Hello and welcome to SmackTalk, where we
Dufmanno: I can already tell that this video will have educational value or historical significance.
Jett Superior: Yes. Abe Lincoln is the epitome of hotness.
Archphoenix: There is nothing "so hot" about this shirtless Napolean.
A Vapid Blonde: Napolean reminds me of just about every *lady* I dealt with this summer. Pursing his lips and showing off his... chesticles.
Jett Superior: Nope, never wanted to see the bare torso of Napoleon Bonaparte. Or one of his unattractive lookalikes.
Chris: Is this Point Break?
Didactic Pirate: No, it's the cheapest group of Chippendale's dancers ever.
Didactic Pirate: I take it back. It's the perviest history lesson ever.
Jett Superior: So far the best thing about this video is those yellow leather legwarmers.
Didactic Pirate: Does anyone else think she looks like a slutty Charlize Theron? Little bit?
Dufmanno: She was very dismissive of Jesus. That’s going to have grave consequences later on in this video when he smites her.
Archphoenix: Ladies, despite what Lady Gaga has taught us, underwear is NOT "walking around" clothing. It breaks my heart too, but pants are required for life.
Chris: Ladies, do not listen to Archphoenix.
Dufmanno: Why can’t I shake the feeling that she is going for a dime store version of Evan Rachel Wood but she’s falling dangerously short of that goal? Also? There is a garden gnome at this mythical creatures' office meeting.
Jett Superior: I can't believe that one single person on set didn't rip those arms from you people and beat you with them.
Weirdgirl: Do you notice how the guys are super hot but the girls are only cute and briefly on screen? Someone is insecure about sharing her spotlight.
Archphoenix: So she rips off a guy's arm, dances around it like it's a stripper pole, and it's the dummy arm that's being naughty?
Jett Superior: Yellow leather legwarmers still the best thing about this video.
Chris: FIRE CROTCH!
Weirdgirl: There's Vagisil for that. Unless it's a new method for treating crabs. Oh, BURN!
Jett Superior: You know fire crotch isn't a thing to aspire to, right? Like, it's not laudable?
Didactic Pirate: Ok, that guy does look a *little* like Obama. Which makes me sad that this video gig may be the pinnacle of his impersonation career.
Weirdgirl: This chick has a very strange idea of what will fly in America.
Chris: This is the worst porno ever.
Archphoenix: Oooh, rocket boots! I wonder if Gaga has those?
Dufmanno: I’m getting patriotic presidential overtones here again.
Weirdgirl: YES!! She's leaving!
Jett Superior: Oh good. Maybe like a real rocket the parts will separate and most will be destroyed on re-entry.
Archphoenix: Costume change! Angry red-haired dominatrix Gaga wannabe ACTIVATE!
Didactic Pirate: Ke$ha, meet your low-rent, Yugoslavian cousin.
Chris: This is also the worst bachelor party ever.
Archphoenix: Wait, did bin Laden just pop out of a cake to start dancing with Obama? Oh that is NOT tasty, nor is it yummy.
Didactic Pirate: Party in the War Room! Sweet! Break out the Jager shots!
Weirdgirl: Am I the only one who feels like this is one long extended video of Village People wannabes?
Jett Superior: The 'so-so-so hot' subliminal riff is not working on me. I think you're a doofus being bounced around by actors working for scale.
Weirdgirl: Worst. Career move. Ever.
Jett Superior: I want to see the yellow leather legwarmers again.
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