This episode almost did it. I almost quit Hellcats. You have to expect that when the opening dance sequence is, well, a dance sequence that you think might just be pushing the envelope of acceptable television especially if you're not watching Glee. And if you are pushing my envelope, you've probably goon too far. Lets face it, my standards are pretty low. THANK GOD, it was only a nightmare for Marti. By the way, I'd be pissed if I was Aly Michalka and they took my character and made her irritating all the while making Heather Hemmen's Alice Verdura way more appealing. Doesn't verdura mean vegetable or something in Italian? The major focus of this episode is Alice's sweet peas, I mean cantaloupes, oh wait that's a fruit. Maybe I'll just call it her sexy vegetable dip. You see, as well as everyone else on the Lancer campus sees, Alice took pictures of her crudités and sent them to Jakey and somehow someone got ahold of all of the raw naked veggies and sent them out to every one's email. Anyone else hungry?
Moving on to the snoozefest that is Vanessa and her problems with her boyfriend Derrick. *YAWN* I think using the term "waking up on the wrong side of the bed" doesn't quite describe the "good morning honey, you suck at being my boyfriend, I don't care if you are making tons of money at this new job you don't pay enough attention to meeeeee anymore" attitude she wakes up with. As her reward for acting out like Joan Crawford, Derrick proposes to her with a dance routine. Another dance routine. After she accepts and much celebration, they go to bed and Vanessa is startled awake after having a sex dream about Red Raymond.
Who wrote this episode? It's like a mash up of a Broadway musical and a Vivid Entertainment production. Less Broadway, more Vivid please.
At the ass crack of dawn Dan "The Man" Patch knocks on Savannah's door. I guess we are supposed to understand that Dan's been up all night wringing his hands deep in thought over his new found emotional dilemma of being in like with Savannah and having a huge... um "crush on" for Marti. With little more explanation than "It's not you, it's me," Dan dumps Savannah. Savannah slaps him and gives him the boot. Buh bye. Savannah really needs to stop ending episodes with her face all contorted.
Then there is that other annoying side plot of Marti and the Convict. Marti gets kicked off the project. The convict fires his lawyer, Julian, the law teacher. Marti quits Julian's class saying that he's a sell out. Julian signs the papers releasing her but apparently Marti's tirade about him being a sell out has touched a nerve. Julian takes her back on the project and in the class and then they exchange sexual favors. Just kidding. Marti gives Julian a big hug making Julian very, very uncomfortable. It's not clear if he is uncomfortable about the pants area, but uncomfortable never the less.
Back to our little broccoli floret Alice, who exacts revenge on Damian, the football player who shared her crudités photos with the entire campus when she finds out that he is gay. *GASP* After a not so well thought-out plan, she decides she is going to out him but after a harsh scolding from Red and Vanessa, she decides it would be better if she just blackmails the guy for the next year by making him take classes in privacy issues and how not to win friends. Or something like that. Dear Damian, in the immortal words of Homer Simpson, don't you know that you don't win friends with salad?