Make It Big: The Troop Beverly Hills Fashion Retrospective

The opening sequence to 1989's Troop Beverly Hills, which follows the '80s cartoon craze previously seen at the start of such movies as Mannequin and Who's That Girl, is set to The Beach Boys song "Make it Big," an apt title considering that the film not only shows how troop leader Phyllis Nefler (Shelley Long) "makes it big" in the world of the Wilderness Girls, but also features fashion as ostentatious and outrageous as it could possibly get in the late '80s.

Before Donna Martin, it was Shelley Long who reigned supreme as the fashion queen of Beverly Hills. Who else could pull off a skirt that looked like a peach foldaway side table? I'm sure her outfits inspired Lady Gaga in some way. Hey, they may have even inspired a young Tori Spelling who was, in fact, in Troop Beverly Hills as a Red Feather sidekick.

So let's take a look back at some of the best Wilderness Girl fashion patches earned by our fearless and fabulous troop leader.

The Amazing Coordination Of Polka Dots Patch

The Purple Patch
Phyllis wore this incredible ensemble to pay a visit to Henri and beg him to customize her Wilderness Girl uniform. I can't even imagine where she was headed to afterwards!

The 'Even A Judge Deems It Stunning' Patch
The judgment passed down to the Theodora Van Runkle design Phyllis wore to the courthouse in relation to her divorce proceedings was glowing, with the judge declaring it "stunning." Sustained!

The Uniform Customization Patch
I assume this showstopper at the cookie drive fashion show was one of Henri's Wilderness Girl uniform reinventions. The outfit epitomizes the troop's reasoning that "just because you're out in the woods, that's no excuse not to look your best. This outfit gets extra brownie points for a headpiece that can be flung off with a triumphant flourish after telling your nemesis that you just sold 4,732 boxes of cookies.

The Shoulder Embellishment Patch
Totally fierce. Phyllis means business.

The Animal Print Patch
Sheer zebra print for light gardening work? Yes!

Stephanie Beacham as the Jackie Collins-inspired character Vicki Sprantz earns an animal print patch too.

The Pastel Patch
This is the dress that Phyllis wears when her estranged husband Freddy starts to see her in a new light, telling her that she looks "great... softer, somehow." I love that this crazy creation is Phyllis's venture into "softer" territory. The power of pastels, eh?

The Agony And The Egg-stasy: Revisiting "U4EA," The First Full-Length "Drugs Are Bad" Episode Of Beverly Hills 90210

My friend and I sometimes joke about how the writers of Beverly Hills 90210 must have sat in meetings and spun a wheel to see what they would write about each week. The wheel had three storylines to choose from. The first option was for one of the gang to help someone. This person was usually never seen again, such as Brandon and Brenda's cousin Bobby, Brandon's "little brother" Felix, Kelly's friend Amanda, the guy that David helped come out to his parents, I could go on. The second option was a love triangle: Brenda, Kelly, Dylan; Brandon, Kelly, Dylan; David, Gina, Dylan; David, Sophie, Steve; etc, etc. The third option was to introduce one of the characters to drugs and, inevitably, give them a drug problem: David, Kelly, Donna, and Dylan.

This all happened over the space of 10 years, but here, my friends, is a recap of the very first "drugs are bad" episode of Beverly Hills 90210, unless you count the time when Cindy walked in on Jackie snorting coke in the bathroom at the mother-daughter fashion show in season 1. That's right, folks, it's season 2's "U4EA" – that's Bevery Hills 90210's fictional street name for ecstasy.

So how does the gang wind up at a rave and how does one of their own get their brain fried (we'll explain that expression later) on drugs? Da-na-na-na, da-na-na-na!

Next To The Walkman And Tab, Girls Just Want To Have Fun Is One Of The Coolest Things Of The ‘80s

It's Sarah Jessica Parker's birthday on March 25th, so I can't think of a better time to pay homage to one of her most awesome films. It's Girls Just Want To Have Fun, the greatest dance movie of the '80s after Dirty Dancing. And Footloose. And Flashdance. And Fame. Well, it's still pretty damn good and here's why...

