Robert Pattinson, We Need to Talk

Stop glowering at me like
that. You are making it hard
to concentrate.
I recently wrote a scathing, no-holds-barred exposé of my inability to resist the frothy vampire teen romance novel Twilight and all of its pitfalls. Along with the shame of exposing myself and my continued downward spiral, I am now ten dollars poorer and four rungs lower on the respect ladder that I'd been trying to ascend.

Yes, a thousand dead literature professors rolled collectively in their graves and my Classics teacher is probably having chest pains but whatever. But let's forget all that for a moment and focus instead on grabbing onto the career trajectory of one meteoric star that emerged from all this hoopla.

Robert Pattinson, I need to speak to you about this crossroads you stand at. You see, I like to sometimes intervene on behalf of celebrities whose shiny veneer has faded with time and are behaving badly. YOU are at the pinnacle of your fame and fortune and therefore much too conspicuous to merit a visit or phone call from me personally. That, and you would probably see fit to summon a constable and have me arrested but I digress....

Here's the problem.

I'm seeing a pattern.

Do you know what that means? No? Well, let me tell you.

You've got a basic something, there is no denying that. Raw animal magnetism paired with sex appeal and a scruffy, unwashed, yet not hipster douchebag, likability. That, and you are English. Never underestimate how much undeserved clout an accent commands in Hollywood.

Your slightly more menacing take on Edward during the first Twilight film was admirable and your kissing skills are clearly enough to make a million pairs of underwear hit the floor simultaneously, but we are looking for something more. That something is longevity.

I like to draw a warm and well intentioned comparison to Brad Pitt who I feel evoked similar thoughts with his first big scene in Thelma & Louise. The similarities don't end there. He managed to get himself cast in a popular vampire flick based on an equally beloved book series when he kicked off into uncharted territory. But then Brad saw the handwriting on the wall and pulled an about face. Fight Club with Fincher, 12 Monkeys with Gilliam, etc. Yes, he also did tripe like Legends of the Fall and Seven Years in Tibet, but the point is he mixed it up and his pretty boy image was replaced by that of a guy with chops who wasn't afraid to get dirty, scruffy, and insane.

So here is my advice to you: pull a Brando.

Gain a hundred pounds, keep the full face of mountain man growth you've been sporting, become an eccentric recluse, and buy a whole island near Tahiti. Work with a Danny Boyle, a Fincher, a Scorsese, or a Christopher Nolan. Hell even a Guy Ritchie on a gritty, violent, crime-ridden tale of underworld scum.

Stir the pot.

Play against type.

Gain a reputation for bizarre method acting shenanigans where you spend four weeks in a cave "prepping" for a role with only a family of chimps and Jane Goodall for company.

The line between the fantastic and the mundane is murky and hard to see young fella, so grab your apple and make the most of this insanity while you hold the reigns.

Years from now when you are sitting on your sprawling wraparound porch, you will make a mental note to thank me for taking you gently by the hand and showing you the opposing fates wrestling to overwhelm your future. So, YOU'RE WELCOME and choose wisely, young Padawan.


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