The Canyons is Already My Favorite Movie Of All Time

Sometimes I feel like films are made to satisfy the mindless drones of America, who will ingest anything based on a child's toy or breakfast cereal. Once in awhile, a film is produced that seems to be custom made for me. And that film is The Canyons.

Firstly, it is written by Bret Easton Ellis, the '80s Wunderkind who introduced the world to making literature out of the lives of emotionally empty, morally corrupt, disgustingly rich youth with the novels Less Than Zero and American Psycho. Ellis's work is not for the weak of soul or the weak of stomach, but it is brilliant and oft imitated, although not successfully. His later novels have not garnered the same critical success, but Ellis has taken his gift of the word to Twitter, where he shares many of his unpopular opinions and blunt critique of today's culture. He's like a bitchy version of This American Life.

Many have tried to adapt Ellis's novels into films, but it is a nearly impossible feat. (Rules Of Attraction was the most accurate adaptation but completely underrated and misunderstood.) For The Canyons, Ellis is writing the screenplay; this is his first. Instead of going the route of a major studio, he and director Paul Schrader have jumped on the Kickstarter bandwagon to raise funds. According to the Kickstarter, the film "documents five twenty-something's quest for power, love, sex and success in 2012 Hollywood." Sounds like the perfect job for Bret Easton Ellis.

And in one of the most exciting Hollywood casting announcements, he tweeted that Linsday Lohan and James Deen have been cast as two of the leads. To me, this was like Christmas, Hannukah, my birthday, and Labor Day all in one for me.

First of all, I have made it my life's work to defend Lindsay Lohan. I am about two DUIs away from making a YouTube video where I scream "Leave Lindsay alone!" Seriously, don't people realize that she has such a troubled life because the public keeps crapping all over her? She can't win. If she puts herself in rehab, there's scorn. Her every move is criticized, not to mention that her horrible excuses of human beings, her parents, have been exploiting her fame and using her as a pawn in their own pursuits. I know Lindsay has talent; we all loved Mean Girls. She just needs the right role, the right part, and she'll have an indie comeback bigger than Travolta in Pulp Fiction. This role is perfect for her. She's LIVED it. And Ellis wrote the role with her in mind. This is it, guys. You're about to take back all the Lindsay hate.

Many of you probably haven't heard of James Deen. Those of you that have... wink, wink. That's because he's never starred in a mainstream film. However, he's starred in over two hundred and counting adult films. The adult film industry has generally not paid attention to who they cast as men, as long as they are up for the job. (Pun intended.) However, Deen has a hell of a lot of charisma, and women especially have been taking note; he’s even been called porn's "Boy Next Door." He is a performer in every bit of the word. I won't go into too much detail, but ladies, he has some great skills. He also has a look that makes him unique: how often in adult films do you see a somewhat skinny Jewish guy? In real life, he'd be the one building the camera, not in front of it. Turns out he's quite the awesome guy as well. This is also the perfect role for him, and rumor has it that Bret Easton Ellis wrote the role specifically for him. Not surprising, Ellis tweets about his crush on Deen almost constantly.

I'm still fangirling out about this trifecta of awesomeness, and the end result, which will be a film definitely worth seeing. I did not yet mention that Paul Schrader directed Raging Bull and Taxi Driver, so he's not too shabby. I love films about the trials and tribulations of the rich and beautiful of Hollywood, and this one is almost too good to be true.

In my flurry of excitement, I am about one click away from purchasing the $100 dollar Kickstarter perk of attending the premiere with the cast and crew. Me, Bret, James and Linds would have so much to talk about.

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