It's A Hollywood Feeding Frenzy

Not many people would've looked at Piranha 3D as the movie to usher in a revolution. But it looks like it's doing just that. The Hollywood Reporter announced yesterday that a movie is being put together by the director of Snakes on a Plane, cleverly called Shark Night 3D.

One guess as to what the movie is about.

So if you're keeping score at home we have killer piranhas, mega sharks and giant octopuses, mega pythons, and of course, the dreaded sharktopus.

I may never swim again.

Piranha 3D: A Rewrite

My wife says it's not ok that I love watching teen horror movies in which college kids get slaughtered, vivisected, decapitated and eaten by monsters. And she says it's really not ok that when I watch these movies, I imagine the carefree, hedonistic youngsters getting slashed/chomped/bludgeoned are my own students. She says twisted, I say cathartic. Tomay-to, Tomah-to.

I'd like the record to show that I would never actually wish harm on any of my students. Just because they care more about the next Frat Row kegger than about my writing assignments during the school year, just because they lose count of the grandparents they claim die right before a deadline, just because they sometimes come to my morning classes a tiny bit hung over, doesn't mean they deserve to have their limbs sawed off by a crazed killer in a burlap mask and a buzz saw for an arm. Of course not. In fact, I can assure you that every Spring Break, I tell my students to have fun, enjoy themselves, but DO NOT GO INTO THE WOODS ALONE. Or swimming at night. Or to a lurky looking motel to have pre-murder sex.

Make smart choices, I tell them.

So. Just to reiterate: I do not support teen massacres. I stand squarely against it.

That said... how excited am I for Piranha 3D, which just hit theaters last weekend? Every time the trailer comes on TV, I stop what I'm doing and watch. I've seen the online version of it like twenty times.

I can't help it. Apparently I have an inner curmudgeon that's secretly fed up with These Kids Today, With Their Loud Rock Music and Their Baggy Pants.

Personally, I think the Piranha trailer alone hints at some valuable lessons for Kids Today. I just don't think it's articulating it clearly enough.

Here's my rewrite:

EXT. ON THE LAKE – DAY.  KIDS EVERYWHERE FLOATING ON INNERTUBES.

BRITTANYOhmigaw, Tiffany! This is such an awesome Spring Break trip at the lake with all the sun and water and guys and sex and beer!

TIFFANYOhmigaw, I know, right? Can you believe that our English teacher gave us an assignment before we left?

BRITTANYHe's so lame and stupid!

TIFFANYSo totally lame! Plus he's bald!  It's so funny!  I don't care about school! We should enter a Wet T-shirt contest!

DUDE ON NEARBY BOATHey, hot girls! Want to do some body shots?

BRITTANYSorry, we should probably swim back to shore so we can do some English homework!

DUDESeriously?

TIFFANY AND BRITTANYNO WAY!!!  Ha ha ha ha ha! Our teacher is sooooo lame!

DUDEHe SOUNDS lame!  Hahahaha!

TIFFANYHomework is such a totally total waste of time! I like beer!

BRITTANYTotally!  Hey, something just brushed past my leg in the water!

TIFFANYMaybe it's our lame English teacher with another assignment! He’s old! Ha ha ha ha!

BRITTANYYea! Ha ha! Ow! Something just bit me!

TIFFANYOw! Hey! Me too!  It hurts! Oh God!

BRITTANYI know, right? It's like, owwwwww! I'm being pulled right down through my inner tube! Didn't our English teacher say something in class about how good writing skills could save our lives someday?

TIFFANYHe totally did! But we didn't listen! Ow!

DUDE
(clumsily falling into the water and splashing in a frenzy)Ahhh God! If only I wasn't such a self-absorbed douchenozzle, always thinking about myself with no regard for anyone else! With no thoughts about planning for the future!

BRITTANYI know, right?

(CUT TO: Blood spreading in the water. Mass screaming panic.)

End scene.

And that's one to grow on.

Piranha 3D

I know we normally bash remakes in our Reboot, Remake, Regurgitate column, but from the looks of its trailer, Piranha 3D could be the greatest flick E-V-E-R.

What's it got going for it? Witness:

• Piranhas (hence the title)
• An overacting Christopher Lloyd
• Half-naked young men and women frolicking in the water
• Elizabeth Shue, which can only lead to a Back To The Future II/III reference/pun/parody between her and Lloyd
• Richard Dreyfuss, who is no doubt on board for a Jaws reference/pun/parody
• Piranhas, people!
• Ving. No last name necessary

Seriously? What more do you need? But don't take my word for it. Have a look at the trailer: