The Official Culture Brats Predictions For 2011

With 2010 nearing an end, we thought it might be fun to take a look ahead and offer some predictions for the upcoming year. We took a look into our crystal ball and found out what's in store for the worlds of music, movies, television, fashion, and sports, and what the new year will bring your favorite celebrities.

It's going to be one exciting year!

A Vapid Blonde
A Vapid Blonde predicts:
  • Child Beauty Pageants will go the way of Extreme Dog Grooming and you won't be able to tell the difference between Little Sally Jane and a water buffalo.
  • There will be a resurgence of the Spandex Jumpsuit, but this time around for both men and women. Thus making the camel toe a fashion statement.
  • There will be another strain of the flu that originates with The Chupacabra and only people who have stockpiled enough Ciprofloxacin will survive. It will be called the ChupaFlu.
  • Taco Bell will create a controversial new Chalupa called a Chupalupa and they will go out of business for selling Chalupas tainted with the meat of Chupacabras with ChupaFlu.  

Archphoenix predicts:
  • The remake of Footloose will suck.
  • Will Smith's kids, Jaden and Willow, begin part 2 of their world domination plan in 2011. I for one welcome our tiny talented overlords.
  • The Chicago Cubs will continue to not win things.
  • I will continue to not understand "Bieber Fever."
    Chag predicts:
    • Lady GaGa's Born This Way will be the last album ever to sell one million copies in its first week.

    • Apple will release an iSomethingOrAnother and everyone will go on and on and on about how awesome and shiny it is and how complete it makes their lives.
    • We'll still have no clue who the mother is on How I Met Your Mother.
    • Due to the lockout, the absence of the NFL will lead to a huge increase in divorces in the fourth quarter of 2011.
    • Meanwhile, fantasy cricket will take off like a rocket.
    • Just like 2010 and before, Jack White will continue to record with lots of different musicians and form many side projects. He'll have his fingers in so many pies that he will accidentally record a duet with himself.
    • Culture Brats will become the biggest pop culture destination on Earth.

    Daddy Geek Boy
    Daddy Geek Boy predicts:
    • The crash and burn of Miley Cyrus, hinted at the tail end of this year, will commence in spectacular fashion.
    • Facebook will begin changing their format daily. We will all complain, but continue to use it.
    • The 3D trend will taper off, making way for the reemergence of Smell-O-Vision in theaters.
    • Culture Brats will move on to Phase 2 in world domination.

    Didactic Pirate
    Didactic Pirate predicts:
    • R. Kelly will bring back his 22-chapter "Trapped in the Closet" as a lavish Broadway show. Sadly, since he'll choose Julie Taymor as his creative director, the high-wire production numbers will kill several cast members before its premiere.
    • Networks will cancel Fringe, Bones, 30 Rock, The Walking Dead, and every other show that I love, replacing them with various celebrity competition shows including: Clog Dancing With The Stars, Roller Derby With The Stars, Thumb Wrestling With The Stars, and Breadmaking With The Stars.
    • Michael Jackson will start touring again, prompting a new investigation into his death. It will be revealed that he's actually been dead for fifteen years, and his father Joe Jackson has been trotting an audio-animatronic double for public appearances ever since.
    • In related news, Disney will remake Captain EO, starring Ne-Yo. The movie will still be irritating as hell, but people will fill the 3D theatre at Disneyland to see it, because it's the only attraction for which there's never a line.
    • The Green Lantern movie will suck, but I'll see it anyway.
    • Next fall's sci-fi series Terra Nova will suck, but I'll watch it anyway.
    • Several cast members from MTV's Jersey Shore will overdose on self-tanner, and turn a brilliant shade of tangerine before exploding. The nation will mourn.
    • The nation will finally start to get tired of singers who rely entirely on auto-tune to make themselves sound talented. Having no other career options, Ke$ha will languish in community college for a year before dropping out and becoming a spokesmodel at boat shows.

