SmackTalk Victim: Bret Michaels, "What I Got"

Hello and welcome to SmackTalk, where each week we attack mock critique a music video or movie trailer. This week, we're taking a look at the latest from Bret Michaels: the video for his cover of Sublime's "What I Got." Hope ya love it!

Daddy Geek Boy: Beat box? It really is the '80s all over again.

Didactic Pirate: Time to play a rousing round of "Count the Mullets."

Chag: Damn, Bret! Even Kanye wouldn't perform in front of a thirty-foot image of himself!

The Weirdgirl: And he's off! At the pace of a snail. Rock on, snail.

Didactic Pirate: I'll bet a thousand bucks that he's totally bald in real life. That blond hair is actually sewn into all of his bandanas and cowboy hats.

Chag: Yes! Bret's rockin' the county fair!

Daddy Geek Boy: Okay, so it may be hard to rip on Bret Michaels after all he’s gone through, but can we at least rip on his fans?

A Vapid Blonde: I swear that's not me, drunk at a Bret Michaels Concert desecrating Sublime.

The Weirdgirl: Game! Every time you see a wife-beater, take a drink.

Daddy Geek Boy: Oh, I get it! They're showing a Dalmatian because he says "Dalmatian" in the song. Clever.

Chag: Marry me!

Didactic Pirate: Ok, I do like the woman who's playing thigh guitar. There's technique there. She looks classically trained.

Chag: Mothertruckin' riot? We should really stop listening to this song RIGHT NOW. He's practically daring us.

Daddy Geek Boy: Can we all agree now that "mothertruckin'" just isn’t an acceptable substitute?

Archphoenix: But there's a lady playing her leg like a guitar! FOCUS, people!

A Vapid Blonde: Is any one else worried that that poor innocent girl who is playing her leg like a mothertruckin' riot is about to have her boobs pop out? Because I am.

Chag: And by "worried" you mean "hoping," right? Because I am.

Didactic Pirate: You know, it's not cool for you guys to make fun of the South so much. I mean, these are regular folks just like you and me. It just doesn't seem fair for us to make fun of HOLY CRAP THAT'S A BIG FAT DUDE TURNING HIS UMBRELLA INTO A STRIPPING POLE AND HE'S LICKING IT.

Archphoenix: I can't unsee that. Not cool Bret, not cool.

A Vapid Blonde: Um. Um. UMBRELLAS!

The Weirdgirl: "Join our cult. We love you."

A Vapid Blonde: No, no, no no no no no! Don't get that as a tattoo!

Daddy Geek Boy: Do you think this guy's getting this horrible tat just so he can say he got the tat in a Bret Michaels video on YouTube?

Daddy Geek Boy: Two minutes in and I'm wondering why this is called the "Holiday Version."

The Weirdgirl: Well, obviously children + adults drinking + talking about pot = family values. And the holidays are ALL ABOUT family.

Archphoenix: The drummer has a righteous mohawk!

Chag: Yeah, I think he showed up for the wrong video.


Chag: It's a little hard to hear you sing "I don't get angry at the bills I got to pay" when you show us pictures of your pool which is bigger than most lakes.

A Vapid Blonde: And there it is ladies and gentlemen. The proof we have been looking for. Bret Michaels does NOT have a bandanna hair hat toupee.

Didactic Pirate: Can you get get crabs from watching a video?

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