SmackTalk Victim: Ke$ha, "Blow"

Hello and welcome to SmackTalk, where each week we attack mock critique a music video or movie trailer. This week, we're taking a look at our first two-time offender, the music video for Ke$ha's "Blow." Hope ya love it!

Daddy Geek Boy: Good, cause we wouldn't want PETMA protesting this video.

CroutonBoy: I see the ASPCA has extended its jurisdiction.

CroutonBoy: 14 seconds in and her voice is already making me wish they would gore her with their horns.

Daddy Geek Boy: Those unicorns look bored. Think to them Ke$ha sounds like an adult from a Peanuts cartoon?

Dufmanno: I'm not sure if it's just me but did she roll in mud before filming this?

The Weirdgirl: Dufmanno, I think those are freckles. Or acne. Either way, I can't shake the feeling that she should be in pigtails.

CroutonBoy: Why don't they ever have real bar food in these videos. Just once I want to see some hot chick smearing buffalo wing sauce on her dress.

Didactic Pirate: That's a tiny, tiny chip she's putting in her mouth. That's not going to impress anybody.

Daddy Geek Boy: Um Ke$ha, that kibble is for the unicorns.

The Weirdgirl: Did she just say "backdoor crack"? What kind of video is this?

Didactic Pirate: I said this last time we did a Ke$ha song: this sounds the same as every other Ke$ha song.

Chris: Poor unicorn.

CroutonBoy: Finally, the mashup of Tolkien and slutcore I've been dreaming of!

The Weirdgirl: Ah, a pony play/furry video. It's what all the kids are into.

Didactic Pirate: Yikes. Now she can say she knows what horse snot tastes like.

Didactic Pirate: Whoa! That's Dawson! Dude, you really gonna dog around behind Joey's back?

Dufmanno: James VanDer Beek employing the "gentle unicorn shove" to get to where he's going.

Dufmanno: That unicorn is having trouble drinking his champagne. Why is no one fetching him a straw?

CroutonBoy: Shouldn't he be drinking out of a trough or something? That champagne is one second away from being all over his hooves.

Chris: I want a pair of gun shoes.

The Weirdgirl: OMG, pistol pumps and chainmail gauntlets were so cocktail 2007.

Didactic Pirate: Does shy just slide her paychecks DIRECTLY to the guy who invented autotune? Cuz she should.

Chris: I've got to tell you -- unicorn parties look pretty boring. And their house band sucks!

Dufmanno: Van Der Beek whips out his black plastic pocket comb a la 1976.

Chris: Nice going, Fonzie!

CroutonBoy: If I were a director I would have called for a horse brush here, not a comb.

Dufmanno: Why does Kesha keep making a gun with her fingers? And again I'll say that she has mud splatters on her face.

A Vapid Blonde: I agree with Dufmanno. It's either mud or her tanning sprayer got all gooped up. She looks dirty and not in a good way.

CroutonBoy: And that, children, is how you capture the unicorn's soul.

Dufmanno: You know what? I thought I could be objective and just watch this without getting angry but I cannot. Bestiality? A unicorn with an eyepatch? KILL ME!

Daddy Geek Boy: I thought they said no mythological animals were harmed. But one had to make out with Ke$ha.

The Weirdgirl: Damn, Ke$ha! What do you do when you get near a carousel?

The Weirdgirl: Hey Van Der Beek, I just did made it with your ex.

A Vapid Blonde: I would never lick those fingers. She probably picked the unicorn's nose with them.

CroutonBoy: "I hate sleeves!"

Dufmanno: James! That is a perfectly good tuxedo and you ripped the arms RIGHT OFF!

Didactic Pirate: Sorry Van der Beek, if you're trying to bring the Smolder, I just don't think it's gonna happen for you.

A Vapid Blonde: Well that is a very dramatic way to take off your clothes. I'm going to try that tonight when I get home.

CroutonBoy: Wait, correction. That's Hulk Hogan's move.

A Vapid Blonde: Nice pelvic thrusts there, James Van Der Beek. I'm sorry but you forgot your white man's overbite.

CroutonBoy: All I hear listening to this song is European police sirens.

CroutonBoy: Really, James? A man-sierre? A bro?

CroutonBoy: Something tells me that was her facial expression throughout high school.

Dufmanno: I hate her. And I hate this video.

Dufmanno: Ke Dollar sign Uh. Thank you Van Der Beek for bringing me back from the brink.

The Weirdgirl: Munster? Then they've already resorted to cannibalism.

CroutonBoy: I swear that interchange was identical to my first conversation with my future wife, which coincidentally also happened at a unicorn party. Or was it a centaur party?

CroutonBoy: Oh snap! Gunfight at Rainbow Brite's kegger!

Didactic Pirate: I thought they were going to have an actual dance-off. But no: laser tag!

The Weirdgirl: Why aren't those unicorns stampeding all over Ke$ha's ass about now?

Didactic Pirate: Mass unicorn-icide! Nooooooooo!

Daddy Geek Boy: I never knew that rainbows killed unicorns. You learn something new every day.

Chris: Yeah, I always thought the only that could kill unicorns was turning eleven years old.

Dufmanno: I'm back in the dark place. Anything special that I've ever felt in my heart for unicorns rainbows or mythical creatures has been destroyed. Thanks you talentless hack.

CroutonBoy: Someone should tell the Irish Rovers that their song was inaccurate. It wasn't Noah and the flood... it was laser tag.

CroutonBoy: I wish James' agent had told him that this video was the last work he would get for his "acting." Next stop, Skating With the Stars.

A Vapid Blonde: Is it possible to hate unicorns because I am pretty sure that is how I feel about them now. I am driving straight to my parents house and trashing my entire unicorn collection. Which is vast.

CroutonBoy: Some film school sophomore got a C- on this assignment.

Didactic Pirate: Except for the song part, I officially love everything about this video.

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