Hellcats: "Fancy Dan"

Again with the awful episode title. "Fancy Dan?" Really. I was thinking more along the lines of "Annoying Bird Girl, Cold Feet And Desperation" because those seven words sum up the entire episode. Even though this episode starts out promising with some sexy bouncing booties, it is quickly derailed by Derrick getting deployed and in desperation convinces Vanessa to get married before he goes in three days. So you can imagine where the cold feet part comes in. But no they had to go and name this episode "Fancy Dan" because Dan The Man Patch comes back to town for his brother's wedding and he has to wear a tuxedo so of course he is "Fancy Dan" now.

Wanda, who by the way never seems to be drunk anymore, sees an opportunity to get Marti back in Dan's fancy pants by having her sing at his brother's wedding. Which of course Marti is all like "Oh yeah, Mom. That is so cool that you did that and man I can't wait to look like a desperate love lorn kitten and I have the perfect tight light blue dress that accentuates my ample bosom so nicely!" Or maybe Marti was thinking "Wanda, mind your own business!" But in the end, she does agree to perform a few Rolling Stones songs at the wedding. She tells Savannah all about it and Savannah decides she should go too and declares that they need to have a Dan Off. You know like the Cheer Off from a few weeks ago only now it's to see who can win the contest in Dan's fancy pants.

Meanwhile, Alice and Lewis "Does This Look Crooked?" Flynn are having nibbles and one of the football players plops down, steals a french fry, and tells Alice she should visit Jake and Alice responds with something like "Jakey Poo is crazy if he thinks he's getting any conjugals out me. My bits are on lockdown!" However later, over some pie, she asks Travis The Now Free To Shag Ex-Convict, who is working under Wanda's "management," for his advice. Can I just add here that for a tiny cheerleader chicklet she certainly doesn't eat all that well. French fries and pie? Tsk. Tsk. Even though Travis The Now Free To Shag Ex-Convict says that as much as he would like Jakey Poo to suffer, he at least did the right thing eventually and for that deserves a little somethin', somethin' from Alice. Alice, who is over come with guilt, goes to visit Jakey Poo in the slammer and confesses that every thing she said to convince him to confess were lies, all of it lies. To which Jakey Poo looks at her, blinks and is kind of like "Well duh? Of course you lied, that's what you do Alice! You lie, just like I did which is why we should get it on right here on the table." or he may have just said something like "I'm here because I stole from the pharmacy and you make me feel like a man and blah, blah blah..."

At the wedding, Marti and Dan engage in an awkward social interaction that gets interrupted by Savannah, who has changed out of her catering uniform and into a toilet paper cozy dress, passing out mushroom puffs and then they all get interrupted by The Crazy Bird Cleaning Lady who plants a full on sloppy kiss right on Fancy Dan's fancy lips and then she feeds him a mushroom puff and starts to go on and on about how they met on an oil clean up boat and how she has personally cleaned 276 oily birds. And that is when Savannah pulls out a gun and shoots The Crazy Bird Cleaning Lady. Or she may have paid some poor sap fifty bucks to ask her about oily birds to keep her away from Dan long enough to embarrass herself a little more. Which backfires because the poor sap can't stand listening to The Crazy Bird Cleaning Lady for more than 30 seconds and she storms over to Savannah and Fancy Dan and confronts them about Savannah bribing the guy and Savannah's face does some weird pouty twisty thing that is really unattractive.

While all this is going down, Derrick is trying to get Vanessa all tied up in marriage before he leaves but she can't do it. Derrick realizes that she is still in love with Red and in a very adult mature moment, that did not make me get teary eyed at all, he tells her all he ever wanted to do was make her happy and how sorry he was that he couldn't do that. He leaves and we are left watching Vanessa cry at some very mean, very empty hangers.

Eventually Marti and Fancy Dan re-establish their mostly platonic friendship. Savannah and Fancy Dan make up. Dan goes to kill off The Crazy Bird Cleaning Lady. Then he comes back and gives Savannah a tonsillectomy as Marti sings "Wild Horses" while gyrating about the microphone stand like she's a wild horse. In heat.

And that's all folks until next week when we get to see Savannah's very pregnant sister get pushed around. This show, I mean really? Pushing around a pregnant cheerleader. I just don't know.

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