Don't You Mean Dancing With THE STAR?

So yesterday they announced the "stars" that will be contestants on the upcoming season of Dancing With The Stars and truthfully, it looks like every other cast that's come before it. But I might actually watch it this season. Why? Because in addition to the usual lot of a Real Housewife Of Something Or Another, a Disney princess, and several athletes, DWTS also had the genius to cast this man:



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Ke$ha Fellates A Cannoli, "Baby Birds" Customers/Friends, And Scars Everyone For Life

MTV, it's like I don't even know you anymore.

Here's a teaser for Ke$ha's upcoming MTV series, Ke$ha: My Crazy Beautiful Life:

Ke$ha: My Crazy Beautiful Life
Get More:
Ke$ha: My Crazy Beautiful Life, Full Episodes

I blame Snooki.

Is American Idol Fake?

Sean Klitzner thinks the judges are merely puppets. Here's his rationale:



What do you think? Is he right? Are they receiving off-screen instructions? Or are they merely bored and glancing off-screen?

[Cue the conspiracy theory music]

Sex House: A Perfect Reality Show Parody

It's been twenty years since the first season of The Real World ("Are you a drug dealer? Why do you have a beeper?”) and pop culture has jumped on the reality show bandwagon and has vowed to never get off until the end of time, it seems. It's surprising that two of the best reality show parodies have only just come about this year. Earlier this year, Ken Marino starred in the Ben Stiller-produced Burning Love, a fantastic and spot-on parody of The Bachelor franchise.



I only recently became aware of the web series, Sex House, produced by The Onion Digital Studios. I know, right? Did you even know that The Onion had a network? Sex House is a mock reality show about people living in a house, and true to The Onion's abilities to produce brilliant satire, are there for simply the role reason to have sex for the camera. After all, once you strip away the pretense of a reason or competition, that's what these trashy shows are for, obviously.

Icon: Our Interview With Flavor Flav

Fact: Public Enemy is the greatest and most important rap group of all time. In a two-year period, they put out not one, but two classic albums in It Takes A Nation Of Millions To Hold Us Back and Fear Of A Black Planet.

These days, more people may know Public Enemy hype man Flavor Flav as a roastee (Comedy Central Roast Of Flavor Flav), published author (Flavor Flav: The Icon The Memoir), and reality TV star (The Surreal Life, Strange Love, Flavor Of Love). This evening, he's opening Flavor Flav's House Of Flavor, a soul food restaurant in Las Vegas. But first, he dropped by and spoke with us about the restaurant, his upcoming reality TV show, his and Public Enemy's legacy, the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame, and his clocks.

How's it going today?
Yo, man! Everything's going great, man. So far, so good. Slow motion's better than no motion, baby.

Tell us about Flavor Flav's House Of Flavor restaurant.
Flavor Flav's House Of Flavor is gonna be a takeout restaurant on Maryland Parkway right here in Las Vegas. Yes, it has my signature and famous fried chicken on the menu and also we've got some good sides: collard greens, macaroni and cheese, rice and gravy, mashed potatoes and gravy. My partner that I teamed up with, his name is Farrah Gray and he's also my book publisher, added a red velvet waffle to the menu. That red velvet waffle, I've been told, is out of sight!

Will the restaurant have any of your memorabilia inside?
It sure will. Right now, we got a bunch of pictures of me hanging up and stuff. Also, we got some video footage of Public Enemy playing inside the restaurant. I'll probably go to my archives and pull out some clocks and probably put some clocks up on the wall, too.

Celebrity Wife Swap: Tell Me If "I Wanna Swap" Kills Your Soul

Celebrity Wife Swap debuted Monday night. Like the name implies, it involves celebrities trading their wives (or husbands). But I don't think you get them all day, if you catch my drift.

Monday night's episode feature Carnie Wilson and Mike Seaver's sis, Tracey Gold. Tuesday night's episode featured Gary Busey and former evangelist Ted Haggard. While I haven't watched the show, I do think I'll be tuning in next week to see Public Enemy's Flavor Flav swap wives with Twisted Sister's Dee Snider. Because that will be some rock 'n' roll magic right there, kids.

