Better Updated Fairy Tale: Once Upon A Time vs. Grimm

Two new shows debuted on TV this month, both claiming to present new twists on fairy tales: Once Upon A Time (Sundays, ABC) and Grimm (Fridays, NBC). Didactic Pirate and The Weirdgirl decided to weigh in to see which show has potential, and which is most likely to vanquished by its Evil Fairy Step-Network.

Didactic Pirate: Ok, my beloved Weirdgirl -- you and I were both psyched to watch the debuts of two new shows that claim to put some new creepy spin action on classic fable and fairy tales. In one corner, we've got Once Upon A Time on ABC, and in the other corner we've got the way darker Grimm on NBC. I definitely found one of them more appealing, by far. How about you?

Weirdgirl: I agree, DP. I was instantly hooked by the energy and tension of Grimm. I also like the characters they're developing. I think Once Upon A Time as a show is taking more risks but to be honest, they almost lost me when they carted out the dwarves.

Didactic Pirate: I agree that any show with actual dwarves faces some real risks. Let's go back, though: both shows take place in the present, but Once Upon A Time seems to be the one that's drawing more from specific fairy tales. The premise is that a single, fairly jaded woman named Emma (Jennifer Morrison, who was on House, right?) is a bailbondsman/person who ends up going to the little town of Storybrooke, Maine, which is populated by fairy tale characters -- literally. Snow White, Prince Charming, Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandmother, Rumplestiltskin, Jiminy Cricket, etc. Except that they all have amnesia and don't know who they really are. They think they're just regular people, with regular towny jobs. Morrison's character has a connection to them, and it looks like she's going to be running around solving mysteries. Like The Case Of The Really Dangerous Spinning Wheel or something, which doesn't really create a lot of suspense for me. So that's one show. How would you describe Grimm?

Weirdgirl: You forgot that Jiminy Cricket isn't actually a cricket anymore, he's a man. That had to be painful

Grimm follows the tried and true path of monster-hunting stories. Think Buffy, Van Helsing, Supernatural. Detective Nick (David Giuntoli) has been seeing things and when his aging auntie shows up out of the blue it turns out -- shocker -- he's descended from a long line of "Grimms." Grimms can see all the big bad wolves, trolls, et al, that are hiding among humanity and they've been profiling them for years in a big book of monsters. As Nick's aunt suffers failing health, he inherits her Grimm ability of sight and the family heritage of hunting the bad ones down. The twist is he's already a police detective so he should be pretty good at it, and that sort of legitimizes him running around shooting random people in the head. Oh wait, that's zombies.

Better Beastie Boys: Paul's Boutique vs. Licensed To Ill

On today's Criss Cross Counter Punch, Mamatulip and Chag debate which was the better Beastie Boys album: Paul's Boutique or Licensed To Ill.

Mamatulip: Whenever I hear the Beastie Boys' "Shake Your Rump," I think of my Mom and the time she came in to my room while I was blasting that song, put her hands on her hips and said, "What on EARTH are you listening to?" To which I replied, "Aw, Mom, you're just jealous! It's the Beas-tie Boys!" and collapsed into a fit of laughter on my bed.

I hear "Shake Your Rump" a lot. Paul's Boutique is one of my Top Ten Favorite Albums of All Time, and it's hands-down my favorite Beasties album ever. Paul's Boutique, for me, is one of those 'soundtrack to your life' albums; it has seen me through some of the best and worst times in my life. Yet it's not just sentimental attachment that has me digging it so much, it's the fact that it is one of the best and most important albums of the '80s, not to mention the Beasties' best album to date.

Chag: Paul's Boutique was a soundtrack to your life, eh? You'll have to tell me about your Egg Man phase some other time.

I get it. Critics have hammered Paul's Boutique into your head and everyone else's, poisoning your minds and making you think it's the best Beastie Boys album. But that honor belongs to Licensed To Ill. It's catchier, rocks harder, and is just more fun. Tell me you didn't spend a drunken high school night (or 200) with your friends sometime in the '80s, belting out "Brass Monkey" or their teenage anthem, "Fight For Your Right?" Licensed To Ill was filled with songs like these, songs that rocked, songs that celebrated youth.

Mamatulip: Oh, I spent many a drunken high school night with my friends belting out tracks from Licensed To Ill. And I totally agree with you – it's catchy, it rocks and it is, without question, a very fun album. But its status as the Beasties' smash debut meant that their next effort had to be twice as good. It had to be proof that they weren't just one-hit wonders, that they were an outfit with substance, and Paul's Boutique was. It's a stronger, more creatively in-depth album than its predecessor, rife with fresh samples, more complex lyrics and a totally unique sound. It's a great follow-up to an amazing debut album; it left no doubt that these three kids from Brooklyn were going to be huge.

Chag: It's a well-known fact that no band releases a second album that's better than their first. That's why they call it the sophomore slump. While Paul's Boutique is a great album and definitely no slump in comparison to other bands' second efforts, it's nowhere near as good as Licensed To Ill. The rock 'n roll, rough-around-the-edges production of Rick Rubin was traded in for the slick Dust Brothers.

