To The Max

I just don't get the maxi dress. Or maybe it's just that it's done wrong so often. There are some great long dresses out there, but this whole maxi dress thing... the idea behind it is you can be casual and breezy AND glamorous. And something about it being flattering (?), too, but so often it just seems to scream, "I didn't shave today!"

In this dress everyone will be sure to focus on my tiny head! (And not the secret pregnancy I've been hiding.) Eyes up here, mister!

Who needs a boat when you have a sail?

Ooh, the sexy depressed Roman look! "OK, honey, I'll go to another Bacchanalian orgy with you but next time can't we just go to the vomitorium?"

OK, how many times do we have to go over this, people? Any circular design on top of, surrounding, or in the general vicinity of the female lady bits is just wrong. JUST WRONG! (Jeez, it's like a giant bullseye announcing, "I have a va-jay-jay!")

Secret agent who just escaped from a militant sect's monastery where she was deep undercover? Or a woman who just gave up? You decide.

And finally, the Harry Potter edition. Don't make them mad or they'll pull their wands out of those fanny packs. The very expensive Dolce & Gabbana fanny packs.

If you ever see me in one of these numbers, just know I'm not trying to be chic... I just didn't shave.

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