That said, a little piece of me died while watching the following promo for the series:

Update #1: The video has been removed from YouTube, ABC, Hulu, Dailymotion, Metacafe -- basically, name the venue, it's gone.

Update #2: It has been removed from every location, save one: ABC has forgotten to remove it from their Facebook page.

So why did ABC pull the plug on the video? Maybe it's the lyrics, which are a shameful parody of Twisted Sister's "I Wanna Rock:"

Chorus
I wanna swap! (Swap!)
I wanna swap! (Swap!)
I want to swap! (Swap!)
I wanna swap! (Swap!)
I want to swap! (Swap!)

You got a wife you say?
Well all I got to say to you
If you take my wife then I'll take yours
By the way does she do chores?

You wanna swap you say?
Well all I got to say to you
ABC has got the perfect show
So let's go! Go, go, go!

'Cause if you want to pull the spousal switcheroo
There's only one show that can make it come true

Repeat Chorus 1,000,000X

Or maybe it's the video, which is a shameless parody of Twisted Sister's "I Wanna Rock" video. It even has Mark Metcalf! But Dee didn't show up. Instead, we're stuck with a third-rate Dee Snider impersonator. And a fifth-rate Dee Snider little person impersonator.

Here are some stills in case they yank the video from Facebook:

Roseanne's Nuts

I had heard a few months back that Roseanne Barr had a nut farm in Hawaii. Did I think it was odd? Oh yeah.

Odd enough for a reality TV show?

Definitely.

In a day and age where we're asked to check out the exploits of a group of nobodies from New Jersy, why can't Roseanne have her own show, too?

Roseanne's Nuts debuts on Lifetime on July 13th at 9:00 PM. Here's the trailer:

The Greatest Show On Television Returns Wednesday Night

I can only be talking about one thing:

TV Preview: Heavy

A&E, the network that brought us Intervention and Hoarders, is now doing for the morbidly obese what it's done for addicts and obsessive-compulsives with its new series Heavy.

Those folks have cornered the market on neatly bound, one-hour docudramas, have they not? And Heavy doesn't deviate from the formula. Each episode profiles two people whose health is threatened by their weight -- we're talking people weighing in between 400 and 700 pounds -– and follows them on their journey to transform their overweight Before selves to healthier, thinner After shots.

Is the show a game, like The Biggest Loser? No. A&E doesn't play like that. Does it take psychological illness and turn it into a compulsively watchable sideshow? Thankfully not. Heavy treats its subjects respectfully, like humans, rather than carnival freaks.

The premiere episode follows Tom, 37, who initially weighs in at 638 pounds, and Jodi, 36, whose extreme weight has already resulted in a minor stroke. Photos of a young Tom show he was an active, thin kid. Now, he can't walk five steps without losing his breath. Jodi claims the mantle of Funny Fat Girl by showing the contents of her fridge to the cameras, and calling the supersize jug of Ranch dressing "the fat girl's staple."

A&E continues to do what it does best: turn long, difficult recoveries into dramatic-yet-tidy one-hour bites. Tom and Jodi are working towards a goal: to live longer by shedding pounds. It's hard. They almost give up. They see a therapist or a trainer, and try again. They almost give up again. We're led to wonder: will they lose the weight? Will they gain it back? Will the overwrought music that surges every time someone steps onto a scale just freaking stop, already?

The good news of this premiere episode is that after six months of hardcore therapy and exercise, Tom and Jodi do come out the other side happier, healthier, and yes, somewhat thinner. We get our After shots.

But compressing six months into one hour means there's a lot we don't see, of course. We're told that Jodi has a toxic mother who laughs at her when she attempts to exercise, but we only hear about how Jodi had to kick Mom out of the house during the interview after the fact. We don't see the big fight. At one of Tom's check-ups after initially losing 50 pounds, we learn that he's gained it all back, plus 30 more. But we're not there with him in his house when he backslides and binges on fried food. So a lot of Tom's and Jodi's journey is relayed second-hand. Which makes it less real, and more... compact.