Plain and simple, Licensed To Ill rocks harder. The album kicks off with the opening drums from Led Zeppelin's "When The Levee Breaks" in "Rhymin' & Stealin'" and concludes with Creedence Clearwater Revival's "Down By The Corner" on "Time To Get Ill." Paul's Boutique, on the other hand, starts with the very slow build of "To All The Girls" and ends with the twelve-and-a-half minute, wannabe-Abbey-Road-but-not-even-close "B-Boy Bouillabaisse."

Mamatulip: One of the (many) things that makes Paul's Boutique such a brilliant recording is the copious amount of samples laced throughout. Yes, Licensed To Ill has a lot of great riffs, but Paul's Boutique makes up for that in samples. The list is so long I couldn't possibly begin to name them all, but just off the top of my head, there's a bit Elvis Costello's "Pump It Up," the theme from Jaws, Pink Floyd's "One of These Days," The Eagles' "Those Shoes," and a host of rocking Zeppelin and Beatles tracks.

It's not just the samples that are hot on Paul's Boutique - the lyrics, as I mentioned before, are dope. Catchy. Fly. Killer. Call them whatever you want, but the lyrics in these songs, and the way they're delivered, are some of the best the Boys have to offer (and they make great Facebook statuses, if you're the kind of person who likes to post lyrics as statuses like, "Mamatulip's got the girlies in the Coupe like the Colonel's got the chickens.")

Their lyrics also make great answering machine greetings, too - Lloyd Lindsay Young's "It's a trip, it's got a funky beat, and I can BUG OUT to it" on "Mike on the Mic" was my greeting for years and it was all sorts of awesome, especially when my grandmother called.

Chag: You want to know some other kick ass samples featured on Paul's Boutique? Licensed To Ill's "Fight For Your Right" and "The New Style!"

But not only was Licensed To Ill the greatest album the Beasties ever released, it was also one of the most important rap albums ever released. Along with RUN-D.M.C.'s Raising Hell, Licensed To Ill helped introduce rap music to white Middle America, which opened the door for later acts like Public Enemy, Boogie Down Productions, N.W.A., and De La Soul. Who knows where rap would be today if not for the rap/rock hybrid found on Raising Hell and Licensed To Ill.

But if you want rhymes, put this one in your boombox:

"It's never old school, all brand new
So everybody catch the bugaloo flu
Not like a fever, not like a cold
The beats are clear - the rhymes are bold."

I think these lyrics from "Slow And Low" sum up Licensed To Ill rather nicely.

Mamatulip: "Riddle me this brother can you handle it
Your style to my style you can't hold a candle to it
Equinox symmetry and the balance is right
Smokin' and drinkin' on a Tuesday night"

Chag: "I'm a gangster, I'm a prankster, I'm the king of the Ave.
I'm hated, confrontated for the juice that I have."

Mamatulip: "Now rock shocking the mic as many times times the times tables
Rock well to tell dispel all of the old fables
'Cause I've been dropping the new science and kicking the new knowledge
An M.C. to a degree that you can't get in college."

Chag: "Down with Ad-Rock and Mike D. and you ain't
And I got more juice than Picasso got paint
Got rhymes that are rough and rhymes that are slick
I'm not surprised you're on my dick."

Word. So which do you prefer: Paul's Boutique or Licensed To Ill? Have your say in the comments!

Iconic '80s Fashion: Acid Wash vs. Leggings

On this episode of Criss Cross Counter Punch, The Weirdgirl and Mamatulip debate which was the more iconic '80s fashion: acid wash or leggings.

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The Weirdgirl: Flashback to the '80s: you're getting ready for a concert. Maybe your first concert. Maybe a concert with that special someone who doesn't yet know you think he's special. You want to look trendy but with a little edge, like you could hold your own if a throw-down happened, if you weren't already too cool for anyone to mess with. A look that said you thought about it, but not too much. And you especially want the ideal light wash that highlights your derriere to perfection as you dance the night away. So what do you grab?

Acid wash jeans! One of the defining forces of '80s fashion. It was in the '80s that designer jeans really took off, yet jeans still represented the working class and rock and roll rebellion. The look of negligent coolness was in, and almost everyone (even you) fell for it at one point or another. Secretly wearing out your jeans until they were so exquisitely pale you had to sit down carefully behind your grade 10 desk, so you didn't bust out the butt.

The Michelle Pfeiffer Pface-Off: The Fabulous Baker Boys vs. Grease 2

In this episode of Criss Cross Counter Punch, Daddy Geek Boy and A Vapid Blonde debate which movie contained Michelle Pfeiffer's better singing role: The Fabulous Baker Boys or Grease 2.