    Dufmanno predicts:
    • The Police will reform again after realizing that I missed the reunion extravaganza due to extenuating circumstances, and I will be given front row seats to every show.
    • It will once again become cool to wear legwarmers of various colors in public and not to dance class.
    • It will be revealed that Andrew Ridgely was in fact the more talented of the Wham duo and is being kept in George Michael's closet for the purpose of stealing his thunder.
    • Duran Duran will go on tour and women will scream so loud that I will lose what is left of my spotty hearing.
    • We will be visited by alien life and they will explain why the Kardashians and Jersey Shore are popular. We will attain Nirvana and then we will die.
    • There will be at least one real zombie in 2011 but the government will have created it.
    • The just revealed to be pregnant Natalie Portman will give birth to twins that she will name Luke and Leia. She will also hire an English bulter who wears all gold lame.
    • Tom Cruise will finally stop making his female co-stars stand in a ditch while he's on top of a milk carton and admit he's only five foot two.
    • Sean Penn will be forced to admit the same thing.
    • Someone will finally recognize that Dustin Hoffman is a better actor than Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro.
    • We will find out Andy Kaufman is alive and well and living in New Mexico with Joaquin Phoenix.

    Heather predicts:
    • The hot new toy of the year will be a pet rock.
    • Jeff Probst will finally crack and say "I'll go get the box thingy" instead of "I'll go tally the votes" because everyone knows he doesn't do any tallying.
    • Teenage girls will begin teasing their bangs to new heights and use banana clips to tame the rest of the mane.
    • It will be discovered Oprah has been hiding 127 African children in her closet for the last 5 years.
    • The Minnesota Twins will win the World Series.

    Jenny On The Spot
    JennyOnTheSpot predicts:
    • Silly Bandz will take over our youth, and parents will start stealing them from their children. I speak from experience.
    • White tennies (ex: Keds) sans laces are gonna come back.
    • Shoulder pads. I can feel the rumblings from Paris.
    • Video blogs will give daytime television a run for it's money. Watch out, Days Of Our Lives.
    • Mozzerella sticks will continue to be the party appetizer of choice, especially for bowlers.
    • Kate Spade, Betsey Johnson be warned. Etsy is here to stay.

    Mr. Big Dubya
    Mr. Big Dubya predicts:
    • It will be revealed by the esteemed National Enquirer that the Jonas Brothers and other Disney properties are the products of Disney Imagineers. They are actually cutting-edge audio-animatronic figures a la The Hall Of Presidents.
    • Dancing With The Stars will change the format and go to all line dances. Contestants will be judged on their ability to do the Macarena, Cotton-Eyed Joe and The Hustle among others.
    • In a stunning example of openness, a major studio executive will announce the television and movie industries are devoid of ideas. "We're sorry we have thrust upon you all dreck like Jersey Shore, 16 And Pregnant, and Real Housewives Of Anywhere. As penance we will bring back Firefly and produce Shark Year. And no more shiny vampires. We promise."
    • It will be learned that Soylent Green is people; it was earth all along; Donnie dies; and Rosebud is a sled.
    • It will be revealed that M. Night Shyamalan is really an elaborate practical joke concocted by Joaquin Phoenix.

    The Weirdgirl
    The Weirdgirl predicts:
    • Since the rock icon/tattoo t-shirt (a la Ed Hardy) is finally fading, it will be replaced by t-shirts with architectural and scientific themed designs.
    • Whatever decor I put up in my house will promptly be stolen by the Pottery Barn spy robots that they've implanted here. Just like they've stolen every other season's designs from my house for the last five years. They are really starting to piss me off. I came up with these designs first, you bastards. Do you know how many times I've had to answer the question, "Oh, do you shop at Pottery Barn?" No, no I don't!
    • Green is going to be everywhere for spring, but pastels overall will be more muted this season.
    • Aliens will be the new zombies which are the new vampires which were the new pirates.
    • Johnny Depp's biggest role will be starring as a vampiric alien zombie pirate with a little lizard thrown in. He'll be wearing that godawful Hawaiian shirt.
    • Moody will be the new black.

    [image 1|image 2|all other images]

    Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...