Teddy Ruxpin Wants Your Soul

Everyone knows the drill.

Stay as far away from puppets, clowns, and mimes as is humanly possible and never turn your back at a child's birthday party, lest you be devoured by all three at once.

No one, however, has laid out the dangers posed by one of THE most insidious toys to crawl zombielike out of the '80s toy market: Teddy Ruxpin.

Please observe:

This was the precursor to the Furby and all terrifying speaking furry toy robots that hit store shelves afterward, so you can look Teddy square in the eye during the machine wars that we will all be fighting in 2025 and know he started it all.

Just as John Connor predicted, it all starts with one know-it-all at Cyberdine Systems and the next thing you know your Honda Asimo droid is stabbing you with the cutlery and your Roomba stops vacuuming and eats your pets. It's a slippery slope, people.

So anyway, now that you have that chilling Dr. Frankenstein visual of the true evil origins of the Teddy Ruxpin, you need to go burn any remaining '80s toys that speak, coo, or move their eyes in a shifty manner because no good comes of these things.

If you decide not to heed my warning, don't blame me when you wake up in the middle of the night with this thing attached to your head while it sucks what remains of your soul out of your left ear.

Everyone else, welcome to the war against the machines.

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