Don't Fear The Limey

There's something in the air, do you smell it? It's the heady aroma of luck, talent, timing, and excellent choices combining to create a mix of pure undiluted unstoppable star power. If the rumors are to be believed then you may be about to witness the birth of a legend.

What, you may ask yourself, am I going on about?

Do you remember when I gave out unsolicited advice to perpetually pained vampire juggernaut Robert Pattinson?

Yes, well how long did you think it would take him to scoop up these nuggets of career wisdom and run with them?

Thank you Dufmanno! Stellar advice.

Apparently it didn't take long at all now did it?


Yes, I know that most people visibly cringed upon hearing the news that Pattinson had been cast as the seminal, disengaged, limo riding billionaire  business man Eric Packer  from Don DeLillo's cold jarring masterpiece Cosmopolis.

Get in the limo.

But think about the combination of factors here.

You have an ice cold satire that takes place mostly in the claustrophobic confines of one stretch limo journey across town, helmed by the Barron of Blood, David Cronenberg.

Never has being stuck in crosstown traffic ever given birth to a series of situations so dire and I think this guy is at the perfect stage to portray that.

This is the same bloke who had to implore millions of teen aged girls, who wept openly in protest of his casting in the Twilight series as their hopes of a more generic Edward were dashed onto the jagged rocks of the Pacific northwest coastline, to just "give him a chance."

Never has a guy with this much clout had to beg for so much forgiveness.

Still think he's not a contender?

Witness his first perfectly chosen transitional role outside the Meyers universe to see exactly how crazy like a fox he actually is. Someone who is methodically and carefully cultivating his career made sure that all the love-starved romantics who will easily be pulled from the barely restrained lust and heaving that made Twilight such a sensation move beautifully into the theater seats so they can sit watching Water For Elephants over and over and over.

This is where he either succumbs to the dreaded "Mark Hamil Syndrome" or goes supernova, a phenomenon you don't see too often outside the Depps, DiCaprios, or Pitts.

So heed my words, barring any unforeseen glitches, I think this guy is moving to the big leagues.

You can stop shaking your head and laughing at me now, Chag.

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Robert Pattinson, We Need to Talk

Stop glowering at me like
that. You are making it hard
to concentrate.

I recently wrote a scathing, no-holds-barred exposé of my inability to resist the frothy vampire teen romance novel Twilight and all of its pitfalls. Along with the shame of exposing myself and my continued downward spiral, I am now ten dollars poorer and four rungs lower on the respect ladder that I'd been trying to ascend.

Yes, a thousand dead literature professors rolled collectively in their graves and my Classics teacher is probably having chest pains but whatever. But let's forget all that for a moment and focus instead on grabbing onto the career trajectory of one meteoric star that emerged from all this hoopla.

Robert Pattinson, I need to speak to you about this crossroads you stand at. You see, I like to sometimes intervene on behalf of celebrities whose shiny veneer has faded with time and are behaving badly. YOU are at the pinnacle of your fame and fortune and therefore much too conspicuous to merit a visit or phone call from me personally. That, and you would probably see fit to summon a constable and have me arrested but I digress....

Here's the problem.

I'm seeing a pattern.

Do you know what that means? No? Well, let me tell you.

You've got a basic something, there is no denying that. Raw animal magnetism paired with sex appeal and a scruffy, unwashed, yet not hipster douchebag, likability. That, and you are English. Never underestimate how much undeserved clout an accent commands in Hollywood.

Your slightly more menacing take on Edward during the first Twilight film was admirable and your kissing skills are clearly enough to make a million pairs of underwear hit the floor simultaneously, but we are looking for something more. That something is longevity.

I like to draw a warm and well intentioned comparison to Brad Pitt who I feel evoked similar thoughts with his first big scene in Thelma & Louise. The similarities don't end there. He managed to get himself cast in a popular vampire flick based on an equally beloved book series when he kicked off into uncharted territory. But then Brad saw the handwriting on the wall and pulled an about face. Fight Club with Fincher, 12 Monkeys with Gilliam, etc. Yes, he also did tripe like Legends of the Fall and Seven Years in Tibet, but the point is he mixed it up and his pretty boy image was replaced by that of a guy with chops who wasn't afraid to get dirty, scruffy, and insane.

So here is my advice to you: pull a Brando.

Gain a hundred pounds, keep the full face of mountain man growth you've been sporting, become an eccentric recluse, and buy a whole island near Tahiti. Work with a Danny Boyle, a Fincher, a Scorsese, or a Christopher Nolan. Hell even a Guy Ritchie on a gritty, violent, crime-ridden tale of underworld scum.

Stir the pot.

Play against type.

Gain a reputation for bizarre method acting shenanigans where you spend four weeks in a cave "prepping" for a role with only a family of chimps and Jane Goodall for company.

