... or twelve right now?

Archphoenix: I don't even understand what's happening here with all the weaving. Is it too late to sign up on the Stop Uwe Boll petition?

Chag: So... this is about an obese half-vampire super hero who kills Nazis? They came up with this plot using Mad Libs, didn't they?

Archphoenix: No, Chag, they pulled it from Uwe Boll's magical hat of crap ideas. HOW DOES HE KEEP GETTING FUNDING?

Chag: I just IMDbed Uwe Boll and don't think I've seen a single one of his movies. After watching this trailer, I plan on keeping it that way.

SmackTalk Victim: 2010: Moby Dick

Hello and welcome to Smacktalk, where each week we attack mock critique a music video or movie trailer. This week, we're taking a look at the trailer for 2010: Moby Dick. Hope ya love it!



Daddy Geek Boy: From a studio no one has ever heard of...

Archphoenix: I'm kind of ashamed of myself for knowing that Asylum is the same company that did Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus.



The Weirdgirl: Evil lurks? Are the Backstreet Boys down there?

A Vapid Blonde: I'd be pissed too if I was that whale. First he's evil, then he's a monster, what's next?



Chag: No tease whatsoever. I like this. Bringing the monster out, front and center, from the get-go!

Didactic Pirate: Who knew whales growl like grizzly bears when they attack?



Archphoenix: Did that whale just bite a nuke?



Archphoenix: Gabrielle from Xena! I wondered recently what she was up to. And I fear it's nothing good.

Dufmanno: "And that would make it 400 feet?" I actually did research on what 400 feet looks like. They are right to look concerned.

The Weirdgirl: I'll be sorely disappointed if this isn't a prehistoric whale. (Today's whales are just whining posers.)



Didactic Pirate: For just one nanosecond, I thought that was Sean Penn with a bad 'stache. I owe Mr. Penn an apology e-card.

Chag: I don't remember nukes in Moby Dick. I knew I should've read the damn thing and not relied on Cliffs Notes.

Dufmanno: It's never truly dangerous until a "boatload of nukes" is involved.

Daddy Geek Boy: Forgive me if I'm wrong, but isn't one nuke all it really takes to be dangerous?




Archphoenix: Took his leg in '69? Oh Barry, did they pitch this to you by saying, "The film sucks. Here's a big pile of money."

Dufmanno: Revenge. Driving plots since the dawn of time.



A Vapid Blonde: Oh honey don't you even remember? He's not an animal, he's an EVIL 400 FOOT MONSTER! Pfft, blondes.

Daddy Geek Boy: Go back to PETA you dumb hippie. A giant killer whale is not an animal. Haven't you seen Sharktopus?

Didactic Pirate: Nice scar on Bostwick. It says, "I'm a badass," but also, "I'm emotionally vulnerable."

Chag: Did he just say, "I'd strike the sun if it insulted me?" How is that even possible? What does that even mean?

Dufmanno: Okay, I’m with Chag on this one. What the hell is even going on is right. The sun?

Archphoenix: Chag, basically, he's the anti-Al Gore.
 
A Vapid Blonde: *blink* *blink* *blink* BWAHHAAAHAAAA. Whoever wrote this should not be allowed near any writing implements ever again.
 
The Weirdgirl:  I'm feeling the whale at this moment. Dude needs to be eaten.
 
The Weirdgirl: Oh, and the sky has pissed me off lately. I think I'll nuke it.



Chag: We're going to need a bigger boat.

Didactic Pirate: I don't care how high you can leap, Whale. Sharktopus could still make you his bitch.

Daddy Geek Boy:  I have no idea what's happening right now.  It's like a Michael Bay film all of a sudden.

Didactic Pirate: That's one fast-moving CGI rendering of a whale.

The Weirdgirl: Body slam!



Daddy Geek Boy: I was going to pass on this movie until they told me that it starred a Golden Globe winner. That changes everything!
 
Chag: You know that Barry Bostwick's character is named Captain Ahab? *rolls eyes*
 
Didactic Pirate: Just so I understand: the producers saw a rerun of Spin City, looked at each other and said, "Gentlemen, we've found our Ahab."



Daddy Geek Boy: Shouldn't the title be Moby Dick: 2010? Also, 2010 is almost over so they better get this thing out soon otherwise the movie's not going to make any sense.

A Vapid Blonde: Oh jeez Barry, now you've gone and done it. Calling him "The Devil Himself?" Thats is really going to piss off the evil 400-foot monster that lurks below the surface.

Dufmanno: But Barry, he is a whale. I’m confused.

The Weirdgirl: He's the Keyser Soze of whales.

Didactic Pirate: Herman Melville is going to rise from his grave and smack an apology out of some movie execs for this one.