My wife says it's not ok that I love watching teen horror movies in which college kids get slaughtered, vivisected, decapitated and eaten by monsters. And she says it's really not ok that when I watch these movies, I imagine the carefree, hedonistic youngsters getting slashed/chomped/bludgeoned are my own students. She says twisted, I say cathartic. Tomay-to, Tomah-to.I'd like the record to show that I would never actually wish harm on any of my students. Just because they care more about the next Frat Row kegger than about my writing assignments during the school year, just because they lose count of the grandparents they claim die right before a deadline, just because they sometimes come to my morning classes a tiny bit hung over, doesn't mean they deserve to have their limbs sawed off by a crazed killer in a burlap mask and a buzz saw for an arm. Of course not. In fact, I can assure you that every Spring Break, I tell my students to have fun, enjoy themselves, but DO NOT GO INTO THE WOODS ALONE. Or swimming at night. Or to a lurky looking motel to have pre-murder sex.
Make smart choices, I tell them.
So. Just to reiterate: I do not support teen massacres. I stand squarely against it.
That said... how excited am I for Piranha 3D, which just hit theaters last weekend? Every time the trailer comes on TV, I stop what I'm doing and watch. I've seen the online version of it like twenty times.
I can't help it. Apparently I have an inner curmudgeon that's secretly fed up with These Kids Today, With Their Loud Rock Music and Their Baggy Pants.
Personally, I think the Piranha trailer alone hints at some valuable lessons for Kids Today. I just don't think it's articulating it clearly enough.
Here's my rewrite:
EXT. ON THE LAKE – DAY. KIDS EVERYWHERE FLOATING ON INNERTUBES.
(CUT TO: Blood spreading in the water. Mass screaming panic.)BRITTANY Ohmigaw, Tiffany! This is such an awesome Spring Break trip at the lake with all the sun and water and guys and sex and beer!TIFFANY Ohmigaw, I know, right? Can you believe that our English teacher gave us an assignment before we left?BRITTANY He's so lame and stupid!TIFFANY So totally lame! Plus he's bald! It's so funny! I don't care about school! We should enter a Wet T-shirt contest!DUDE ON NEARBY BOAT Hey, hot girls! Want to do some body shots?BRITTANY Sorry, we should probably swim back to shore so we can do some English homework!DUDE Seriously?TIFFANY AND BRITTANY NO WAY!!! Ha ha ha ha ha! Our teacher is sooooo lame!DUDE He SOUNDS lame! Hahahaha!TIFFANY Homework is such a totally total waste of time! I like beer!BRITTANY Totally! Hey, something just brushed past my leg in the water!TIFFANY Maybe it's our lame English teacher with another assignment! He’s old! Ha ha ha ha!BRITTANY Yea! Ha ha! Ow! Something just bit me!TIFFANY Ow! Hey! Me too! It hurts! Oh God!BRITTANY I know, right? It's like, owwwwww! I'm being pulled right down through my inner tube! Didn't our English teacher say something in class about how good writing skills could save our lives someday?TIFFANY He totally did! But we didn't listen! Ow!DUDE Ahhh God! If only I wasn't such a self-absorbed douchenozzle, always thinking about myself with no regard for anyone else! With no thoughts about planning for the future!
(clumsily falling into the water and splashing in a frenzy)BRITTANY I know, right?
End scene.
And that's one to grow on.