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Daddy Geek Boy: Let's face it, Michelle Pfeiffer was (and is) a luminous babe that made the '80s just a little bit brighter. But you honestly want to compare her star-making performance in The Fabulous Baker Boys to the drivel called Grease 2? It hardly seems like a fair fight. Everything about TFBB exuded class. It was sleek and stylish and funny and serious. It had a real story and real characters. It had a soul. Not to mention Michelle Pfeiffer in a slinky dress laying on top of a piano. What did Grease 2 have? Screechy pop songs about bowling and reproduction.

Ferris Bueller: Hero or Zero?

On today's Criss Cross Counter Punch, Mamatulip and Chag take a look at Ferris Bueller -- the man, the myth, and the movie -- to determine whether he was a hero or zero.

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Mamatulip: He's a regular high school senior who ditched class in favour of spending a gorgeous spring day painting downtown Chicago red. With his girlfriend, Sloane, and best friend Cameron in tow, he dines at a swanky restaurant, hijacks a parade to perform atop a float, takes in a Cubs game and tours the town in Cameron's father's prized '61 Ferrari GT California. He leads his clueless principal on a clumsy, fruitless chase across town, nearly puts his sister in the clink and, by the end of the day, has most of the town believing he's on his deathbed.

He is a truant, a rebel; he is, without a doubt, the undisputed King of Skipping School. For a little while, he was The Sausage King of Chicago.

He is Ferris Bueller, Hero.

Better Time-Traveling Flick: Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure vs. Back to the Future

Now that the Hot Tub Time Machine has more or less been drained as it limps off movie screens, let's turn our attention to two classic time-traveling franchises. On today's Criss Cross Counter Punch, The Weirdgirl and Archphoenix debate who were the better time traveller(s): Bill & Ted or Marty McFly?

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The Weirdgirl: Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure is pure energy. This immediately makes it the better pick of time travel movies. There are not many movies that can keep you grinning the entire time but Bill & Ted's manages to do it. It doesn't get bogged down in too many subplots or angsty worries about the space-time continuum (yawn) like Back to the Future. It's just plain fun.

I also think it's the more realistic of the two movies. Bill and Ted got mileage out of their time travels. They went to multiple eras. They partied with interesting people. Really, if you had a time machine, would you go back to one time and slouch around whining about your parents for the entire trip then slink back home? Or would you have taken that machine for a real spin as soon as you got it back up and running? Bill and Ted understood the value of the time traveling tool and theirs was the more realistic teenage response: deal with the crisis at hand and look for babes, while also having the time of your life. And no matter how crazy things got you noticed that not once did Bill OR Ted make out with a family member, right? (What's wrong with you Marty?)

Better Film: Pretty in Pink vs. Sixteen Candles

Today we bring you an epic Criss Cross Counter Punch as Tania and Mr. Big Dubya debate which was the better film: Pretty in Pink or Sixteen Candles.

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Tania: Pretty in Pink and Sixteen Candles. Both defining movies of my childhood. Both helped lead me through that bitch called puberty. Both watched eleventy billion times, each, by me. And that's just in the past year.

But though Sixteen Candles may seem to have the obvious edge - humor! Jake Ryan! - I believe Pretty In Pink is, in fact, the superior movie of the two for two reasons - Andie and Duckie. And Steph. Shoot, that's three. Anyway...

Since both movies were Molly Ringwald vehicles, the first is easy to break down. Andie Walsh vs Samantha Baker:

Better Babysitter: Uncle Buck vs. Chris Parker

In today's Criss Cross Counter Punch, A Vapid Blonde and Daddy Geek Boy debate who was the better babysitter: Uncle Buck or Adventures In Babysitting's Chris Parker.

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A Vapid Blonde: Dear Daddy Geek Boy, Seeing as though you have yet to start the great debate I declare a total smack down: UNCLE BUCK WINS! And he is the Best. Baby. Sitter. Ever.

The arguments for Uncle Buck are numerous, from his ability to be there every moment he is needed to making THE MOST AWESOME PANCAKE EVER. He is the guy you want watching your children. As opposed to Chris, whose decision-making capabilities are slim to none.

Should you want to concede here and now I would completely understand.

The ball is in your court.

Tastier Pop Tart: Debbie Gibson vs. Tiffany

Both artists topped the charts twice during their careers. Both artists sold millions of records before they were old enough to vote. Both artists appeared in Playboy. But that's where the similarities end. For today's Criss Cross Counter Punch, Chag and Mamatulip debate who was the tastier pop tart: Debbie Gibson or Tiffany.

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Chag: I don't even know why we're having this discussion. Debbie, excuse me, DEB-O-RAH Gibson was a musician and songwriter. "Only In My Dreams" is three-and-a-half minutes of pure sugary pop perfection. When "Foolish Beat" topped the charts, Gibson became the youngest person ever to write, perform, and produce a Billboard #1 single. She did this before she graduated high school. Tiffany, on the other hand, rose to fame by covering tunes by The Beatles and Tommy James & the Shondells.

When people stopped buying her albums, Debbie Gibson moved onto Broadway. Tiffany, on the other hand, went onto Celebrity Fit Club and Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling. "Could've Been," indeed!

Poet Laureate of New Jersey: Bruce Springsteen vs. Bon Jovi

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