Heavy could be a sobering look at a national epidemic, if it just slowed down. Instead, it's too invested in the quick, one-hour road to a happy ending with a bow on top.

Heavy premieres on A&E tonight, Monday Jan 17th, at 10 PM ET.

Hollywood Is Just Getting Ridiculous 3: The Revenge

It seems the people running Hollywood these days spent a lot of time pumping quarters into arcades in the 80s. On the heels of yesterday's news about a movie based on a certain trackball arcade game in the works, comes today's earth-shattering announcement that the most famous 8-bit icon of the first video game era has a project in development.

Pac-Man is on his way to our TV screens--in a reality show!

The show will follow the yellow, pellet-eating dude and his feminist wife, Mrs. Pac-Man, as they try to rebound their careers in the modern age.

Actually, details of the show are limited, but it seems that Pac-Man: The Series might be some sort of Wipeout-inspired game show. Which still doesn't quite tell us much.

What it does mean is that Hollywood has not yet tapped the mine of our childhood memories for ideas.

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Editor's Note: I think the only way this series has any chance for survival is if SHE is involved. --Chag

Dave Navarro Gets Grounded

Oh boy! Check it out. Here is an unaired pilot that's been sitting on the shelves for five years for MTV's Grounded, a show where celebrities would spend a few days back at home with their parents as "normal" people while the camera follows them around. The filmed pilot stars Jane's Addiction's Dave Navarro. It shows him going to Costco and McDonald's (Celebrities! Just like us!) and babysitting his five- and eight-year-old brothers.

TV Preview: The Peacemaker: L.A. Gang Wars

I'm thinking that a job that requires a bulletproof vest is one that I'm not willing to take on, but for Malik Spellman this is his way of life. Having been in jail, around gangs, and having lost a good number of his friends as a result of gang violence, he has dedicated his life to ending gang violence. A bulletproof vest is just part of Malik's work uniform.

When a pregnant woman is shot to death, gang mediator Malik is brought in to try to ease the tensions between two rival gangs, The Mansfield Crips and The Playboy Crips, in the first episode of The Peacemaker: L.A. Gang Wars. Malik, through a series of meetings with each of the gang leaders, arranges a meeting to facilitate communications between the two gangs but in the process, one of the gang members actually gets shot and ends up in the ER with a bullet wound to his chest.

As a camera crew follows Malik around, we catch rare glimpses of what gang life is all about and the apathy that surrounds this life of violence. Hearing one member say that he doesn't care if he lives or dies is a small peek into the hopelessness that perpetuates the violence.

As tension mounts during the meet-up between the two gangs, the member that was shot shows up to the meeting in an effort to send out the message that shooting their own will never end in anything but violence, bringing the two sides together.

I think it's going to be interesting to watch how these peoples lives unfold. With executive producer Ice-T on board, The Peacemaker: L.A. Gang Wars looks like it's going to be an honest and gritty look into the daily life of being a gang member.

The Peacemaker: L.A. Gang Wars premieres Thursday night, December 16th, at 10:00 PM ET on A&E.

TV Preview: Gene Simmons Family Jewels, "Past Demons"

Let's just dispense with any kind of charade that would have me seeming impartial while watching and reviewing this soon-to-be-aired episode because I spent the better part of four years dressed as Ace Frehley and pretending "Beth" was written specifically with me in mind. Forget that my name is Kelly, it was some sort of secret rock and roll pig Latin love code as far as I was concerned.

Put all that aside for a moment and listen to me tell you that this was an exceptional episode that centered around family and its true importance.

Appropriately named "Past Demons," this installment finds our matriarch and patriarch, Shannon and Gene, wondering exactly HOW well any child can really know a parent, especially ones that have spent the better part of their lives in what from the outside appears to be an unconventional manner: rock and roll, Playboy, bombastic thrills, and world domination.

