The Best Hair Metal Songs That Should Have Been In Rock Of Ages

Seeing Rock of Ages this weekend really brought up my pre-teen obsessions with hair metal. Except back then, it was just considered "metal." It wasn't until we had some distance that we can look back with some critique and perspective that suddenly we think how "uncool' it really was. Not me; although that probably has to do with the fact that anything we experienced during our pubescent years (12-15) was so important and had an impact on us. I'll also be frank here: my sexual awakening was made possible by guys like Bret Michaels and Sebastian Bach.

In the late eighties, I had just come off of a New Kids On The Block frenzy, and when they fizzled, I was looking for the next big crush. I had a friend with an older sister who was into metal, and therefore she was the expert who led me down the path to obsession. One time at her house, we watched endless hours of Headbanger's Ball, and the combination of over-sexualized, hyper-masculinity mixed with traditionally feminine dress like makeup, long hair, and bright colored-clothing whipped my young teen psyche into a frenzy.

But, honestly, it wasn't just about the guys--it was even more so about the music. Here was something loud, upbeat with lyrics that didn't kid around. Even to this day, I have no patience for low-temp, low key music (sorry Iron And Wine, Elliott Smith, and Bon Iver). And these lyrics really meant business; everything was about what said singer was going to do to a woman's body, where he was going to stick it, and on many occasions, a sweet pining for love. Guys who would take charge AND are sensitive! Swoon!

As a young impressionable teen, I fell right into the marketing ploy that this kind of rock 'n' roll was fun. Anyone who tried to get in the way was a total square. The teased hair and tight miniskirt groupie girls were the luckiest girls in the world: they got to have fun and hang out with the hottest guys in the universe! My friend and I would actually spend the most time scrutinizing the girls who got to be in the videos and tear them apart over our obsessive jealousy. It was only until later that I realized what these women's experiences probably were, and the bands' struggles. (Seriously, read The Dirt. It's fascinating and tragic.)

Although I don't quite agree with Archphoenix's enthusiasm for the movie, I couldn't help but get excited to hear some of my favorite songs get some attention ("I Wanna Know What Love Is" being one of my favorites.) There seemed to be six gazillion songs featured in the film, and about gazillion also would have been welcome. Here are some of my favorite hair metal songs that didn't make the cut:

Nothin' But A Good Time

For this week's Your Say Hump Day, we've got a really easy question for you:

ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?

Good.

Awesome.

Because this summer, Motley Crue, Poison, and New York Dolls (Yes! The New York Dolls) will be hitting the road together for the summer tour to end all summer tours.

Excited? Me too. Here are the dates.

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Poison, "Talk Dirty To Me"

What better way to kick off Hair Band/Glam/Hard Rock Week at Culture Brats than with a damn near perfect hair band/glam/hard rock song!

From 1986, here's Poison's "Talk Dirty To Me."

Enjoy!

Something To Believe In

Unless you've spent the last few days hiding under a rock, you've heard about the massive brain hemorrhage that former Poison frontman Bret Michaels suffered late last week. A lifelong diabetic, Bret had barely gotten over an emergency appendectomy earlier this month before he was rushed back to the hospital with a brutal headache.

I kept my eye on the news all weekend - I admit, I was sort of expecting a tragic update. I mean, I'm all for positive thinking, but the initial reports sounded pretty grim, what with words like massive, brain stem and subarachnoid being thrown around.