The Girls Went On To Become Famous

The movie opens with Sarah Jessica Parker as Army brat Janey delivering a monologue to her new class about her daydream that someday she'd make it to Chicago, "because that's where they make Dance TV." She absentmindedly slips one foot out of her shoe and points it, showing the audience the trained dancer desperate to leap out of her private school shackles. Oh Janey, you will get to be on Dance TV!

Her hopeful speech appeals to the sense of adventure in Lynn Stone, aka Helen Hunt, and she quickly befriends Janey. Yes, before her Oscar win, Helen Hunt got to deliver one of the best introductory lines for a character. Ever. Ripping off her school uniform sleeves after she sits next to Janey on the bus, she says, "Velcro. Next to the Walkman and Tab, it is the coolest invention of the 20th century." Lynn also got to wear the best outfits; I can't be the only one who wanted her grasshopper hat, and she did a pretty rad dance move at her Dance TV audition, whipping her hair round and round before combing her fingers through it. Sometimes my best friend and I bust out this move when we're drunk on a dance floor. I'll protect her by not revealing her name.

A pre-Heathers and Beverly Hills 90210 Shannen Doherty played the little sister of Janey's what's-his-name love interest, who memorably squeals with delight when she's mistaken for a punk, exclaiming, "It's not as cool as nu-wave, but it's a lot better than pre-teen!" Cue Shannen Doherty's future of delivering some amazing lines. Digressing, here are some of Brenda Walsh’s finest (because they need to be remembered):

To Emily Valentine [sarcastically]: "Have a good time at the gynecologist."

About Emily Valentine after she leaves a cake on the Walsh family doorstep to apologize for slipping Brandon a drug called U4EA, aka Ecstasy: "Brandon, don't! This cake could be dosed with U4EA. Or worse!"

In response to Kelly defending herself against the bimbo label after Brenda catches her on a date with Dylan: "I was always taught that if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck..."

And to Kelly and Dylan after they reveal they are now a couple: "I hate you both! Never talk to me again!"

Now, where were we? Ah yes, Girls Just Want To Have Fun and...

The Grease 2 Cult

There's a night I'll always remember: I was with a couple of friends at St Pancras Station in London and we were dancing down the street singing "Cool Rider," as you do. It was late and we'd had a bottle of wine, okay? A group of people walked past and one of them gave us a knowing wink. There was an unspoken connection. She, too, was part of the Grease 2 cult.

I am reminded of the existence of a Grease 2 cult every now and then when the movie is mentioned at, say, a house party and about 1-3 people start enthusiastically singing one of the songs.

Grease 2 is a marmite film--you either love it or you hate it--and its cult following is exclusive. You can't join it later in life. It's not that we don't want new members--in fact, we'd love to have them on board--it's just that I'm pretty certain they wouldn't like the film. The people who love it (and know all the songs) seem to have first watched it through the uncritical eyes of a kid. Here's a word of advice to these people: it is no use trying to convert someone to the Grease 2 cult. You would have to turn back the proverbial hands of time to pull that off. See what I did there?

There are a lot of us Grease 2 cult members out there, mind you. Just ask the creator of Grease 2's Facebook fan page as it's got over 17,000 likes! That's no mean feat, considering I've only got 66 for my Beverly Hills 90210 fashion page Now Wear This. (Yes, that was a shameless plug).

Giving Teen Witch The Recognition It Deserves

As we celebrate another New Year--that heady mix of nostalgia and the new, where we look back on what we've done with our lives at the same time as we plot our fresh start and a different hairstyle--it seems like the perfect excuse to revisit one of the best and most underrated makeover movies of the '80s. I'm talking about 1989's Teen Witch.

I'm sure this film was the inspiration for Sabrina, The Teenage Witch, but it really doesn't get the credit it deserves for a being a quintessential '80s teen movie. It really should be more well-known than it is. It didn't just have a spectacular makeover scene, it had a spectacular makeover musical number. Yes, that's right: this movie was at the top of its game when it came to the whole '80s trend of a film scoring its own songs and integrating them into the plot. "I Wanna Be The Most Popular Girl" is the song in question when teen witch Robyn Lively (Blake Lively’s step-sister, FYI) struts and fluffs her hair during a montage in which she is instantly accepted into the cool girl clique and tailed by a carload of boys rapping about how popular she is. Serena Van Der Woodsen, eat your heart out.

"I Wanna Be The Most Popular Girl" is up there with two other exclusive Teen Witch gems: cheerleader locker room chant "We Like Boys" and "Top That," a "Hangin' Tough"/"Informer" hybrid that's currently enjoying a minor wave of popularity due to its random blink and you'll miss it inclusion in a YouTube remix video, Sweet Brown's "Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That," even if it is just people asking "What the fuck?" when they see it. If you don’t know what I'm talking about, here’s the video and the Teen Witch scene in question:

Bizarre Television Moments: This Is Helen Hunt On PCP

I miss the eighties. Especially neon shirts, Trapper Keepers, charm necklaces, and the incessant "don't do drugs" messages shoved down our throats. Add in some teenage morality tales with b-list actors, and you've got the classic after-school specials. This clip features a young Helen Hunt as a teen who takes PCP and then FREAKS out and flings herself out the window. This is a tremendous performance; was there ever any question there'd be an Oscar in her future?

Bizarre Television Moments: Tom Hanks And Vanilla Extract

One could say that all of Family Ties is bizarre. A liberal father who runs a public television station with an uber-Republican son? Oh, the hijinks. That, and baby Andy has super abilities to grow four years in the space of one.

Despite the laughs, FT had its share of "very special episodes" and when they wanted to tackle alcoholism, they brought in a very young, very skinny, very tight-jeaned Tom Hanks to play the beloved Uncle Ned. This scene goes from funny to scary to uncomfortable to funny about eight times. Not to mention that Uncle Ned is so desperate for alcohol he downs a whole bottle of vanilla extract. Don't try this at home, kids!

Bizarre Television Moments: Shangri-La Plaza

When you think of failed musical TV series of the nineties, most people are quick to ridicule Cop Rock. (Hey, I personally thought it was a good idea.) Most people don't know about the the short-lived, ill-conceived Shangri-La Plaza. It took place in a fantastical strip mall, where the employees sing their feelings. After just watching the opening credits, I'm certain that this was conceived while under the influence of some strong psychotropic drugs. Or perhaps it was some drama geek trying to live out some regional theater fantasy.

Savion Glover, we forgive you because you were young. Melora Hardin, you should know better. At least a decade later she would land the role of Jan on The Office. I'm pretty sure this isn't on her acting reel.

Bizarre Television Moments: Stephanie Calls Kimmy a WHAT?

There's never been any love lost between Kimmy and Stephanie in Full House, but Stephanie really doesn't hold back in this cleverly-punned insult.

Wait, what? Did Stephanie just call Kimmy a WHORE? Now, upon further review, it seems that Stephanie was probably meaning to say HORROR-scope, as in Kimmy's face is a HORROR, but we can't unhear it. No doubt the director also noticed the similarity, but probably kept it in for the adults to find amusement.

Considering Bob Saget's comedy was pretty R-rated to begin with, I am sure that wasn't the most scandalous thing said on the set. I love watching this blooper real, where the adults are raunchier than a high school locker room. Language is NSFW, obviously.

21 Jump Street Recap: The Gang Goes Punk

Look, I understand that when this episode, "Mean Streets And Pastel Houses," was written, there was no Wikipedia, so they couldn't fully research what "the punk movement" was all about. But I assume there were books on the topic. Or maybe SOMEONE they could have consulted? All I am saying is wow, they got it wrong. Real punks would be really insulted, and punks are rarely insulted.

Wow, really?

The Greek Chorus of pre-credit interludes shows us two rival hooligans taunting each other in the cars. Somehow someone hangs out a window and falls out of the moving car and is badly injured. One of the cars is all "oh shit" and speeds away.

There is a rash of vandalism in the city, from two groups called "Klean Kut Kids" and "Your Friendly Neighbors," who are rival misfit gangs. Instead of say, doing patrols in an unmarked car to catch the culprits (thus saving the city millions of dollars in salary), they send our Jump Street Squad undercover into the seedy underbelly (if a seedy underbelly was an abandoned grocery store warehouse). Because, well, you just do. Penhall assumes it's going to be him, because he's badass.