The line between the fantastic and the mundane is murky and hard to see young fella, so grab your apple and make the most of this insanity while you hold the reigns.

Years from now when you are sitting on your sprawling wraparound porch, you will make a mental note to thank me for taking you gently by the hand and showing you the opposing fates wrestling to overwhelm your future. So, YOU'RE WELCOME and choose wisely, young Padawan.

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What Is Up With The Vampires These Days?

My wife and I enjoy vampire movies and television shows. Pretty much every decade has its share of awesome vampire fare. We love the original Dracula from 1931 (if you have the chance, check out the Spanish version--it's actually better than the Bela Legosi English version). We like the 1979 Frank Langella Dracula as well. The '80s were full of great blood-sucking, with classics like both of the Fright Night films and The Lost Boys standing out as the best. As far as the '90s go, we loved the ultra-gory Vampire$ in 1998 and television's all-too-short-lived Kindred: The Embraced. We really got into last year's Moonlight (again, short-lived) and we've started watching True Blood--which is a pretty cool vampire story under its soft-core porn exterior.

In our effort to keep up with the latest on the vampire front, we recently started watching the Twilight films. Which is what brings me back to my initial question: what is up with the vampires these days?

Edward Cullen and his bunch are just way too whiny to be proper vampires. Granted, there have been whiny vampires before: Louis from Interview with the Vampire would have fit right in with the Cullens, as would 1992's incarnation of Dracula who did nothing but bemoan his fate. But the entire Twilight mythology is built on a foundation of whine. The vampires are so unhappy with being vampires that it even makes the werewolves and humans sad and gloomy!

As I suffered through New Moon (which has an angst to "cool vampire action" ratio of about 99 to 1), I couldn't help but think about how the vampires of previous decades would handle the Twilight clan.

Jerry Dandridge from Fright Night, who enjoyed the idea of toying with humans who found out his secret, would take out the whole town of Forks, Washington, werewolves included, and have a good laugh with his buddy Billy afterward. If Jerry's sister, Regine (Fright Night 2) was pissed at Bella Swan, Bella would never have lasted through multiple movies of being hunted--she would have been gone in the first five minutes of New Moon. And it's for damn sure that David, Paul, Dwayne, and Marko (The Lost Boys) wouldn't let any of those pale, whiny Cullens hang from the railroad bridge with them.

Granted, the whole sparkly instead of bursting-into-flames-in-sunlight would give the Cullens an edge in the daytime. But at night? Forget about it.

I have to say, I am losing my patience with modern movie vampires. I haven't seen Eclipse yet (I'll wait for the video release, thanks), but I can only imagine it's more of the same. Vampires are really powerful, virtually immortal beings. Given their position in the food chain, you'd think they'd embrace their lot in life (death?). Lions don't go around moping because they're forced to kill gazelles, do they? It's pretty much the same thing. At least to me.

As I've said before, I am no fan of remaking films that were good in their original incarnations--but maybe it is high time for a Fright Night remake. Just to show the kids today what real vampires are like. (Actually, with the addition of Dr. Who's David Tennant and Superbad's Christopher Minzt-Plasse to the cast, there's even more of a reason to give this particular remake a thumbs-up.)

Better still, maybe somebody should make Twilight: Showdown: The Cullens versus the vamps of the '80s. That would clear out the pale, wussy, angst-ridden crowd and bring some proper night stalking back to the big screen.

Die, Vampire, Die!

Great news guys: our obsession with vampires is nearing an end! How do I know? Because Hollywood's releasing the vampire spoof, Vampires Suck, on August 18th. The film is written and directed by the same dynamic duo who gave us Date Movie, Disaster Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, Scary Movie, Scary Movie 2, Scary Movie 3, and Scary Movie 4.

We all know that by the time Hollywood gets around to spoofing a genre, that genre is officially on its last legs. Hurrah!



Now can someone in Hollywood get to work on a Betty White spoof? Thanks!

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Ok. The Twilight Saga Eclipse opened at midnight on 15,230 screens. I think they're projecting it'll pull in $1.5 billion or something like that by the end of the weekend.

Confession: I've never read a Twilight book. I've never seen a Twilight film. But the kids all tell me they're great. Not my kids. They're too young. I'm talking about the kids that hang out outside Hot Topic and ask me to buy them beer.

Like I said, I've never seen Twilight, but I think I know what's going on. From what I gather, the one guy's a vampire, the other guy's a werewolf, and they're fighting over Kristen Stewart. Close enough? Good.

How about you? For this week's Your Say Hump Day, we want to know if you're a fan of the Twilight books or movies. If so, will you be seeing The Twilight Sage: Eclipse? Or have you already seen it? Have your say in the comments.

Go!