They sit for numerous talks with the stunningly normal and well adjusted Sophie and Nick (the aforementioned offspring), who seem to accept and fully understand their unique parentage while embracing every strange thing that comes with it.

We see old family film footage of the kids frolicking with Grandma and then cut directly to Gene on the CBS lot getting ready to go head-to-head with Kirk, I mean William Shatner on The Shatner Show.

What?

I had NO IDEA he had a talk show!

Anyway, there is some insignificant but funny dialogue between these two about underwear color and then they suddenly switch gears to Gene's Hungarian mother who Gene credits for all his success in life and whose motto is "every day above ground is a good day." This statement takes on a whole new meaning and great weight when it is revealed that she spent a large portion of her childhood trying to survive a concentration camp.

Just as I was blinking away the shock of this revelation they cut right to the KISS mega jet on its way to play to sold out audiences in Europe and giving fake names at the front desk. Shannon, who I love by the way, laments about the other times she's been to Europe, complaining that she actually got to see nothing but the venue doors and the hotel room.

They tour the city of Amsterdam and she attempts a roundhouse kick to Gene's head before suggesting a two-person bike tour through the beautiful cobblestone streets of the city. They stop short in the red light district before Shannon forcibly removes Gene's face from the window of a local brothel and drags him back to the hotel only to meet a young boy (and mega fan) who ends up having more in common with Gene and his mother than anyone could guess.

This kid takes them on a real tour and reveals to Gene that he would like to interview him for a school project and Simmons happily obliges him. The last stop is the Anne Frank House. That is where I saw a side of this rock and roll icon that really touched me. He burst into tears upon seeing the final photos of the young Anne Frank before she went into hiding and I was struck by how much time and care he spent learning her whole heartbreaking story.

They visit Steven's home and his family and we hear about their horrible Holocaust tales, one more heart-wrenching than the next, and after talking about how even though his life is an open book, Gene says he still feels obligated to protect his mother by not speaking about this nightmarish chapter in her life.

Still, the family's honesty and kindness persuades him to open up and share an emotionally powerful memory that really drives home the idea that the lessons from the past really can help us from making the same mistakes in the future and that EVERYONE has a story and a history that bears repeating. He paid proper homage to his vivacious and loving mother with this powerful episode.

It is, however, a show about Gene and his crazy ass-shenanigans so of course we then cut to the sold out madhouse concert in Amsterdam where his new friend Steven is the special guest in the front row.

I'm going to dispense with the snark here and say that I don't think I've ever been quite so touched by a reality show. Yeah, I know a lot of these things are scripted to a degree but I've got to admit his kids and family seem really genuine to me. You can see how much he loves them and they him.

Watch this episode if for nothing else than to see the inspiring stories of survival and Gene's awesome life affirming mom.

The sixth season of Gene Simmons Family Jewels premieres Sunday night, December 5th, at 9:00 PM ET on A&E with the "Past Demons" episode.

TV Preview: Strange Days With Bob Saget

Scientists predict that by the year 2018, every American citizen over the age of thirty will have starred in at least one reality series. Ok, I made that up. But you believed it for a second, didn't you?

Bob Saget, star of Full House and the original host of America's Funniest Home Videos, is the latest celebrity to throw his hat into the reality ring with Strange Days With Bob Saget, which premieres Tuesday night on A&E. But you know what sets Strange Days With Bob Saget apart from the usual celebrity-driven reality fare?

It's actually pretty good.

Strange Days With Bob Saget follows Saget as he spends a week at a time with different subcultures. We previewed the episodes where he spent time with Bigfoot hunters and a biker club. During the former, he spends time with members from the Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization in Olympic National Park in Washington. Being an amateur cryptozoologist myself, I really enjoyed the episode, even when Saget was making fun of the Bigfoot hunters.

But the episode depicting his week with a motorcycle gang was the standout. It was funny and touching, showing that the series has a chance to be more than just your average celebrity-out-of-water fare.

