I Need A Monster Hunter. NOW!

Before I begin, realize this: I love monsters. But I'm sick of the monster/classic literature mash-ups. I spent ten minutes on Amazon and found the following titles that can be purchased or pre-ordered (and I'm sure I missed a few):
  • Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and Zombie Jim
  • Alice in Zombieland
  • Android Karenina
  • Emma and the Werewolves
  • Little Vampire Women
  • Little Women and Werewolves
  • Jane Slayre
  • Mansfield Park and Mummies
  • Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
  • Robin Hood and Friar Tuck: Zombie Killers
  • Romeo & Juliet & Vampires
  • Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters
  • The Undead World of Oz
  • The War of the Worlds Plus Blood, Guts and Zombies
It's monster porn fan fiction run amok. And it needs to be stopped!

But there's something even more disturbing than the zombies, vampires, and monsters that are rampaging through classic literature. Last week, I learned that Hollywood has optioned the rights to Paul Is Undead, an upcoming novel which paints the Fab Four as zombies and Mick Jagger as a zombie hunter.

I'll admit I am intrigued by the premise of the book/movie. It sounds like something I would thoroughly enjoy. But I'm going to try my best to stay away from it.

Why? I'm afraid of what its success might bring.

Look, we've already got Queen Victoria: Demon Hunter and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter out there. You can also add a novel from the the '90s that I enjoyed, The Last Days Of Christ The Vampire by J.G. Eccarius.

What do these four titles have in common? They depict historical figures as monsters or monster hunters.

We need to cut off this genre's head. Stick a wooden stake in its heart.


First of all, success breeds imitation. We'll be inundated with titles like Iggy Pop: Mummy, John F. Kennedy: Kraken, Kurt Cobain: Cyclops, Tiger Woods: Griffin, and Eminem: School Teacher.

But the thing that scares me is the possibility of fiction morphing into fact. Centuries from now, anthropologists are going to find remnants of our civilization. Do you really want them piecing together our history via Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and Paul Is Undead?

I'm telling you, it's going to happen.

Listen to me.

Before it's too late!

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