You can tell Saget's really in his element among the bikers. I mean, he doesn't even stick out in this photo, right?



Saget spent the week as a probate with the hopes of joining the Iron Order motorcycle club, a group that parties and rides hard. Saget traveled 1,500 miles in a motorcycle sidecar, hung out with people named Peckerwood, Pacman, Stiffy and the club's president, Izod, and got coffee and other beverages for the club's members. During the week, Saget was able to attend a wedding between two Iron Order members and a memorial service for a member who was killed by a drunk driver.

While Saget makes jokes and displays his classic deadpan wit throughout the episode, you don't feel that he disrespects the bikers. Possibly because he's afraid they'd kick his ass.

In the end, Saget seems genuinely moved by his week with the bikers. It's the mixture of Saget's humor and sincerity, along with the interesting subcultures covered (I can't wait to see the one about professional wrestling), that makes Strange Days With Bob Saget worth watching.

Strange Days With Bob Saget premieres Tuesday, November 30th at 10 PM on A&E.

SmackTalk: David Hasselhoff's The Hasselhoffs

Hello and welcome to Smacktalk, where each week we attack mock critique a music video or movie trailer. This week, we're taking a look at the promo for David Hasselhoff's upcoming A&E reality TV show, The Hasselhoffs. Hope ya love it!

Jenny: I'm glad I wasn't in San Diego at 12:30.

Archphoenix: THERE IS A BUS THAT SAYS "THE HASSELHOFFS?!"

Daddy Geek Boy: Having bore witness to this event, I feel it my duty to expose a few of the myths of this clip.

Jenny: Hoff-head on stick. Keep it classy, San Diego!

A Vapid Blonde: Hoff-head on a stick, it's like a corn dog but not as tasty. This is getting ugly already.

Dufmanno: Germans love David Hasselhoff. I had to get that in there.

Daddy Geek Boy: They closed down the street for this. Twice.

Dufmanno: Baywatch Babes and Dudes doing the "robot" to the "Knight Rider" theme is pure genius. This is increasing exponentially in the awesome category.

A Vapid Blonde: Young Hollywood wannabees will do anything. ANYTHING. I wouldn't be caught dead in that outfit.

Daddy Geek Boy: Amazingly, those Baywatch guys happened to be walking by. They're not a part of this promotion.

Chag: It's Rex Manning Day!

Dufmanno: Is the name of this song "Jump in my Car?" Are those Octoberfest maidens? So much is happening!

A Vapid Blonde: His blazer wouldn't be made of wet baby seal pelts, now would it?

Chag: Dick Van Patten is not amused.

Daddy Geek Boy: This guy's reaction? Yeah, that was pretty much mine too.

Chag: Ok. What's up with the pirate motorcycle gang?

Archphoenix: Oh my God it's a live performance medley of all of Hoff's greatest YouTube videos. "Jump in My Car" and "Hooked On A Feeling" - best performance EVER!

A Vapid Blonde: Butt crack.

A Vapid Blonde: Motorboat.

Jenny: No. I'll take THAT young fella. Yum.

Dufmanno: I keep getting hit with so much visually I'm having trouble climbing out from underneath the onslaught. This is the musical feel good public extravaganza of the year. Look at his enthusiasm with not one hint of snark!

Jenny: You are NOT high on a feelin'. Bull crap, Hoff.

Daddy Geek Boy: Seriously, a few blocks away the car from Green Hornet was getting more attention.

Jenny: OH MY GOSH. He really thinks people are in love with him! He IS high!

A Vapid Blonde: Shouldn't he be rolling around shirtless on a shag carpet eating a cheeseburger? That's the Hoff I love.

Chag: "Get Hoffed" was always one of my favorite Prince songs.

Archphoenix: Damn, no "Secret Agent Man" or "Don't Hassel the Hoff?" WEAK.

Dufmanno: I'm so getting Hoffed. And by the way don't pretend that you didn't LOVE this!

Chag: I'm getting Hoffed too! I can't wait until his city tour bus service comes to my town!

Archphoenix: Chag, I'd pay for that bus ride.

Daddy Geek Boy: Believe it or not, this was not the strangest thing I saw at Comic Con.

Jenny: You know what's sad? I really want to watch the trainwreck. Badly.

Vince Neil Is On Thin Ice

For those of you who might have missed the news, Motley Crue frontman Vince Neil will be one of the six contestants on ABC's new series, Skating With The Stars. The guy once known for belting out "Girls, Girls, Girls" to sold-out arenas will now be ice skating for Middle America.

How the mighty have fallen.

But it really shouldn't surprise anyone.

Gene Simmons has own show. Dee Snider, too. Sebastian Bach's been on several. Bret Michaels has about ten of them. Steven Tyler is now a judge on American Idol. Ozzy started the trend.

So for this week's Your Say Hump Day, we'd like to know which washed-up rockstar you'd want to see star in his or her own reality show. Have your say in the comments!

As for me, the answer's pretty obvious: I can't figure out for the life of me why someone hasn't given David Lee Roth his own show. I want my Dave TV!

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Conan Makes Me All Kinds Of Hot

Like so many before him, Conan O'Brien is using '80s nostalgia to sell you something. Check out the new promo for his upcoming TBS show:



Well played, Coco. Well played.

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Who Needs Miley? Billy Ray Cyrus Has Plenty Of Other Kids

If you thought you'd be free of Billy Ray Cyrus's charms once Hannah Montana ended, think again. Billy Ray will be teaming up with another one of his children, Trace, for an upcoming SyFy paranormal show. Yes, the channel that creates flicks like Mega Python vs. Gatoroid and plenty of other paranormal shows (Destination Truth, Fact Or Faked: Paranormal Files, and about 16 different Ghost Hunters shows) is giving Miley's Daddy a show.

The show's name? UFO: Unbelievably Freakin' Obvious.

Unbelievably Freakin' Awesome is more like it!

The show will follow Cyrus & Cyrus as they look at paranormal cover-ups and conspiracy theories.

But what we want to know today is which musician would you like to see star in his or her own paranormal show? Have your say in the comments!

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The Best Show You Haven't Been Watching This Summer: Huge

Given that Huge was created by Winnie Holzman, the brains behind the equally acclaimed but critically doomed, My So-Called Life, I knew it would be a winner -- and it would be criminally overlooked.

Huge, which stars Nikki Blonksy of Hairspray fame, and Haley (daughter of David) Hasselhoff as teens holed away at a summer weight loss camp, has all the nuance and "realness" of Holzman's '90s show (minus the flannel and bad music) and, let's hope, more staying power. From the official website:

"Funny, heartbreaking and provocative, Huge follows the lives of seven teens and the staff at a weight-loss camp, as they look beneath the surface to discover their true selves and the truth about each other."

The two-part finale begins tonight on ABC Family at 9 ET, but you can watch the previous episodes online in their entirety.

TV Review: VH1's Money Hungry

VH1's Money Hungry is a reality TV show that pits ten pairs of overweight contestants against each other to see who can lose the most weight. Yeah, you've heard this song before. But what makes this different from other weight-loss shows like The Biggest Loser is, in addition to not having that scary intense Jillian on their show, you put your money where your mouth is on Money Hungry. The winning team will receive $100,000 at the end of the series, but each team had to put up $10,000 of their own money to appear on the show.

Genius move, VH1! Way to cut down on the production costs!

If you think the team that loses the least amount of weight is the one that goes home each week, you've never seen a show on VH1 before. There is a competition, some sort of physical challenge, and the team that loses this event is placed on the chopping block. The remaining teams then vote for another team to join the event's loser on the chopping block. The team on the chopping block that loses the smaller percentage of weight is the team that goes home.

Like a lot of VH1's reality shows, there are certain contestants that seem to be on the show just to be in front of a camera. But like a lot of VH1's reality shows, Money Hungry still rocks. While it's the television equivalent of junk food, it's still pretty satisfying.